The Strange, Sick, Sad Career of Jonny Lee Miller

(Archived from my now-defunct Geocities site)

I blame my weird fascination with Jonny Lee Miller entirely on Orlando Bloom. Specifically, I blame it on the fact that the lovely Orlando, of the fierce cheekbones and stunning blond wig in "Lord of the Rings," has, as of this writing, an exact total of one movie available on video and nothing due in theaters until "The Two Towers" hits in December. Earlier this year, I started a new job I was pretty sure I really, really despised. Few things are more reliable for taking the mind off of daily drudgery than films starring cute boys with great bone structure. Because of the dearth of fresh Orlando material, I figured one attractive, talented English lad was as good as another, and decided to investigate the films of Jonny Lee Miller.

For the uninitiated, Jonny is the bleached-blond Brit who was terrific in "Trainspotting" and -- well, he was actually pretty bad in "Hackers," but he looked great, which, for any movie about rebellious computer-hacking teens on rollerblades, is at least half the battle. I quickly discovered that looking to Jonny as a surrogate Orlando is like trying to satiate a craving for an eclair with a heaping portion of tapioca. It doesn't work, and it just left me with a funny taste in my mouth.

Don't get me wrong: Jonny can be, when he feels like it, a tremendously powerful actor, capable of turning in some startling, impressive work. He's also fun to look at, with a face consisting entirely of hard angles and deep shadows, improbably arched brows, and the slimmest, sharpest, straightest, sleekest, most fabulous nose around. His most striking characteristic is some intangible quality wholly unique to Jonny, some weirdly compelling combination of aristocratic and, well, skanky. Okay, I'll get to the point: He's sleazy. Or, to be fair, he gives off a powerful onscreen aura of sleaze. Look, he's got a big ol' rat tattooed on his arm, plus a few snakes drawn on various parts of his anatomy. Ex-wife Angelina Jolie, never known for her excess of decorum and modesty, has fondly described him as being "a little wild." Try to wrap your mind around that concept, and draw your own conclusions.

In some ways, you've got to respect the manner in which Jonny has conducted his career. After "Hackers," his first and close-to-last American film, Jonny headed back to the UK and worked on a small number of small, quirky projects. This is fine and respectable, but if you're only going to make one movie a year, shouldn't it be a better one than, say, "Afterglow"? A disproportionately large number of his films have gone quietly to video, sometimes under a new title, after an ephemeral theatrical run. Often, the films haven't deserved such shabby treatment ("Complicity," for example, is actually pretty good), but just as often it's a little surprising they ever got released at all ("Love, Honour & Obey"? Has anyone seen that one? Wow. It's so awful, it's mesmerizing).

A quick stroll through Jonny's weird world of film:

Hackers (1995):
"Hackers" really isn't Jonny's fault. When you make your American film debut playing a character named Dade Murphy a.k.a. Crash Override a.k.a. Zero Cool, you're kind of doomed from the start. And in truth, there are so many other things dreadfully wrong with this movie that it seems petty and mean-spirited to single out Jonny for criticism. For instance, a whole doctoral thesis could be written on how awful Fisher Stevens and Lorraine Bracco are in it; Jonny isn't anywhere near their league of outstanding suckiness. That said, however, I should make it clear he's really no damn good. Miscast as a smug renegade teen computer whiz, Jonny nails the American accent but doesn't make much of an effort with any other aspect of his performance. As I mentioned earlier, he does look great, clad in some weird-ass quasi-cyberpunkish outfits (apparently, sulky teen computer-hacking geniuses wear a lot of modified scuba gear. Who knew?), with his hair bleached to a shade not commonly found in nature. Jonny also sets off some nice sparks with future (ex-) wife Angelina Jolie. Still, there's little indication here of the great untapped potential burbling beneath the surface.

Trainspotting (1996):
Rallying nicely after "Hackers," Jonny does one hell of a great job in "Trainspotting" with his turn as Sick Boy, the loveliest junkie in Edinburgh. With a nasty skag habit and an equally scary addiction to peroxide, Sick Boy managed to be simultaneously vile and reprehensible, yet somehow charming and funny. In an exceptional movie with an exceptional cast, Jonny gives a standout, iconic performance. Does a nifty Scottish accent, too.

Dead Man's Walk (1996):
Jonny quickly killed the momentum his career had gained after "Trainspotting" by taking on a string of projects ill-suited for his particular abilities, starting with this one. I have to be honest here: Life is too short to fritter it away watching a five-hour Larry McMurtry miniseries, especially one that co-stars David Arquette. However, in the interest of completion, I watched "Dead Man's Walk" long enough to fairly judge whether the producers were onto something brilliant when they cast pale, angsty, angular, fine-boned Brit Jonny as a rugged Texas Ranger. Nope.

Afterglow (1997):
Notable mostly for being the only flick on Jonny's filmography in which the most disturbing scene -- burly Nick Nolte plugging away at scrawny Lara Flynn Boyle in a hot tub -- does not feature Jonny in any way. Jonny plays Lara's cold yuppie bastard of a husband, who, out of impotence or churlishness or simply because screechy Lara is really, really, annoying, refuses to sleep with her, thus sending her flying into the arms of randy handyman Nick. No fool, Jonny retaliates by trying to boff Nick's glamorous lush of a wife, beautiful older woman Julie Christie. It's a tedious, irritating, pretentious-as-all-hell film, and while Jonny does a competent job, this is a role any number of actors could have taken; it's a shame to squander his edgy intensity on such a one-dimensional part. (Cold yuppie bastard with a ferocious drug habit, now that's Jonny territory. Cold yuppie bastard with a penchant for cross-dressing, certainly). On the positive side, he does a fine Canadian accent.

Regeneration a.k.a. Behind the Lines (1997):
Gillies Mackinnon's screen adaptation of Pat Barker's book takes place in a Scottish mental hospital for shell-shocked front-line soldiers during World War I. Jonny plays a young officer rendered psychosomatically mute and amnesiacal from the atrocities of war. He nimbly pulls off the Herculean task of conveying bristling resentment and peevishness without saying a word; as you may have guessed, this involves a lot of nostril-flaring. The film is a little on the leisurely side, but it's thoroughly respectable, and Jonny turns in another striking performance. Which no one saw.

Plunkett & Macleane (1998):
I was a film major. I can readily list off all the reasons why "Plunkett & Macleane" was a critical and commercial failure. If you're one of those people who insists upon niceties like cohesive plot and consistent character development, you might be better off leaving this one alone. It's gleefully tacky, unapologetically vulgar, utterly brainless, and oddly delightful. I thought it was dandy, though it should be borne in mind that I think "Street Fighter" is a really good movie, too. Jonny and his "Trainspotting" cohort Robert Carlyle play a couple of eighteenth-century highwaymen who cheerfully loot and plunder their way across London. Jonny is uncharacteristically vibrant and funny as the horny, dissolute, and not terribly bright Captain Macleane; his scenes with Liv Tyler are genuinely sweet and sexy. With Alan Cumming as a flamboyantly gay nobleman. Imagine.

Mansfield Park (1999):
As all young Brit actors eventually must, Jonny stuffed himself into frilly shirts and breeches for his requisite appearance in a classy film based on a Jane Austen book. Jonny turns in a fine, respectable, witty, light-hearted performance in the fine, respectable, witty, light-hearted "Mansfield Park." Good work, Jonny. Nicely done. Don't ever do it again.

Complicity a.k.a. Retribution (2000):
The reasoning was sound behind this one: If you're looking for someone to play a cocaine-addled, chain-smoking, ale-soaked, morally-ambiguous Scot with upper respiratory ailments and a penchant for kinky sex, and presuming that Ewan McGregor is already booked for the month, the top name on your list should be Jonny Lee Miller. Jonny dusted off his "Trainspotting" accent and headed back to the highlands for the adaptation of Iain Banks' "Complicity," which never quite made it into theaters but finally saw the light of day on video under the title "Retribution." There's nothing outstanding about the finished product -- it's a little dank and musty, a little obvious and suspense-free (crack journalist Jonny tries to figure out which of his nearest and dearest childhood friends is setting him up to take the fall for a series of grisly murders; hint, Jonny, it's the crazy one) -- yet it stuck with me for an uncomfortably long time, kind of like that weird black mold on my bathroom ceiling. Even in the slow parts, Jonny is fascinatingly screwed up yet endearing; it's fun to watch him fall apart at the seams, until he ends up sobbing hysterically while hacking up a lung on the interrogation room floor. Not into serial killer flicks? Look at it this way: Any movie featuring a scene in which Jonny limps into work with torn ligaments and scalded genitals after a particularly energetic night of bondage with his married girlfriend is going to be worth the price of a rental.

Love, Honour & Obey (2000):
At this rate, it's probably too much to hope we'll ever see Jonny playing a psychotic, loose-cannon gangster in a good movie. That said, it'd be nice to see him as a psychotic, loose cannon gangster in a better movie than "Love, Honour & Obey." This film features a hip ensemble cast of some of England's best and brightest (Jonny, Jude Law, Sadie Frost, Sean Pertwee, Rhys Ifans), all of whom I quickly grew to despise. The dialogue is largely improvised, a factor which, when combined with the poor sound quality and overall amateurish look, makes it feel like an interminably long, highly self-amused student film. It's needlessly violent, crude and tasteless -- but not in a good way. Despite all the tacky plot lines and belabored sex gags flying around haphazardly, Jonny comes through this mess relatively unscathed, although he does have to mar his dignity by spending much of the movie in a clown suit. No, he's not a happy clown. What really sets "Love, Honor & Obey" apart from the average cruddy British gangster film are the insanely catchy karaoke songs performed by the cast, highlighted by Jonny's spirited, swanky rendition of "Avenues & Alleyways." Jonny has a lovely singing voice, which is kind of a relief; if his acting career continues in this direction, it's nice to know he has other options.

Dracula 2000 (er... 2000):
Critics across the board wondered what possessed Jonny to agree to do this one. Honestly, after "Love, Honour and Obey," "Dracula 2000" must have looked like a solid career choice ("I don't have to wear a clown suit, do I? Great. Where do I sign?"). The latest rehashing of the Drac myth finds Jonny playing sidekick to Christopher Plummer's Van Helsing. While the movie is no damn good, it's not nearly as horrible as it could be; at worst, it's kind of blandly watchable. The fight sequences aren't anything special, but Jonny's got a nice way with physical action, which hasn't been shown off much previously. Alas, Jonny's weird kink factor is mostly hidden (he decapitates a vampire or two, then gets bound and fondled by a bevy of cute undead chicks. Yawn). Come on! It's a vampire movie! It's okay to be sleazy in a vampire movie; in fact, it's almost a requirement.


So is there any light at the end of Jonny's long, strange tunnel? Hard to say. Last year, he finished filming "The Escapist," in which he infiltrates a maximum-security prison -- a setting rife with all kinds of tawdry possibilities. However, since it was helmed by Jonny's "Regeneration" director Gillies Mackinnon, it's probably going to be tasteful and thought-provoking. Damn. He's currently off in the Netherlands filming "Mindhunters" for director Renny Harlin, co-starring Val Kilmer and Christian Slater. Yikes. I think we're going to have to look to supporting player LL Cool J to bring any level of grace and sanity to this one.

At a guess, I'd say "Dracula 2000" is secure in its position as Jonny's all-time top-grossing movie for a while.

The Dilettante's Guide to The Hardy Boys

(Archived from my now-defunct Geocities site. Originally written in 2000.)

I discovered "The Hardy Boys / Nancy Drew Mysteries" in 1999 after the good folks at the cable network TV Land briefly added this gem to their lineup, thus unwittingly filling a void I hadn't realized existed, a gaping chasm in my soul that could only be bridged by a couple of earnest teen boys with feathered shag hairdos and white flared pants. Based upon the time-honored children's adventure books penned under the pseudonym Franklin W. Dixon, the 1977-1979 ABC series featured Parker Stevenson and Shaun Cassidy as plucky teen investigators Frank and Joe Hardy. Hardy Boy episodes alternated weekly with Nancy Drew episodes, with Pamela Sue Martin as the feisty detective heroine. The show was produced by Glen A. Larson, the unparalleled purveyor of flared-pants-and-feathered-hair entertainment (see "Knight Rider" and "Battlestar Gallactica" for further evidence). Less notably, Larson also composed the spectacularly unhummable theme music.

Let me be clear about something: in many respects, the show is less than stellar. In fact, one could make a compelling argument that it kind of sucks. The dialogue is sometimes cringe-worthy, the plots fluctuate between inanity and incomprehensibility, and the production values suffer badly in comparison with current standards. While I would argue that the amateurish (read: half-assed) aspects of the show actually contribute to the overall viewing pleasure, the bulk of my praise rests squarely on the fluffy heads of the pulchritudinous young stars, Shaun and Parker. Endearing, charming, sharp as tacks, and -- lest we forget -- cuter than baby rabbits, these two turned the show into a deliriously enjoyable viewing experience.

The show itself is pretty chaste (it really wouldn't do to have the Hardy Boys whoring around), but the producers thoughtfully added a jolt of sleaze by dressing the boys in tight bellbottoms and skimpy athletic shorts. Shaun and Parker also seemed to get soaking wet a lot, bless their hearts. There's something undeniably late-'70s about these two in that wholesome yet sort of trampy way, like they'd smell pleasantly of Prell and Tang and cherry lip gloss.

Parker Stevenson
I'm listing Parker first out of a sense of righting past indignities. The seasoned star of a number of respectable early-'70s dramas, the twenty-something Parker suddenly found himself in a second-place position to teen neophyte Shaun, who got better billing, the flashier role, and, one suspects, the larger paycheck -- not to mention a disproportionate number of "Tiger Beat" covers. Ninety percent of the time, Parker's Frank Hardy seems like an earnest yet easygoing fellow, like you could bounce Frisbees off his forehead and he'd smile placidly in response. But then there's that narrow margin where Parker's in another zone entirely, and the darker side of Frank Hardy emerges. Check out the moment in "The Mystery of King Tut's Tomb" when he cheerfully offers to break the female lead's teeth, or in "The Last Kiss of Summer" (pt 2) when he subdues an out-of-control Joe with a well-placed punch in the face.

Post-"Hardy Boys," Parker has etched out a nice career for himself playing a variety of lifeguards and detectives on TV shows and cable movies. In his favor, he manages to throw himself wholly into even the most ludicrous of roles, something which his former costar can't quite bring himself to do. Compare Shaun wincing his way through a bleak "Matlock" two-parter with Parker's buoyant performance in the "aliens-keep-abducting-me-and-stealing-my-sperm" hooey "Official Denial" -- a movie which required Parker to shave off his lovely fluffy hair for no particular reason. Parker's assured, cheery performance in the puerile med school sex romp "Stitches" almost raises it above the bottom-barrel level of exposed breasts and gay jokes. Almost. (Even Parker's upbeat attitude has its limits. He looks flatly miserable in the made-for-cable film "Legion," which is less fun than any low-budget "Aliens" ripoff featuring a fight to the death between Parker and Rick Springfield has any right to be.)

Shaun Cassidy
Sure, half-brother David was a huge teen idol. And yes, the celebrity lifestyles of parents Jack Cassidy and Shirley Jones primed him for the spotlight. Honestly, though, this kid could have been raised by Komodo dragons on a remote island in the Java Sea, and Hollywood would have found him. The gold standard of teen idols, Shaun was a slim-hipped fireball of charisma and charm. I'm not the first to point this out, but jeez, he was lovely, like the final product of insidious cloning experiments using genetic material from baby squirrels and woodland elves.

Interestingly, while he was adorable, Shaun has never been cuddly. There's a frosty remoteness to him that surfaces mostly during cheesy, drawn-out emotional moments (oh, yeah, "The Hardy Boys" has more than a few of those). As originally conceived, Frank Hardy was supposed to be the brainy, rational one, while younger brother Joe was the more reckless, emotional sibling. It never really worked out that way; Shaun's too wry and calculating to be believably impetuous.

Somehow, Shaun also managed to find the time to be a hugely successful pop star, touring the country on the weekends while wearing a variety of skanky satin outfits and selling millions of records. He got a Grammy nomination, too (and lost to Debby Boone. 1977 was a weird year in music). Following the show's cancellation, Shaun starred in the short-lived series, "Breaking Away," then retired from the public eye for much of the '80s to raise his young family. He re-emerged briefly in the latter half of the decade with a short stint on "General Hospital," a handful of TV guest appearances, and some crappy made-for-TV movies (rent "Texas Guns," with Willie Nelson. Better yet, don't) before fleeing television acting for good.

The weird thing is, he's smarter than anyone who has ever appeared in public wearing pink satin pants has any business being. Currently, he's got a lucrative multi-year contract as a writer/producer with Studios USA. The 1995 series "American Gothic," which he created, wrote, and produced, stands as one of the most innovative and well-crafted shows of all time. I'm usually a harsh critic of actors who receive extensive script development deals; Shaun, however, earns his paycheck. Shaun has said that in later episodes of "The Hardy Boys," with Glen Larson's encouragement, he began rewriting his dialogue. It shows. Consistently, Joe gets all the good lines.

Enough small talk. On with the episodes. Yes, I know this is not complete. My apologies for omissions. If TV Land ever gets around to showing them again (broad hint), I will fill in the gaps.

Season 1

The Mystery of Witches Hollow
The series gets off to a shaky start with this early episode, in which Frank and Joe, plus their trusty sidekick Callie (a pre-"Beverly Hills Cop" Lisa Eilbacher) and their loser buddy Chet (Gary Morton, doing his best in a lame-duck role) take the boys' Scooby-Doo-esque van to search for Callie's missing uncle in the Massachusetts back woods. Along the way, they evade panthers, befriend an illiterate mute kid (cute Marc Vahanian), and uncover a diabolical scheme to, uh, steal supplies from construction sites. The show is obviously still trying to find its legs in this one; it's also before Shaun and Parker get all glammed out, so they're stuck with uncool short haircuts and dorky plaid shirts. The episode is largely suspense-free; no amount of discordant music and spooky lighting is going to convince anyone that Joe's in danger of falling off that gradually-inclined cliff (especially since young Mr. Cassidy decides to deliver panicky dialogue in a coolly conversational tone: "Help. Frank. I can't hold on much longer." Jeez, kid, have the grace to pretend to be terrified, willya?).

The Disappearing Floor
This one opens with a shot of Frank and Joe playing chess, in a soon-discarded attempt to make them seem brainy. Renowned detective Fenton Hardy (Edmund Gilbert) graciously lets his sons assist him with a case; as this involves having the boys prowl through dark woods in the dead of night while Fenton sleeps, I think Dad's getting the better end of the deal. Frank and Joe encounter a UFO (sigh) and other strange happenings, all of which is caused, naturally, by iconoclastic government experiments with hologram technology. Also naturally, a couple of Russian spies are somehow involved. The continuity is overwhelmingly screwy in this one. Just for fun: using the boys' outfits as a guide, try to figure out the order in which the scenes were originally intended to be shown.

The Flickering Torch Mystery
While investigating the disappearance of a sound engineer, the boys uncover a scheme to blow up Special Guest Star Ricky Nelson. The former heartthrob doesn't have much to do other than sing a few numbers, wear a succession of increasingly bizarre outfits (culminating in a horrendous fluffy fur coat), and look mortally embarrassed that his career has come to this.

The Mystery of the Flying Courier
This is the episode that launched Shaun's pop-star career into high gear, as he sings what appears to be his entire debut album at a local club. It also starts the trend of Frank hastily leaving the room whenever Joe bursts into song. My sympathies lie with Frank here; the kid's a doll, but by the time he breaks into "Da Doo Ron Ron" for the SECOND time, I'm ready to give him an ice cream bar if he'll just stop singing for a minute. There are huge chunks of non-Hardy-related plot involving pirated records, runaway flight attendants, and corrupt disc jockeys, but honestly, I tend to skim any scene not featuring one or both Hardys.

Wipe Out
My only explanation for this episode is that the cast and crew got to Hawaii, then realized they left the script back home. Continuity errors, repeated use of the same shots (how many times do we see the boys drive up to their hotel?), some highly-suspect dubbing, plus some weirdly obvious body doubles only add to the charm of this deliriously hooty episode. While in Hawaii for a surfing competition (Frank being one of those relatively rare competitive surfers from Massachusetts), our boys return to their hotel room and find they've been robbed of their money and plane tickets. The resourceful lads ineptly infiltrate the ring of hotel thieves (led by wonderfully nasty surfer bum Shelley Novack), all while romancing a couple of amiable bikini-clad floozies. Despite this flurry of activity, Joe still finds the time to perform a rousing medley of Beach Boys tunes at an impromptu beach concert. Among other highlights, this episode features Joe, clad only in soaking wet white shorts, crawling on hands and knees through the surf, valiantly rescuing Frank from about four inches of water; this should be a cheap thrill, but I found myself wishing Shaun's mom had been on the set to tell him to put some clothes on. Frank's innate mistrust of women asserts itself here when he somehow gets it into his pretty head that their girlfriends are conspiring with the gang of thieves, despite precious little evidence to support this. Best moment: Frank sternly tells the bad guy, "We didn't just fall off the banana boat." The camera lingers on the boys for an uncomfortably long time: Damned if they don't look like they just fell off the banana boat...

The Secret of the Jade Kwan Yin
While snorkeling, the boys discover a jade statuette and subsequently unearth a gem-smuggling ring within Bayport's surprisingly large Chinese community. While not a standout episode, it's got enough action in the form of enraged kung fu masters and exploding boats to keep things lively. The boys spend an inordinate amount of time gathering fingerprints, which led my dad to wonder whether fingerprints collected by spunky teen detective Joe Hardy would really hold up as evidence in court. Frank and Joe do much of their investigating while wearing hooded sweatshirts and tiny jogging shorts, which is a terrific look; unfortunately, later on, Joe's awful green argyle vest almost brings the episode to its knees.

Season 2

The Hardy Boys & Nancy Drew Meet Dracula" (pts 1 & 2)
The first crossover with its sister series. Pamela Sue Martin guest stars as icy detective Nancy Drew in a plot that leads the boys in a merry romp across Europe searching for their missing father. The trail leads to Transylvania, where Joe sings his little heart out at a rock festival, as Parker and Pamela desperately try to manufacture some sparks between them while snooping around Dracula's lair. There's an undeniable Scooby-Doo charm to this two-parter, especially with Lorne Greene camping it up as the creepy inspector who just might be... Dracula! Guest star singer-songwriter Paul Williams performs his terrific song, "The Hell of It," which goes a long way towards making up for Shaun shimmying his way through "Teen Dream" ("Teen dream, teen dream, whoo-oooo-ooo, oh yeah...").

The Mystery of King Tut's Tomb
Frank and Joe go to Egypt, and apparently forget to pack sunblock and a decent conditioner: the indestructible Hardy hair shows distinct signs of strain. Frank, letting his hormones be his guide, tries to come to the aid of a loopy American girl (Taryn Powers), who gets the boys mixed up in a plot about fake Egyptian treasures. Most notable for Joe's venomous diatribe against the state of Texas.

The Mystery of the Hollywood Phantom" (pts 1 & 2)
Whilst in Los Angeles to attend a detectives' convention (?), Frank and Joe again team up with Nancy Drew (Pamela Sue Martin, bringing her usual blast of ice and vinegar to the proceedings) to uncover the identity of the Hollywood Phantom, a masked apparition who has been abducting convention attendees. There's a welcome amount of skin in this one, as Frank indulges in the single most gratuitous shower in television history. Not to be outdone, Nancy falls into a lake while wearing a filmy nylon dress, then later, flings open her door while shirtless, to the complete befuddlement of Frank. Joe manages to keep all his clothes on, but he does get bound and gagged by the Phantom, which leads him to thrash about wildly in an attempt to free himself. Merry Christmas. Frank is forced to spend much of the episode mooning after Nancy, and gets smooched by guest star Jaclyn Smith for his pains. (Why is Nancy so perpetually icy and snappish, anyway? And I have no knowledge of the working relationship between Pamela and Shaun, but frost forms around the edges of my television set whenever these two share the screen). The episode is a delight, with cameo appearances by Robert Wagner and Dennis Weaver, and random oddness such as Casey Kasem playing an actor playing Peter Falk playing Lt. Columbo. Got it?

The Mystery of the African Safari
Fenton and the boys are in Kenya, investigating widespread poaching at a wildlife preserve. This provides Frank and Joe with the opportunity to dress in a variety of kicky safari outfits, though I would have left the white bellbottoms at home, were I planning on tromping through the mucky African bush. Frank and Joe move into the home of chief suspect Stuart Whitman, where Frank promptly begins putting the moves on Whitman's daughter Anne Lockhart. As my dad pointed out, there are good reasons not to let the Hardy Boys move into your home.

The Creatures That Came on Sunday
En route to Vegas (who the hell drives to Nevada from Massachusetts, anyway?), the boys detour to a small mountain town to track down the missing boyfriend of scatterbrained friend Bonnie Ebsen. She's convinced that aliens are somehow involved; on this show, it's a distinct possibility. While on the prowl for the lost boyfriend, the boys get stalked by a couple of creepy hit men posing as Feds. Complicating matters still more is the crusty sheriff, who doesn't exactly cotton to snoopy pretty boys stirring up trouble in his town. Frank and Joe get tossed in jail, and later, get kidnapped by the hit men (no one on this planet makes a better damsel in distress than Shaun Cassidy; he's got that slightly pissy worried chipmunk expression down to a science). Despite the UFO nonsense, this is actually a pretty well-done episode: It moves along at a nice clip, Shaun and Parker are in fine form, and the dialogue is wittier than usual. Tony Dow surfaces briefly in a cameo appearance as an air traffic controller. The boys flunk Teen Investigating 101 when they mistake an army helicopter for a UFO (hey, it's a natural mistake...).

The Strange Fate of Flight 608
A plane carrying a full load of newly-trained stewardesses goes out of control after the pilots are knocked out by some drugged coffee. Luckily, the Hardy Boys are on board to take charge of the situation (actually, Frank manages to crash the jet in the Bermuda Triangle. Details, details). The boys and the flock of stewardesses find shelter on a deserted island, where they're stalked by jewel smugglers looking to recover some missing loot. There are a few loose ends in this episode; Frank helpfully voices over the huge chunks of plot we don't get to see. The fabulous Hardy hair manages to stay feathered and fluffy after a rough night adrift at sea. What's more, their white bellbottoms remain fresh and crisp. These kids have perfected the art of remaining glamorous in a crisis.

Acapulco Spies
Frank and Joe rush off to Acapulco to find their father, who has disappeared (yet again) while in the middle of an investigation. Despite the urgency of the situation, they take the time to pack wide-collared dinner suits and hair dryers; it's this kind of forward thinking that puts them in the Glamorous Detective Hall of Fame, right alongside Charlie's Angels. In Acapulco, the boys are targeted by a couple of gorgeous American freeloaders; through a series of highly contrived misunderstandings, Frank and Joe think the girls have information about their father (watch for Frank's mistrust of women to surface again), while the girls think the boys are demanding sex as repayment for freeloading. Gosh, no.Eventually, after a perilous hang-gliding sequence, the boys manage to foil the bad guy (here, Fenton loses still more ground in the "Father of the Year" competition for blithely delivering his sons into the hands of his enemy) through Joe's butt-dumb system for transferring fingerprints via strategic use of Scotch tape (Joe explains his system in excruciating detail three complete times; yep, we got it, Joe). Frank and Joe stage a daring prison break to free their father; at one point, Joe takes off in a different direction, and every thug in the place decides to follow the fleet-footed cute little guy instead of the slow-moving, gimpy, middle-aged prisoner they're ostensibly guarding. Makes perfect sense to me.

The Silent Scream
Frank and Joe finally make it to Vegas, where Joe promptly falls for a beautiful deaf girl, who happens to be the only witness to a plot to blow up a casino. After she gets nabbed by the bad guys, Joe comes charging to her rescue. The rescue hinges on Joe's slow and painstaking attempts to sign escape plans to her; this is sweet and all, but as it's kind of a matter of life and death, and it's been amply proven that she reads lips quite well, thank you very much, wouldn't it be faster to, you know, MOUTH THE WORDS? Note to all guys out there: Joe's highly contrived makeout technique only works if you look like Shaun Cassidy, and even then, it's a stretch. Special kudos to the producers for taking Shaun to Las Vegas and not letting him sing.

Oh Say Can You Sing
While Joe performs with a rock group in a small town, the boys unravel a treacherous web of drug deals and attempted murder. Sort of. The plot really serves as an unimportant backdrop to a musical showcase for Shaun, who performs a hair-tossing, shoulder-shimmying rendition of "Hey Deannie," as well as some very long duet with repeat guest star Debra Clinger about livin' and lovin' and laughin' and cryin'; Shaun, honey, it's a good thing you're brainy.

The House on Possessed Hill
I have nothing positive to say about this dreary mess, in which Frank and Joe try to protect a psychic young woman from angry townspeople, and end up unraveling a years-old murder. Guest star Melanie Griffith delivers her lines very... slowly... while Parker looks like he'd like to crawl off in a corner somewhere with a blanket and a mug of TheraFlu. So did I, by the time I was done watching this.

Sole Survivor
A glorious, gloppy Velveeta souffle of an episode, this humdinger opens in Hong Kong, where a gravely injured (or perhaps simply napping) Joe Hardy is rushed into an emergency room. When he regains consciousness, he's informed that he's been in a coma for a year following an accident, and that Frank and his father are dead. Joe promptly bursts into tears, though it's unclear whether this is from the tragic news, or because creepy guest star Diana Muldaur keeps sticking cotton balls in his hair (don't ask). Naturally, this coma hogwash turns out to be the diabolical plot of a gang of East German spies, who, apparently under the impression that they're dealing with a worthy adversary instead of Joe Hardy, plucky teen detective, go to a truly insane amount of effort and expense (doctored newspapers and news broadcasts, forged letters from home) to get Joe to spill the beans about plans for an upcoming defection from China; not to be callous, but I think breaking a couple of his fingers would have worked just as well, at a fraction of the cost. Gullible Joe spills his guts faster than you can say "cockamamie plot twist." The East Germans then deviate from standard evil spy procedure by not killing Joe outright, but instead loosely tying him to a gogeous Hong Kong babe and locking him in a department store.

Meanwhile, Frank and Fenton Hardy -- very much alive, albeit kind of glum -- carry out their part in the defection plan. They're promptly captured by the East Germans; however, Joe comes charging to the rescue. Warm fuzzies all around, although I wish they'd shown the scene where Joe has to explain to Frank and Dad that, gee, he just had to blab about the defection, because he could have sworn he'd really been in a coma for a year... (Sidebar: when my intelligent, sensible parents visited me at Christmas, we spent a huge portion of their visit watching these episodes, entirely at their request. Look, I know why I love the show (something to do with raging hormones); I still have no idea what they were getting out of it. Anyway, after viewing this one, my folks made one demand: No more episodes where Joe bursts into tears, ever. Refer to my earlier notes about Shaun being no damn good at displaying melodramatic emotion for elucidation).

Mystery on the Avalanche Express
The boys and Nancy (Pamela having been replaced by the lovely and, er, lovely Janet Louise Johnson) are on a train chock full o' former teen idols (Fabian, Edd "Kookie" Byrnes, Troy Donahue, Vic Damone) heading to Austria from Hungary. Nancy unwittingly becomes the target of a ruthless band of thieves, while Joe gets muddled in yet another defection plot. This is kind of an erratic though good humored episode, providing Parker and Shaun ample opportunity to show off their cute ski bunny ensembles. Question: on an episode bursting at the seams with past and present pop stars, why is the rousing musical number provided by... Nancy's chum George?

Death Surf
Hands-down winner of best episode title. This one finds Frank and Joe in Hawaii once again, where Frank becomes weirdly obsessed with a drowned girl ("Battlestar Gallactica" knockout Maren Jensen). Naturally, she's not really dead, but merely on the run from a former employer. While Frank moons over Maren, Joe nervously fends off the advances of an amorous cocktail waitress with a penchant for the young stuff. Best line: the waitress asks Joe if anyone's ever told him he has beautiful eyes. A world-weary Joe sighs, "Not today."

Arson & Old Lace
Nancy Drew (Janet Louise Johnson again. Come back, Pamela, all is forgiven) has been missing for the past, um, six months. Frank and Joe (who've apparently been too busy surfing and singing to start the investigation any sooner) come to Los Angeles, and manage to track her down over the course of a lazy afternoon. She's being held prisoner by an eccentric tycoon (Joseph Cotten, a long way from "The Magnificent Ambersons") in his downtown high-rise penthouse. The boys' daring rescue plans are complicated by spunky arsonist Cathy Rigby, who cheerfully firebombs the building, while Frank rushes to save Nancy and Joe protects a small child from the flames (sometimes this show is shameless. I'm surprised Joe didn't find a nest of baby raccoons to single-handedly save). A decent episode, except for an unbelievably boring seven-minute discussion between Nancy and Cotten. Seven minutes! In television terms, that's a lifetime! Shaun was going through an unfortunate scruffy phase: unshaven, with non-fluffy hair and waaaay too much undereye concealer. (Digression: why, oh, why do incredibly attractive men feel the need to do this to themselves? Like when Johnny Depp was going through that "just because I'm on '21 Jump Street' doesn't mean I'm not a rebel at heart" phase, complete with all kinds of weird facial hair and lank, greasy locks. Why can't the pretty boys of the planet resign themselves to looking luscious? It's a difficult job, fellas, but you can do it).

Campus Terror
The boys visit a small Eastern college campus (actually, it's my despised alma mater, USC. The prominent palm trees are kind of a giveaway) to investigate the kidnappings of a group of sorority girls, all belonging to the same house as Joe's loony-tunes ex-girlfriend, Valerie Bertinelli (one of those rare actresses who doesn't wither away in comparison to Shaun's phenomenal beauty; they're like a pair of really sexy Hummel figurines). Phone calls made by the kidnapper refer to Frank and Joe by name; despite this, it doesn't occur to them to suspect the one person on campus who knows them, i.e. Valerie. The boys adopt the ingenious cover of MIT grad students (no sense doing things halfway, huh, fellows? I'd be skeptical if they said they were transfer students from Bayport Junior College) to track the kidnapper. At one point, Valerie clings to Joe, telling him, "I still love you, Joe." Long silence. Joe: "You've had a long day..." After this completely inadequate response, it comes as no real surprise when, a few scenes later, Valerie dresses in black leather, kidnaps Joe at gunpoint, and makes him call her "Sir." She's planning on killing him, but since they're conveniently in an abandoned amusement park, she decides to take him on the Ferris wheel first (to stun him with motion sickness?). Joe gets schizoid Valerie to revert to her boring good-girl personality by grabbing her face and yelling at her; I'm pretty sure most psychiatrists would not regard this as the preferred method for dealing with gun-toting schizophrenics. There are plenty of other gems in this episode (talking computers! disfigured frat boys! biker brawls!); however, everything flees from my mind at the sight of Valerie pointing a gun at Shaun and telling him to call her sir. Television simply doesn't get much better than that.

Season 3

The Last Kiss of Summer (pts 1 & 2)
This episode kicked off the final season, and featured the adjustment of the title to simply "The Hardy Boys Mysteries." It was also the debut of what I like to think of as the Charlie's Angels Disco Extravaganza opening (must be seen to be fully appreciated), in which Shaun and Parker run around in stop motion wearing tuxedos while stuff explodes around them. Parker and Shaun, incidentally, appear to have spent the preceding summer at Hardy Boy Spa Camp: they're both tanner, blonder, leaner, and more scrumptious than ever. 

The episode opens in Malibu, where financially-insolvent teen Joe Hardy rashly proposes to his blonde bombshell summer fling. After she accepts, they frolic interminably on the beach while that Bread song about a picture painting a thousand words drones on in the background; it's actually kind of a relief when a drunk driver plows into them on the eve of the wedding, killing the fiancee and providing Joe with a few glamorous scrapes. In the hospital, Joe sniffles, "She was beautiful today, wasn't she?" Frank sadly replies, "You both were."

It turns out that the drunk driver, Jocco (played with zest by Kevin Brophy), was involved in a robbery and murder; as the FBI is trying to get him to lead them to the hidden loot, they won't arrest him for the hit and run. This bit of news is the impetus to turn the once sunny and upbeat Joe into a petulant little monster. After blithely blowing the cover of undercover Fed Kevin Tighe (who cheerfully offers to break both Joe's legs), Joe sets himself up as a shady Malibu rich kid, complete with Porsche and a fabulous beach house with a swell hi-fi system, two decks, and a sand-filled den; clearly, Joe knows how to mourn in style. Joe quickly earns the undivided devotion of Jocco, who, in a fun homoerotic twist, moves in with Joe -- with jealous girlfriend Anne Lockhart in tow -- and tries to feed Frank to the sharks.

Part one, after the dreary opening sequence, zips along at a merry pace, complete with groovy beach parties and the mesmerizing spectacle of Joe as an out-of-control little sociopath (watch for the scene in which he yells at Fenton, "It's my life and I can do what I want!" before flouncing out of the room). While Shaun is kind of a cold fish during the frolicking-happily-on-the-beach scenes, he's oddly compelling as a bratty, manipulative rich kid (hmm...).

Alas, part two lets the lunatic energy flag, except for a standout scene in which long-suffering Frank gives his brat of a brother a richly-deserved punch in the face, and some nice chemistry between the coolly-calculating Joe and the head-over-heels infatuated Jocco. Unfortunately, a mind-blowing number of flashback sequences (more frolicking on the beach) bring the episode screeching to a halt every five minutes or so. Suffice it to say, Jocco gets his comeuppance, and the FBI is so impressed with the stellar work the boys did on the case (?), they give them special jobs working for the Department of Justice (??).

I get a little queasy at the thought of my tax dollars paying Frank and Joe's salary; personally, I was kind of hoping the FBI would toss Joe in the slammer for obstruction of justice, or at the very least give him a sound spanking. Life is full of disappointment.

Dangerous Waters
While on a routine missing persons case in the French Caribbean, Joe manages to get himself kidnapped by a motley group of slave-trading pirates (presumably, the Department of Justice is already regretting its decision to put these two screwups on the payroll). While this is a promising development, the episode quickly loses all credibility when the pirate boss decides to kill dewy young Joe; any slave-trading pirate worth his salt would instantly recognize the high market value of a captive Hardy Boy. Joe is rescued by Frank and perennial cool guy Robert Loggia (sporting a beret and a highly suspect French accent). There's also the usual nonsense about buried treasure; when you've got pirates, buried treasure follows as a matter of course. Joe wears a flattering cornflower blue sweatshirt with super-flared jeans; he makes very fetching pirate bait, though he's actually looking a tad emaciated, like he's been living off a steady diet of Ry-Krisp and steamed kale. A special thumbs-up to the wag who murmurs, "Ooh la la!" when our scrumptious boys enter a scruffy waterfront dive searching for Loggia. High point: Frank shouts, "What is your problem?" at Joe. I think we've all wondered that at some point, Frank.

Life on the Line
One of the rare Parkercentric episodes; too bad it's such a dud. The plot revolves around an attempted kidnapping on the motorcross circuit; alas, this leads to long, dull, eyeball-numbing sequences of motorcross racing. The episode is also shot in a visually exciting palette of mustard yellow and dirt brown. Parker's wholly gratuitous shirtless scene is the only thing keeping this from being a complete bust. Thanks, Parker. I owe you one, buddy.

The Dilettante's Guide to Gundam Wing

(Archived from my now-defunct Geocities site.)

The subdivision of Japanese animation that seems to hold most twelve-year-old boys in thrall is mecha anime, in which gigantic mechanical anthropomorphic weapons, usually controlled from within by human pilots, whale the hell out of each other. A prime example of mecha anime is Japan's esteemed Gundam franchise, consisting of a number of different series and movies centering around powerful mobile suits known as Gundams. As I am neither adolescent nor male, the appeal of mecha anime is, for the most part, entirely lost on me. However, mecha anime on occasion happily crosses over into that most delightful of anime subdivisions, which I fondly refer to as the gaggle-of-boys genre, where a group of highly attractive young men are forced to band together to save the world from imminent destruction. This is the kind of stuff I live for. If the aforementioned gigantic weapons happen to be piloted by beautiful boys, mecha anime gets my undivided attention.

I freely admit it: I started watching "Mobile Suit Gundam Wing," a 49-episode series existing within the Gundam universe, solely for the great-looking boys. And, gosh, they're sure compelling by themselves. Pretty boys aside, however, the series has an elegance and a convoluted thoughtfulness to it that enables it to far transcend the gimmicky limitations of mecha anime. The focus of the series is not so much on the Gundams as on the effects of war, and the dangers of dehumanized warfare. While the series presents a (somewhat unconvincing) theory of accessible total pacifism, it also finds a kind of elegance in well-fought, purposeful battles. (A word of warning: At times, Gundam Wing presents a view of warfare that can be, shall we say, somewhat inaccessible to the Western mind, as if writer Katsuyuki Sumizawa had just read Sun Tzu's "Art of War" and maybe a few Mishima novels immediately prior to scripting the episodes. For instance, if anyone can accurately summarize the intentions of the episode "And It's Name is Epyon" in twenty words or less, please let me know. I'm a bright girl, but that one has me flummoxed.)

The young protagonists of Gundam Wing are five teenaged boys who pilot the gigantic mobile suits. While scant biographical information is provided within the body of the series, the boys largely seem to come from the fringe elements of society. They're given an impossible task which they are not expected to survive. Even though the young pilots are highly trained and skilled, fifteen-year-old boys are never the sanest choice to be given powerful weapons to carry out what is fundamentally a suicide mission; their lives, while not destroyed, become tainted by the constant battles. The driving thrust of the series becomes the boys' struggle to find and retain a purpose for being amidst the burgeoning chaos surrounding them.

THE BOYS:
(Fun fact about the character names: The names of the boys and of some of the subsidiary characters correspond to numbers in various languages. There's no real point to this, and it doesn't accomplish much beyond providing some extraordinarily goofy names. Quatre Rebarba Winner, this means you.)

Heero Yuy
The stoic Japanese pilot of the Wing Gundam, Heero was trained as an assassin from an early age. Hence, he's really messed up. Heero is near-indestructible and relentless to an almost comical extreme. He's also kind of crazy. While certainly competent and efficient, Heero lacks a little something in the department of follow-through: At various points in the series, he vows to kill Relena, Quatre, and Duo. In all three cases, he never quite gets around to doing it...

Duo Maxwell
Duo pilots the Gundam Deathscythe. Duo's cultural background is listed as American; yep, you guessed it -- he's the chatty one. Duo likes to refer to himself as the God of Death. As he's kind of small and pretty, I think this is overstating the case a bit. Duo is notable for being least angst-ridden of the five. He's got a great waist-length braid, but Duo, what's up with the jodhpurs?

Trowa Barton
The most vibrant and lively quality of the pilot of the Gundam Heavyarms is his admittedly fabulous hair. Silent, moody, suicidal Trowa doesn't have much personality, and what he does have is pretty lousy. Look, he has amnesia for something like twelve episodes, and no one really notices the difference. In his free time, Trowa works as a particularly glamorous clown in a traveling circus (he loses big points whenever he puts on his clown duds; Trowa, love, you're gorgeous, but no one looks cool in those baggy pants). He's apathetic towards his fellow pilots, save for a weird idolization of Heero's stoicism and a passive affection towards Quatre. Great hair, though.

Quatre Rebarba Winner
Say it twenty times fast, and it still won't exactly roll off the tongue. It won't sound particularly Arabian, either; you'll have to take it on faith that tiny, pale, blond, blue-eyed Quatre is the fabulously wealthy heir to a vast Middle Eastern dynasty. The pilot of the Sandrock Gundam, Quatre is a kind-hearted, smart, vaguely psychic, practical, and all-around great little guy. He's perpetually supported by the forty devoted Arabian soldiers who comprise the elite Maguanauc Corps. Quatre, who thinks the other Gundam pilots are just swell despite relatively little evidence to support this, is hopelessly smitten with icy Trowa. (Side note: I know from a lot of the other Gundam sites out there that some male viewers tend to regard Quatre with what I will euphemistically call disdain. Guys, here's a hint: Chicks dig Quatre. He's cute, generous, competent, and not of least importance, he probably smells really good. Hey, I love Heero, but you just know the guy hasn't washed that tank top any time recently...)

Wufei Chang
Ah, Wufei. The guy who exists just to make Heero look friendly and outgoing. Wufei pilots the Shenlong Gundam, also known as Nataku. (Later in the series, he pilots the Altron Gundam, also known as Nataku... Never mind.) Scornful of his fellow pilots, contemptuous of his enemies, and, oh yeah, venomously misogynistic, Wufei is relentlessly unlovable from start to finish. Give the guy points for consistency, at least. This is not to say that Wufei is entirely without a certain ratty charm. Once you get the hang of him and his vitriolic tirades, he kind of grows on you.

PERIPHERAL CHARACTERS:
Colonel Treize Khushrenada
The man with the goofiest name this side of Quatre Rebarba Winner. Treize is the suave, hunky, wine-swilling, opera-loving leader of Oz and member of the Romefeller Foundation. Philosophical and amiable by nature, Treize is kind of a hard fellow to get a handle on. While clearly an enemy to the Gundams -- indeed, he's their primary target -- he remains a classy, honorable guy, albeit one with a bit of a fetish about war. And how can you hate a guy who enjoys rose-scented bubble baths?

Lieutenant Zechs Marquis
Treize's best chum and an elite officer of Oz. When he takes off his mask, he reverts to his secret identity, that of pacifistic Prince Milliardo Peacecraft of the poorly-named Sanc Kingdom. This whole mask business isn't really fooling anyone, but it seems to make him feel better. While conflicted and moody, Zechs is basically an honorable enough guy, right up until the point where he starts blasting big chunks out of the Earth.

Lady Une
Treize's vicious, ruthless, just-plain-evil right-hand woman. Treize digs her, though. Colonel Une's love for Treize leads her to develop a gentler-natured yet no less creepy split personality.




Lieutenant Lucrezia Noin
A soft-hearted Oz officer with a whopping crush on Zechs. Noin is kind of a doormat (what's this business about graduating second in her class at the Academy so Zechs could be number one?), but I like her anyway.




Relena Darlian (nee Peacecraft)
The adopted daughter of the Vice Foreign Minister, Relena turns out to be Zechs' long- lost sister and ruler of the Sanc (rhymes with "stank") Kingdom. Despite a lack of pertinent qualifications, Relena somehow manages to get herself appointed Queen of the World. I wish I were Queen of the World. Relena is relentlessly, weirdly, frighteningly obsessed with Heero, who alternates between trying to kill her and just trying to put as much space as possible between them.

Major Sally Po
An Alliance Military doctor-cum-guerilla fighter and supporter of the Gundam pilots, Sally is notable for being the only female character who voluntarily hangs out with Wufei. Brave woman, that Sally.




Dorothy Catalonia
The loony, battle-obsessed granddaughter of Romefeller head Duke Dermail. Dorothy would be a lovely girl, were it not for those dueling sets of eyebrows.





THE STORY THUS FAR:
Nearly 200 years after the successful establishment of colonies in outer space, the thriving yet disorganized colonies are chafing under the rigid control of Earth's reigning militaristic power, the United Earth Sphere Alliance. In the year After Colony 195, five powerful mobile suits are sent to Earth from independent rebellious factions on five separate colonies. The young pilots of these Gundams, wholly unaware of the existence of each other, are under strict orders to free the colonies from the increasingly more oppressive grasp of the Alliance military. To achieve this, they must defeat Oz, a secret yet emerging and powerful organization led by Treize Khushrenada within the Alliance. As the Gundams, disguised as meteors, head towards Earth, their subterfuge does not go unnoticed by the Alliance...

EPISODE 1:
The Shooting Star She Saw
As Relena Darlian returns via space shuttle with her father from a visit to the colonies, she glimpses a meteor hurtling towards Earth. The meteor turns out to be Heero in his disguised Wing Gundam. Lieutenant Zechs of the Alliance Military tracks Heero, and engages him in battle using his own mobile suit. Both suits crash into the ocean, Zechs having parachuted to safety. Later, Relena finds the unconscious Heero washed up on the beach. When he awakens, he's horrified to realize she's seen his face. Overreacting wildly, he enrolls as a student in Relena's school. When a smitten Relena invites him to her birthday party, he rips up her invitation, then wipes away her tear and whispers, "I will kill you."

EPISODE 2:
The Gundam Deathscythe
As Relena tries to figure out why the heck Heero wants to kill her, Heero works on destroying his submerged Gundam before the Alliance can get their hands on it. Meanwhile, Duo, in his Gundam Deathscythe, appears underwater and destroys the Alliance mobile suits searching for the Wing Gundam. Relena abandons her own birthday party to follow Heero, who promptly tries to shoot her. She's saved by the sudden appearance of Duo, who puts a couple bullets into Heero before a frantic Relena flings herself in front of Heero and begs him to stop. Heero manages to send torpedos into the ocean, effectively damaging both Deathscythe and Wing, before collapsing into the water, unconscious.

EPISODE 3:
Five Gundams Confirmed
Heero wakes up strapped to a table in a hospital run by the Alliance military, while Major Sally Po grills Relena about the identity of the patient. Duo impulsively breaks Heero out of the hospital, diving with him out of a high window. Ever macho, Heero attempts to kill himself by not releasing his parachute, but only manages to sustain multiple injuries when he crashes into a rocky cliff. Zechs, intrigued by the prospect of battling the Gundams, takes command of the Tallgeese, a near- antiquated yet powerful mobile suit. Elsewhere, an Alliance base finds itself under attack by Trowa in his Gundam Heavyarms. Just as Trowa runs out of ammunition, Quatre and the Maguanauc Corps arrive and defeat the enemy mobile suits. Trowa then attempts to battle Quatre, who puts a stop to this nonsense by stepping out of his Gundam and surrendering.

EPISODE 4:
The Victoria Nightmare
Zechs visits the Victoria Base, where spunky Lt. Noin trains recruits to handle the Alliance's newest mobile suits. Bad egg Wufei bombs the barracks while the recruits sleep, then tries to destroy the suits. Enraged, Noin pursues him, but hesitates to kill him because of his youth. Wufei shoots her down and derides her as weak. Quatre takes Trowa back to his lavish Middle Eastern base and repairs his Gundam. Heero refuses Duo's offer to help him fix his damaged Gundam, then later steals parts from Deathscythe to repair Wing. Meanwhile, Colonel Treize, lounging in a bubble bath, languidly gives Lady Une the go-ahead to take out Relena's father, Vice Foreign Minister Darlian, who has been raising too many questions about the Alliance's methods for dealing with the colonies...

EPISODE 5:
Relena's Secret
Relena and her father return to space to meet with leaders of the colonies, where Lady Une tosses a bomb into the meeting room. Relena and her badly injured father are rescued by members of a rebel organization. Relena's father tells her the secret of her true identity -- that she is actually Relena Peacecraft, princess of the destroyed Sanc Kingdom -- before dying. Relena meets Dr. J, one of the scientists responsible for creating the Gundams and orchestrating the mission to send them to Earth. Dr. J tells her a little of Heero's origins as an assassin, and warns her to stay away from him.

EPISODE 6:
Party Night
A heartbroken Relena returns to Earth, where her school is holding a festive party. Heero, having completed his latest mission, prepares to leave the school. He's stopped by Relena, who makes him dance with her. Trowa, who has been passing time at a circus as the world's most anemic clown, passively lets knife-throwing babe Catherine accidentally nick him with a misplaced blade. She's nonplussed by his apparent death wish. Relena's school is attacked by mobile suits commanded by Lady Une, who is trying to finish the attempt to kill Relena. Heero, in Wing, finds himself inadvertently protecting Relena. Treize calls off the attack as a favor to Zechs, who, in his secret identity as Prince Milliardo Peacecraft of the Sanc Kingdom, wants to protect his long-lost sister. Heero makes one final attempt to kill Relena, and can't bring himself to do it. He flies off, thoroughly disgusted with himself.

EPISODE 7:
Scenario for Bloodshed
Heads of the Alliance meet at the New Edwards base to discuss the prospect of peaceful relations with the colonies. Treize disperses false information that the meeting is actually a gathering of high mucky-mucks of Oz, his secret organization of elite Alliance soldiers. Heero, Duo, Trowa, and Quatre take the bait and attack the gathering. Heero destroys a shuttle containing Marshall Noventa, the foremost proponent of peace between the Earth and colonies. Whoops. Meanwhile, all across the world Oz soldiers emerge from within the Alliance and violently begin to take over. Wufei belatedly arrives at New Edwards, and sanctimoniously alerts the others to their grievous mistake.

EPISODE 8:
The Treize Assassination
Wufei and Trowa leave New Edwards together with the intention of killing Treize. Heero, Duo, and Quatre remain at New Edwards in a state of confusion and grief. Lady Une, seeing an opportunity to take out the remaining Gundams, orders the detonation of missiles kept at the base. Major Sally arrives and calls on Heero to deactivate the missiles, which he narrowly accomplishes. Zechs reveals his identity as Milliardo Peacecraft, and kills the Alliance officer responsible for the destruction of his family and the Sanc Kingdom. Wufei attacks Treize, who responds by calmly challenging him to a swordfight. Wufei loses the duel, yet Treize refuses to kill him. If you've guessed that Treize will live to regret this, give yourself an ice cream bar. Humiliated, Wufei storms off, vowing to return.

EPISODE 9:
Portrait of a Ruined Country
Zechs, still trying to master his unpredictable Tallgeese mobile suit, returns to his ruined homeland. For the first time, he removes his mask, revealing his lovely face. Heero and Duo enroll in another school, plotting to destroy a nearby Oz base (personally, I would think one of the very few benefits of being a fifteen-year-old assassin would be not having to go to school, but what do I know?); obsessive Relena tracks Heero to the school and follows him around.

EPISODE 10:
Heero, Distracted by Defeat
Lady Une leads a briefing on a plan to lure out and attack the Gundams near the Siberian base, where Oz is transporting their new mobile suits. The Gundams, sans Wufei who is wracked with self- loathing for his defeat by Treize, head out to destroy the new suits. Zechs, looking for the chance to battle Heero again, challenges him with Tallgeese. Lady Une stops the proceedings by threatening to destroy one of the colonies if the Gundam pilots don't surrender. Dr. J, broadcasting a message from the colonies, informs Lady Une that they will surrender, but will not give Oz the Gundams. Heero very calmly activates the self-detonation device in Wing, which explodes mightily. As Heero lies in an ever-deepening pool of his own blood (eww...), Quatre has a ghastly psychic moment where he experiences Heero's pain. Trowa scoops up Heero's apparently lifeless form as the remaining Gundams retreat in distress.

EPISODE 11:
The Whereabouts of Happiness
Sad bunnies Quatre and Duo retreat to Quatre's desert base. Oz troops infiltrate and plant bombs around the town where the base is located. While the Maguanauc soldiers battle Oz, the town is evacuated, and Quatre and Duo make their escape. Zechs whimsically begins to rebuild the demolished Wing Gundam. Relena finds Lady Une in Moscow, and attempts to kill her to avenge her father's death. Oz soldiers pursue Relena, who is rescued by Lt. Noin, sent by Treize to protect her.

EPISODE 12:
Bewildered Soldiers
Heero, who has been in a coma for a month under Trowa's lackadaisical care, finally regains consciousness. Wufei, puttering around China doing nothing in particular, encounters Sally Po, who has left the Alliance and has joined a band of guerilla fighters opposing the remnants of the Alliance and Oz. Reluctantly, he uses his Shenlong Gundam to come to her aid. Trowa's circus gears up for a special gala performance for Oz soldiers, which Trowa interprets as his opportunity to cause a whole lot of chaos...

EPISODE 13:
Catherine's Tears
Lt. Noin's psychotic protegees Alex and Mueller begin a mindless slaughter of remaining Alliance troops. Zechs, in Tallgeese, briefly joins them. Horrified by their dishonorable tactics, Zechs ends up killing them, and effectively begins to go renegade from Oz. Trowa trots out Heavyarms in the middle of the circus performance for Oz, with the intention of self- destructing (Trowa, just because Heero self-destructed doesn't mean you have to). Catherine, who has inexplicably become devoted to Trowa, stops him by slapping him, calling him selfish for trying to kill himself, and bursting into tears.

EPISODE 14:
The Order to Destroy 01
Heero, still badly injured, sets out to make reparations to the family of Marshall Noventa by offering them the chance to kill him. No one takes him up on it. Noin and Relena attend an assembly of members of the Romefeller Foundation, an aristocratic association providing much of the financial backing for Oz. Romefeller member Treize makes a pretty speech about the need to eliminate the Gundams. Relena takes the stage and decries Oz and the Foundation, while a scandalized Noin tries to stop her. Romefeller commands Zechs to destroy the partially- rebuilt Wing Gundam. He blows up some spare parts instead, which doesn't particularly fool anyone...

EPISODE 15:
To the Battleground -- Antarctica
Noin tracks down Heero and Trowa and invites them to accompany her to Antarctica, where Heero can secretly finish his battle with Zechs. They are followed by members of Romefeller, who suspect Zechs' deceit. Noin is attacked by mobile suits who want her to reveal Zechs' location. Trowa comes to the rescue in Heavyarms, relentlessly slaughtering the attackers. Horrified, Noin begins to grow concerned about the effects of the battles on the very young pilots.

EPISODE 16:
The Sorrowful Battle
In Antarctica, Zechs shows Heero the completed Wing Gundam. Unwilling to accept charity from Zechs, Heero decides to battle in Trowa's Heavyarms. Relena, once again stalking Heero, learns that the widow of Marshall Noventa is looking for Heero to give him a letter forgiving him for the assassination of her husband. As the battle between Heero and Zechs gets underway, Relena arrives on the battlefield to stop them. When Zechs continues to pummel the still-wounded Heero, Relena yells at Heero to kill him. Noin stops her, and tells Relena that Zechs is her brother. The battle is interrupted when the Romefeller troops discover their location. Heero and Trowa beat a hasty retreat as Zechs, who tells Noin to get Relena out of there, takes on the troops by himself.

EPISODE 17:
Betrayed by Home, Far Away
Oz begins to test their unmanned mobile suits, known as mobile dolls, in an attempt to wipe out the remaining Alliance military forces in space. Lady Une, who has developed a kinder, gentler split personality (she lets down her hair and takes off her glasses; naturally, she's beautiful), visits the colonies to promote peace. Quatre and Duo, who have spent the past month lolling by the pool in a fabulous mansion (I'm guessing Quatre is footing the bill for this one), decide to return to space. They begin a splashy battle at Oz's Singapore base, in the hope that the other pilots will follow their example. The battle goes poorly, until Wufei comes to the rescue. Realizing that Oz will shoot them down the minute they attempt to blast off into space, Quatre remains behind and self-destructs his Gundam Sandrock to take out the remaining Oz troops (Quatre, just because Heero self-destructed doesn't mean you have to). Sandrock conscientiously sets Quatre down on the ground, then walks away before self-detonating. Heero and Trowa correctly interpret the message to go to space, leaving their Gundams on Earth. Badly injured, Quatre manages to get to a shuttle and blasts off to space as well. Meanwhile, all five of the scientists who built the individual Gundams and masterminded the plan to send them to space are hunted down and captured by Oz.

EPISODE 18:
Tallgeese Destroyed
Zechs, who has surrendered to the tender mercies of Oz, tells Treize that he can no longer support Oz in good faith. Treize provides Zechs with the chance to die heroically by singlehandedly taking on a gajillion attacking Alliance mobile suits. Zechs handily survives the bombardment, though his mask finally splits apart in battle, signaling the end of his friendship with Treize. When Quatre's shuttle drifts into territory still occupied by the Alliance, the military decides to recruit the badly-wounded pilot to their side. Oz detects this, however, and plans to shoot down Quatre's shuttle. Lady Une, in her evil persona once again, tells the five Gundam scientists to build powerful Gundams for Oz. They consent, on the condition that she spare Quatre. She agrees, but, being rotten to the core, secretly gives the order to destroy the shuttle. An Alliance military captain boards the shuttle and finds cute little Quatre unconscious and dying. Vowing to protect Quatre, he places him in his own mobile suit and sends him away to safety, then remains in the shuttle as Oz blasts it to pieces.

EPISODE 19:
Assault on Barge
Wounded Zechs regains consciousness in the care of Howard, one of the original builders of the Tallgeese. Oz attacks Duo in space, and cripples Deathscythe. Duo attempts to self-destruct (Duo, just because Heero self-destructed...), but ends up getting captured. The colonists, who have fully banded with Oz against the Gundams, call for Duo's execution. Heero catches wind of Duo's capture and somehow gets it into his pretty little head to kill him. Once he actually reaches Duo, however, he relents, and helps him escape, amidst much chaos.

EPISODE 20:
The Lunar Base Infiltration
Heero heads out to Oz's lunar base to kill the scientists and destroy the new Gundams: the still-incomplete Mercurius and Vayeate. Back on Earth, Sally Po attempts to destroy Sandrock, which has been partially rebuilt by Oz. She's stopped by members of the Maguanauc Corps, who intend to rebuild Sandrock for Quatre. Oz searches the colonies for pilots capable of handling the new Gundams. They end up recruiting... Trowa. As a test of his loyalty, Trowa is required to demolish Deathscythe, which he does as Duo watches from the colony in absolute horror. Heero takes over the incomplete Vayeate to destroy the scientists, but ends up getting captured by Trowa.

EPISODE 21:
Grief-Stricken Quatre
Evil Lady Une sends Officer Trowa and the captured Heero in the new Gundams to intercept Zechs, who has returned to space in the Tallgeese. Zechs tells them that he is now Ambassador Peacecraft, on a goodwill mission to space. Quatre, who has been floating aimlessly in space, is rescued and treated by a kindly doctor, who, oddly, neglects to tell him that she's actually his older sister. She takes him back to their home colony, where he confronts his disapproving pacifist father, who is understandably a little upset that his young son has been off blowing stuff up on Earth. While Quatre sets about building himself a new mobile suit from plans left by one of the scientists, his father deals with the ire of the colonists, who support Oz's decision to use one of the natural resource satellites owned by the peace-loving Winner family to produce weapons. When Quatre's father attempts to unhook the satellite to prevent Oz from getting their grubby little hands on it, he is attacked by Oz. Quatre heads up to the satellite, but is unable to prevent his father's murder. Alone in space, Quatre cackles ominously as he vows revenge on the colonies.

EPISODE 22:
The Fight For Independence
In a divine meeting of split personalities, Good Lady Une graciously meets Ambassador Milliardo Peacecraft. Weird. As Romefeller prepares to send vile Chief Engineer Tuberov to space to oversee production of the mobile dolls, Treize tells Romefeller head Duke Dermail of his strong objection to the mobile dolls; he believes battles without the risk of losing human lives become dehumanized games. Treize also tells Good Lady Une that her split personality gives him the willies, and begs her to become evil once more. Oz's powerful space outpost Barge prepares to fire its beam cannon at a colony where Alliance officers, not to mention a visiting Zechs, are stationed. Lady Une, in a mobile suit, joins the battle; Treize contacts Zechs and begs him to protect Une. Trowa, still undercover in Oz, redirects the beam cannon to avoid hitting the colony. Wufei, his Gundam weaponless and powerless, allows himself to be captured by Tuberov, in the hopes of getting Shenlong repaired by Oz.

EPISODE 23:
Duo, God of Death Once Again
Duo whimsically joins Oz at the urging of Hilde, a cute Oz recruit from the colonies. He's exposed in no time, and ends up getting captured by Hilde. Hilde, after talking with Duo, ends up having doubts about Oz's supposed kindly intentions in space. When Duo escapes and heads for the lunar base, Hilde stops the mobile dolls pursuing him. Duo crashes the lunar base, and discovers that the five scientists have been secretly restoring Deathscythe and Shenlong. He allows himself to be captured by Oz while the repairs are finished, and ends up imprisoned with Wufei and Heero.

EPISODE 24:
The Gundam They Called Zero
A powerful new Gundam with a marked resemblance to Wing appears in space and destroys a resource satellite. When the Gundam next targets a colony, Lady Une sends out Trowa and Heero in the Vayeate and Mercurius to stop it. On the lunar base, Tuberov cuts off the air supply to the cells containing the scientists and Duo and Wufei. Strongly suspecting that the new Gundam is piloted by Quatre, Trowa is optimistic about the potential for all five Gundam pilots to team up against Oz. His optimism is quickly shattered when Quatre, on an insane rampage, blows up the colony, destroys the mobile suits sent to stop him, and opens fire on Trowa. Quatre explains to a bewildered Trowa that he's decided outer space has gone crazy, and therefore must be destroyed. Heero decides he's had about enough of this crap, and coldly informs Quatre that he's going to kill him.

EPISODE 25:
Quatre vs. Heero
Quatre and Heero promptly begin to beat the hell out of each other. Quatre's new Gundam easily defeats the Mercurius. As Quatre fires the killing blast, Trowa throws himself in front of Heero, taking the full brunt. As the Vayeate begins to sizzle ominously, Trowa calmly talks to a horror-struck Quatre, calming him down. When the Vayeate explodes spectacularly, Heero attacks Quatre, while a newly-sane Quatre begs him to kill him and save Trowa. Heero eventually loses consciousness from his injuries, while Trowa, thrown from his suit and drifting in space, expresses a silent wish that Heero go easy on Quatre. On Earth, Treize confronts the Romefeller Foundation and resigns from Oz, as he can't support the use of mobile dolls. Duke Dermail orders Treize confined to the Foundation headquarters. Aware of Tuberov's treachery, Lady Une arrives on the lunar base and restores air to the prisoners. She's stopped by Tuberov, but manages to free Wufei and Duo before calmly allowing Tuberov to shoot her.

EPISODE 26:
The Eternal Flame of the Shooting Stars
Heero and Quatre are captured by Oz and taken to the lunar base. Quatre is distraught over the presumed-dead Trowa (he's going to be distraught for another twelve episodes, so get used to it). When Oz soldiers prepare to execute the pilots, they are stopped by rebel Oz soldiers calling themselves the Treize Faction in support of the confined Treize. The Treize Faction soldiers take Heero and Quatre to the five scientists, who reveal that the new Gundam, Wing Zero, has a consciousness-altering cockpit system that enhances the fighting ability of the pilot, but can cause the pilot to go berserk. Hence, Quatre's madcap escapades. Oz discovers the Treize Faction's hideout, and makes them turn over Heero and Quatre to them. When Oz rather foolishly forces Heero to test out Wing Zero, Heero promptly goes insane and starts destroying everything in sight. Quatre tries to stop him in the Mercurius, and manages to trigger Heero back into quasi- rational thought. Heero tumbles out of Wing Zero, then starts glowing and hallucinating about Relena. Quatre has another little psychic moment, and interprets Heero's hallucination to mean they should return to Earth. As the Mercurius explodes and destroys the lunar base, Quatre and Heero blast off for Earth...

EPISODE 27:
The Locus of Victory and Defeat
The series stops down to give everyone a chance to catch their breath as Heero and Relena recap the story thus far.

EPISODE 28:
Passing Destinies
Recap, part two. Treize and Lady Une fill in the rest of the details.

EPISODE 29:
The Heroine of the Battlefield
Quatre and Heero arrive on Earth and are promptly picked up by a military force. While orders have been issued for the execution of the Gundam pilots, the kindly commanding officer lets his young prisoners escape. Sally Po, who has discovered Heero's discarded Gundam, is arrested by Oz officers. Noin rescues Sally in exchange for the Wing Gundam. Duke Dermail's granddaughter Dorothy Catalonia arrives in the Sanc Kingdom, where Relena is now head of a school promoting theories of pacifism.

EPISODE 30:
Reunion with Relena
To Quatre's dismay, Heero joins the Treize Faction's fight against Oz. Quatre, wandering aimlessly around a war-torn village, hears of the peaceful intentions of the Sanc Kingdom. Inspired, he promptly hijacks an Oz mobile suit and rescues Heero from a hopeless battle. Noin arrives on the scene, picks them both up, and takes them to the Sanc Kingdom, where they are met by a vastly contented Relena.

EPISODE 31:
The Glass Kingdom
Relena bribes Heero into sticking around by extending the Sanc Kingdom's assistance in searching for Trowa. Heero and Quatre enroll as the only male students in Relena's pacifist school. Heero is challenged to a fencing match by war-loving Dorothy, who is well aware of his identity as a Gundam pilot. Wounded members of the Treize Faction are driven by Oz into the Sanc Kingdom, where Relena offers them sanctuary. Oz interprets this as a reason to invade. The Oz forces are driven off by Heero in Wing, and Noin and Quatre in Noin's purloined mobile suits.

EPISODE 32:
The God of Death Meets Zero
Duo, still in space, has shacked up with Hilde while making the final repairs to the new, improved Deathscythe. Lt. Trent of Oz, who wants to run tests on Wing Zero's cockpit system, tracks Duo down and forces him to pilot Zero. Duo, naturally, goes buggy as a result of the system. Trent, anxious to control Zero himself, tosses Duo out into space where he's rescued by the arrival of Hilde with Deathscythe. Duo battles a hallucinating Trent, directing Zero's blast back on him. Trent's helmet faceplate shatters, and the now-pilotless Zero drifts aimlessly into space.

EPISODE 33:
The Lonely Battlefield
Zechs, mask firmly in place once more, runs renegade with Tallgeese in space. He has teamed with Howard, who is now captaining Peacemillion, a gigantic, slow-moving spacecraft with a nifty cloaking device. Duke Dermail, looking for an excuse to wipe out the Sanc Kingdom, sends for Relena. Relena makes Heero promise not to leave until after she returns, a promise he promptly breaks by skeedaddling off to Luxembourg to join the Treize Faction in the thick of the battle. Dermail challenges Relena on the hypocrisy of the Sanc Kingdom's pacifism, pointing out that her own brother has been causing many battles in space. Relena cleverly (?) points out that the masked fighter calls himself Zechs Marquis, and thus cannot possibly be her brother Milliardo. Oddly enough, this logic stymies the heads of Romefeller. On her return from meeting with Dermail, Relena's car is attacked by mobile dolls. She's saved by the arrival of Quatre and Noin. Meanwhile, in Luxembourg, a faltering Heero receives a message from Treize, urging him not to die...

EPISODE 34:
And It's Name is Epyon
Heero finds himself welcomed into Treize's secret Luxembourg lair, where Treize shows him a magnificent new Gundam: Epyon. Heero and Treize pull guns on each other, debate the existence of God, and engage in all kinds of manly shenanigans. Treize created Epyon to find the true meaning of battle. Epyon has a consciousness-altering Zero cockpit system as well; in fact, it can predict the pilot's future. Treize mentions that Epyon revealed he has no future to choose from... In space, Oz soldiers find the drifting Wing Zero and prepare to destroy it. Never one to pass up a golden opportunity, Zechs self-destructs Tallgeese and hijacks the more powerful Wing Zero, then starts to raise bloody hell. Heero, in Epyon, reenters the battle in Luxembourg. Epyon's system does a number on him, and he ends up killing everyone in sight. Epyon also apparently shows him his death. Heero staggers back to Treize, who hands him a gun and urges him to kill him. Heero gasps that he doesn't have the right to kill Treize, and passes out.

EPISODE 35:
The Return of Wufei
Trowa, suffering from amnesia and apparently a partial lobotomy, makes his staggering way to the circus, where Catherine comforts him. Wufei, back on his home colony, battles attacking mobile dolls in his spanking new Altron Gundam. While Wufei fights, his colony leaders self-destruct the entire colony rather than let it fall to Oz. I think this explains a lot about Wufei, actually. Quatre returns to the Middle East to retrieve Sandrock. His plane is shot down by Oz, so he makes his way across the desert on foot. Wufei runs into Zechs in Wing Zero. Zechs asks him to join him to fight Oz; Wufei is having none of this, and attacks Zechs. The Zero system kicks in, and deranged Zechs ends up firing on Peacemillion, before Howard manages to calm him down. In the confusion, Wufei beats a hasty retreat.

EPISODE 36:
Sanc Kingdom's Collapse
Duo and Hilde go to the circus, where -- surprise, surprise -- they encounter a still-amnesiac Trowa, who gets kind of freaked out by Duo's visit. In space, Tuberov constructs a mighty battleship, Libra. Romefeller attacks the Sanc Kingdom with a vengeance. Quatre, reunited with Sandrock, joins the battle with the help of the Maguanauc soldiers. Relena puts an end to the battle by surrendering herself to the Romefeller Foundation. A sorrowful Noin asks Quatre to accompany her in space.

EPISODE 37:
Zero vs. Epyon
Zechs returns to Earth. Despite Relena's surrender, Heero keeps battling Oz with Epyon. He engages Zechs in battle, although Zechs is not convinced they're still enemies. Duke Dermail tells Relena that she is to be Romefeller's chief representative, as a symbol of their false intentions for world peace. Tuberov is hijacked by rebellious Oz soldiers supporting colonial independence, who call themselves the White Fang. The White Fang group takes over the battleship Libra. Wufei joins the skirmish, indiscriminately killing both members of Oz and the White Fang. Tuberov is killed in the crossfire, to the dismay of no one. The battle between Zero and Epyon becomes weird and brutal, as both pilots become thoroughly corrupted by the Zero system. Both Zechs and Heero eventually quit from exhaustion. As Oz forces close in, Heero departs in Wing Zero, leaving the freaky Epyon for Zechs.

EPISODE 38:
The Birth of Queen Relena
While Wufei creates more chaos in space, Noin attempts to get him to join her. Not surprisingly, he refuses. Duo visits Quatre at his home colony, and tells him that Trowa is still alive. Quatre promptly heads for the circus, and bursts into tears at the sight of Trowa. Trowa fails to recognize him, and over- protective Catherine drives Quatre away. When Oz attacks the colony, Quatre fights them in space. Sensing Quatre is in danger (he tells Catherine, "I can hear him crying." Lucky guess -- Quatre's usually crying), Trowa heads out to rescue him. Relena is crowned Queen of the World. Her first official action is to give a really long speech about dissolving national boundaries.

EPISODE 39:
Trowa's Return to the Battlefield
An embittered Zechs is asked to lead the White Fang. Noin, Quatre, and Trowa (amnesia still fully in place) are attacked by Oz soldiers. Quatre's Sandrock is ill-equipped for space, and the battle goes poorly... until Duo arrives and joins the fracas. Heero, once again, decides he must kill Relena, to prevent her from becoming a symbol of Romefeller's false peace.

EPISODE 40:
A New Leader
Howard, in Peacemillion, contacts Duo, and invites the Gundam pilots aboard for repairs. Duke Dermail, who has fallen into disfavor among Romefeller, heads to space at the urging of Dorothy. Heero, naturally, can't bring himself to kill Relena. Zechs arrives on Libra and takes over the White Fang. His first action is to shoot down Dermail's shuttle. He then announces his intentions to eliminate the Earth.

EPISODE 41:
Crossfire at Barge
Libra attacks Barge, Oz's last outpost in space. Noin, accompanied by Quatre, Duo, and Trowa, decides to confront Zechs about his intentions. On Earth, Sally Po finds Heero and gives him Trowa's Gundam Heavyarms. Meanwhile, Treize decides he'd like to be Queen of the World, and gently removes Relena from power. Relena heads up to space to stop her brother. Zechs heads out in Epyon and starts battling the Gundams. When Barge prepares to fire its powerful beam cannon on them, Zechs destroys Barge.

EPISODE 42:
Battleship Libra
The few remaining survivors of the disaster at Barge make it to Earth. The survivors include a comatose Lady Une. Wufei, still battling on his own, encounters Sally and Heero in space. Heero offers Wufei the use of Wing Zero. The Zero system shows Wufei that his future lies with the other Gundam pilots. Wufei reluctantly bends his principles and joins up with Heero and Sally. Dorothy joins Zechs on Libra.

EPISODE 43:
Target Earth
Sally, Heero, and Wufei join the gang on Peacemillion. This marks the first occasion the Gundam pilots have all been in the same room with each other, an event only Quatre seems particularly happy about. The colony hosting Trowa's circus is held hostage by desperate Oz soldiers, who demand that the White Fang surrender Libra to prevent the destruction of the colony. Trowa takes Wing Zero and heads out to save Catherine. When the Zero system works its magic on Trowa's fragile brain, Quatre talks him out of blowing the colony. Finally, Trowa's memory comes trickling back. While all this is going on, Zechs fires Libra's mighty beam cannon, and blows a big ol' chunk out of the Earth...

EPISODE 44:
Go Forth, Gundam Team
Relena arrives on Libra, and gets a chilly hug from her socially-maladroit brother. The Gundam kids try to figure out whether they should be fighting Treize or Zechs, and eventually decide to go after the guy who just blew a hole in the Earth. Zechs sends strategically-programed mobile dolls after the pilots; the boys, who are not exactly a well-oiled fighting machine, have a heckuva time fending them off. Realizing that the team needs a strong leader, Heero loads the Zero system onto Quatre's Gundam, a fact he neglects to tell the poor kid until the last possible second. Heero tells Quatre to use the system to lead the others into battle against the mobile dolls while Heero is off fighting Epyon. Dorothy, back on Libra, uses the Zero system to control the mobile dolls attacking the Gundams. Quatre whips the team into shape, and manages to outwit Dorothy and her mobile dolls. In a panic, she orders Libra to fire on Peacemillion. Peacemillion barely maneuvers out of the way. Realizing the folly of giving Dorothy too much power, Zechs breaks off his fight with Heero and returns to Libra.

EPISODE 45:
Signs of the Final Battle
Quatre disengages the Zero system from Sandrock, telling a dubious Heero that he can lead the team without it. Treize himself heads up to space to confront Zechs. Hilde sneaks onto Libra and steals plans to take back to the Gundam pilots. Mobile dolls fashioned after the Mercurius and Vayeate and programed with Heero's and Trowa's battle data attack her. Duo comes to her aid, and a badly-wounded Hilde manages to give him the information on Libra. Heero learns from her that Relena is now on Libra.

EPISODE 46:
Milliardo's Decision
Heero infiltrates Libra to rescue Relena. Heero begins to understand Zech's intentions: By making himself into a single dreaded enemy, Zechs hopes the resulting terrible war will unify the Earth against him. Back on Peacemillion, the Gundam pilots try to persuade Wufei to be nice to Relena if Heero brings her on board. Treize, in the Tallgeese II (he slapped a nice coat of blue paint on it), challenges Zechs to a duel. Zechs refuses and opens fire on Treize. Lady Une, roused from her coma, takes the Wing Gundam and comes to Treize's rescue in the nick of time.

EPISODE 47:
Collision in Space
Heero decides to stay with Relena on Libra. Zechs goes off to fight the other Gundam pilots with the aid of only three mobile dolls. In an attempt to pick off the pilots one at a time, he focuses the attack entirely against Quatre, figuring he'll take out the smart one first. Libra positions itself to fire on Earth again. Seeing this, Sally Po commands Peacemillion to collide into Libra's beam cannon. Zechs breaks off fighting the Gundams to try to stop Peacemillion. Noin intercepts Zechs; she can't bring herself to shoot him, and he can't bring himself to kill her. Peacemillion crashes into Libra and becomes inextricably linked with it. Wufei heads off to help Treize in battle, in order to get the chance to duel him later. Quatre, Duo, and Trowa enter Libra on foot, where Duo finds the five scientists imprisoned by Zechs. Quatre runs smack into Dorothy, who opens fire on him. Zechs, in Epyon, stands atop Libra and awaits his final battle with Heero. Noin, in her mobile suit, joins him at his side.

EPISODE 48:
Takeoff into Confusion
Zechs plans to crash the oversized battleship Libra into the Earth, thus creating massive confusion. Duo helps the scientists sneak onto Peacemillion, where they plan to thwart Zechs' schemes by reversing the engines. The Maguanauc Corps arrive in space to help the Gundams. Duo realizes that Zechs has intentionally managed to wholly unite the Earth in battle against him. Heero sends Relena to Peacemillion, then heads out in Wing Zero to battle Zechs. Dorothy, hooked into the Zero system, challenges Quatre to a fencing duel, during which she ruthlessly criticizes his actions before impaling him. While skewered, Quatre earnestly tells Dorothy that he thinks she's really a very kind person... Wufei duels Treize in space, and ends up killing him. Horrified, Wufei bursts into tears and sobs, "I didn't think I'd win!" Upon Treize's death, Lady Une announces the surrender of Earth. Libra still relentlessly plows toward the Earth, as Heero and Zechs prepare for their final battle.

EPISODE 49:
The Final Victor
While Quatre politely hemorrhages in a corner, Trowa idly chats with Dorothy while slowly disconnecting the mobile doll control system with a pen knife. Despite his wounds, Quatre manages to lead the others in an attempt to demolish Libra before it hits the Earth. A sizeable chunk still falls towards Earth; naturally, this happens to be the chunk Heero and Zechs are fighting in. Zechs kind of drops out of the picture while Heero demolishes the chunk as it enters the atmosphere, providing the Earth with a mighty nice meteor shower for their victory celebration. Lady Une calls for the disarmament of Earth, claiming that this was what Treize intended all along. Later, as Noin and Dorothy place flowers on Treize's grave, Noin states her conviction that Zechs is still out there somewhere. I think I'm just going to forget the tag ending, in which Heero gives Vice Foreign Minister Relena a teddy bear as a present for her birthday...

The Strange, Sick, Sad Career of Michael Rosenbaum

(Archived from my now-defunct Geocities site.)

Let's make one thing clear: Michael Rosenbaum owns "Smallville."

Oh, sure, if you look at it in terms of billing or total number of scenes or overall importance to the collective national pop culture consciousness, then yes, Rosenbaum's dewy co-star Tom Welling, who plays emerging superhero Clark Kent, would seem to have the better claim to the show. But really, who are we kidding? "Smallville" belongs in no small part to Rosenbaum's marvelously complex Lex Luthor. Smooth, shrewd, polished, devious, slutty, generous, laid-back, and, on occasion, stark raving nuts, Lex is at times the only thing distinguishing "Smallville" from the glut of other teen-oriented shows on The WB. Lex, in short, rocks.

(Note: A convincing argument could be made that John Glover, who plays Lex's charmingly evil father Lionel, actually owns "Smallville," but that's a Strange, Sick, Sad Career essay for another time. Today is all about Rosenbaum).

Unlike Welling, who proceeded immediately from being birthed from the sea foam into television stardom (with minor detours along the way for day jobs in the fields of construction work and male modeling), Rosenbaum has been around for a while, putting in his time in the trenches. He's a talented actor, and more to the point, he's not afraid to work at it. He is also, as anyone who's ever read one of his interviews or listened to one of his audio commentaries knows, a high-energy, high-voltage, loose-cannon kick in the pants, and we love him for it.

It's been a long strange journey to Smallville. Here are the high points:

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil (1997):
I had seen Clint Eastwood's stagnant adaptation of John Berendt's book about the weird goings-on in Savannah when it first came out, and I more or less had a clear memory of it (though it's entirely possible I napped through some of John Cusack's romance with Allison Eastwood. I am, after all, only human). Hence, I was confused to see this on Rosenbaum's filmography, as I had absolutely no recollection of him being in it in any way, shape or form. In the interest of Rosenbaum completion, I plodded my way through it again. There were no new revelations the second time around, though I can now confirm that Rosenbaum is, in fact, in the movie, in one brief dues-paying scene as Jude Law's buddy who testifies at Kevin Spacey's murder trial. If you remember his part at all, it'd be for his under-oath insistence that he's been heterosexual for two whole weeks. Way to earn your SAG card, Michael.

1999 (1998):
The video box for "1999" has a short blurb about writer/director Nick Davis, which notes that he's the grandson of legendary "Citizen Kane" scribe Herman J. Mankiewicz. Unless you have just written the next "Citizen Kane," this is the sort of information you might want to leave off the video box of your movie, in the interest of avoiding scorn and ridicule from people like me. In fairness to Davis, the film appears to have been released on video as part of a series of independent films, and thus the biographical information was probably part of an attempt by the distributor to lend the film indie cred. Any established cred was then immediately negated by the decision to put bit player Amanda Peet in a shiny tank top on the cover. "1999" saw its video release in 2001, right when Peet was enjoying a wave of fame for her roles in "Whipped" and "The Whole Nine Yards"; had it been released the following year after the debut of "Alias," I have little doubt that co-star Jennifer Garner would've been on the cover in a shiny tank top instead.

"1999" rubbed me the wrong way at first, to the extent that I shut it off halfway through and took a brisk walk in the pouring rain until I had burned off enough crankiness to finish watching it. The plot deals with the collective angst of a group of New Yorkers at a New Year's Eve party, pre-millennium. Dan Futterman's central character is a filmmaker who, on the cusp of the millennium, worries at length about his career shortcomings; he alleviates his self-doubts by breaking up with sweetly devoted girlfriend Garner and making a play for sexy coworker Peet. This all plays out about as sympathetically as you'd think.

Rosenbaum, for his part, is tucked away with Timothy Olyphant in a tedious durian fruit-related subplot - specifically, their quest to unlock the mysterious psychotropic qualities thereof. Let me take this opportunity to point out that durian fruit has no mysterious psychotropic qualities. I'm not sure it's ever been purported to have mysterious psychotropic qualities anywhere outside of this movie.

The film is shot in someone's living room on a shoestring budget; the production values are actually a little lower than what you'd find in your average student film. Davis assembled a hotbed of emerging talent here, but there's no detectable star quality in anyone; it looks for all the world like Davis bribed his friends and college roommates into giving up their weekend to make his film. Still, by the end, as the various subplots played themselves out, I mellowed in my attitude. There's a lot wrong with "1999," but it more or less comes together, and the script is strong. The video was preceded by a strange message from Davis about how, despite maxing out his credit cards to make the film and not seeing any return on his investment, he'd do it all over again. Everything considered, there were probably worse ways he could have spent his money. Were there better ways he could have spent his money? Oh, hell yes.

Urban Legend (1998):
Remember when that vested, wide-collared, sideburned, Saturday Night Feverish look experienced a revival in the late nineties amongst a certain kind of hip yet irritating guy? Yes, thanks to "Urban Legend," Rosenbaum has immortalized that fashion moment on screen, lucky fellow. One of the slew of teen horror films that washed up into theaters in the wake of "Scream," "Urban Legend"'s signature gimmick lies in the title: a flimsily-motivated psychotic killer butchers college kids in ways reckoning back to urban legends. Like the other films of its ilk, "Urban Legend" has the requisite hip young cast, including the consistently entertaining Joshua Jackson and the less consistently entertaining Jared Leto. It also features a lively performance by Tara Reid, whose well-documented off-screen antics unfortunately tend to overshadow her genuine comic flair; here, Reid shows more spark than gorgeous but sullen lead Alicia Witt. Rosenbaum fills a very specific horror movie niche in "Urban Legend": he's the vaguely assholish friend who gets butchered in some creative yet physically improbable manner. Curiously enough, Jackson also fulfils that exact same function.

So is there anything about "Urban Legend" that makes it stand out from the horror movie pack? Eh. The DVD features a restored sex scene between Rosenbaum and Reid, which is worth a gander. Why, why, why do the powers-that-be behind horror movies always delete the sex scenes? Do the filmmakers presume that the target audience has no interest in watching fit, attractive actors enthusiastically boning away at each other? Or perhaps in this case they didn't want to offend the delicate moral sensibilities of an audience which later gets subjected to such treats as the killer sticking Rosenbaum's cute little doggie in the microwave (an urban legend I would have been just as happy if they'd left out). I don't get it.

Zoe, Duncan, Jack and Jane (1999):
One of the first sitcoms to come out of the formative years of the WB network, this series, which revolved around four teenagers in New York, was an attempt to recreate the "Friends" formula for a slightly younger demographic. Short-lived as it was, this is the show that put Selma Blair (as the titular Zoe) on the map, launched character actor careers for Rosenbaum (Jack) and Azura Skye (Jane), and... did absolutely nothing at all for David Moscow (Duncan), who has yet to live down his song-and-dance work in the gleeful career-ending monstrosity known as "Newsies." How Christian Bale survived "Newsies" with his dignity intact is still a mystery.

Sweet November (2001):
Someone must like movies like "Sweet November," because they keep getting made. Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron play mismatched lovers who spend a whirlwind month together while Theron wastes away from a fatal yet impossibly glamorous disease. It's "Love Story," only crappier. Or, to be more precise, it's "Sweet November" circa 1968 with Sandy Dennis and Anthony Newley, only crappier.

Reeves plays a successful ad exec (read: asshole) in San Francisco who falls madly in love with Theron's kooky, madcap free spirit and learns to live life to its fullest through cavorting with puppies and small children. No, really - he cavorts with puppies and small children, and whatever your feelings about Reeves, you have to admit that's just cruel to do to an actor. Reeves reaches an epiphany about his high-pressure lifestyle over a business lunch with a ruthless titan of the ad industry (Frank Langella); when Langella berates a waitress until she runs off in tears, Reeves realizes that, hey, he really doesn't want to work for this guy, and walks out of the restaurant a liberated free spirit. Which is several notches less helpful than actually comforting the poor sobbing waitress or defending her against Langella's harangue, but I suppose every epiphany is unique.

On the plus side, "Sweet November" features the first - but not last - of Rosenbaum's screen forays into transvestitism. Rosenbaum and the always-swell Jason Isaacs play spunky cross-dressers who live downstairs from Theron; when Reeves is introduced to them over dinner, he's shocked - shocked! Y'know, San Francisco being such a stodgy, straight-laced city and all. Rosenbaum is oddly compelling in drag: cute, slinky, and flirty, and simply on the basis of how good he is at playing a transvestite, the "Smallville" writers really should find a way to work in a scene where Lex storms around his mansion in heels and a slinky cocktail dress. Really. They could do worse. They have done worse, come to think of it.

Rave Macbeth (2001):
Rumor has it Rosenbaum has been known to ask his fans not to see "Rave Macbeth." If true, the actor doth protest too much: he has more to be embarrassed about on his rèsumé than this bit of piffle. Yes, "Bringing Down the House," I'm looking at you.

Directed by Klaus Knoesel and filmed in Munich, "Rave Macbeth" never saw a theatrical or DVD release in the U.S.; my copy reached these shores by way of Manila, which explains why the anti-piracy announcement at the start is in Tagalog. The film is based upon Shakespeare in roughly the same way "Clueless" is drawn from Jane Austen’s "Emma": surface comparisons exist, but you’d be hard-pressed to cough up a whole term paper on the subject. In the opening sequence, Shakespeare's witches, woefully reinterpreted as a trio of hot club babes, strike coquettish poses and flit about in gauzy dresses while delivering prophetic messages of doom and taxing the patience of the audience. The witches are the film's only major misfire; the rest is more or less entertaining and, at times, actually pretty good.

Rosenbaum gives a strong performance as Marcus, a druggy, venal, dumb-as-rocks club kid who, along with his happy-go-lucky sidekick Troy (Jamie Elman), gets appointed second-in-command to drug-dealing rave boss Dean (Kirk Baltz). After announcing the promotion, Dean gives Marcus and Troy explicit instructions not to get high while working, a prohibition they cheerfully violate in something under a minute. The witches prophesize that Marcus is to be King of the Rave--a coveted position, apparently, though it sounds like it would involve cleaning up a lot of vomit and constantly bailing your drug-addled friends out of jail. Marcus, egged on by his shrewd girlfriend Livia (a gleefully manipulative Nicki Lynn Aycox), sets about the task of murdering Troy, Dean, and Troy's sweetly idiotic girlfriend, Helena (Marguerite Moreau).

A smidgen light on plot, "Rave Macbeth" nails the atmosphere. The mood tilts from exhilarated to paranoid as the drug-fueled escapades of Marcus and Livia spiral out of control. By the blood-soaked (literally--I was left wondering how those gallons of blood got into the club’s sprinkler system in the first place) climax, I felt as though I’d spent a debauched and exhausting though not entirely unsatisfying evening hanging out in places best avoided. Rosenbaum and Aycox generate a strong Sid and Nancy vibe as the drugged-out, murderous lovebirds, and Elman, who sports a fetching mesh shirt and the fiercest eyeliner-and-peroxide combo since Jonny Lee Miller skeezed his way through "Trainspotting," is a real find. There's not much on Elman's filmography outside of a recurring role on the failed television series "American Dreams," which is a shame; here's hoping he finds bucketloads of work, because he's a cutie. He can even crash on my couch while he's looking for a job, provided he brings the mesh shirt.

Poolhall Junkies(2002):
"Poolhall Junkies" is the kind of movie that really ticks off a certain kind of film buff, the ones who are sticklers for continuity and motivation and character development. As is probably abundantly clear from my effusive love of "Street Fighter," I am not that kind of film buff.

Set in the scruffy world of the billiard rooms of Salt Lake City, "Poolhall Junkies" is a guy film at its core, which is submerged beneath a thick layer of schmaltz and hokum: it's less "The Hustler," more "The Outsiders." Fortunately, I have a soft spot for "The Outsiders," so I was perfectly happy. "Poolhall Junkies" was written and directed by Mars Callahan, who also wrote himself right into a meaty starring role, which is a neat trick. Callahan's lack of fuss and bother about the process of filmmaking is somehow charming: when it snows in the middle of a scene after all scenes heretofore have been sunny and mild, a tossed-off expository line about the weather explains it away. Oh, heck, why not? It's a by-the-numbers plot, down to the rousing climactic billiards battle against Callahan's pool-playing nemesis (Rick Schroeder, icy blond and coolly menacing, cut from the same cloth as Dolph Lundgren in "Rocky IV"). A little more attention to detail overall would have been nice, but the film works: it goes from Point A to Point B with a minimum of dithering, and it features a crackerjack cast, including the loony and magnificent Christopher Walken, the late Rod Steiger putting the lid on a long and distinguished career, and, in the Chazz Palmintieri role, Chazz Palmintieri. Rosenbaum plays Callahan's kid brother, and the two share a funky, fun, natural chemistry. The main charm of the movie is watching Rosenbaum and Callahan bop around pool tables with their matching spiky black haircuts and tight jeans and black T-shirts over long-sleeved shirts; if nothing else, I gleaned valuable pool hall fashion tips from this film.

Sorority Boys (2002):
I adore "Sorority Boys." Does that make me a bad person?

During my bleak years as an undergraduate at USC, I lived in an apartment just off of Fraternity Row. There was a large frat house on the corner that I'd pass by on my way to campus every day. In the afternoon on sunny days, the assembled frat boys would sit in lawn chairs on the front lawn, staring at passersby with blank, dead-eyed glares. "Sorority Boys" was shot at that frat house, though the fictionalized frat brothers are much livelier than their real-life counterparts. No blank malevolence here; instead, there's misbehavior on a farcical scale: launching sex toys on makeshift catapults through the windows of nearby sororities, forcibly evicting unattractive girls from their parties, and subjecting their female conquests to a morning-after Walk of Shame insulting and degrading enough to ensure that, in real life, these boys would never, ever, ever find female companionship again.

There's the merest fragmentary, ephemeral, vapor-like wisp of a plot to hold "Sorority Boys" together: Rosenbaum, along with "7th Heaven" cherub Barry Watson and comic Harland Williams, star as a trio of frat boys who, upon getting booted from their house, don dresses and move into the ugly-girl sorority across the street. The fact that they're not even remotely convincing as women is a total irrelevancy; "Sorority Boys" is not concerned with plausibility in any way, which should be immediately obvious by the first look at the purported ugly girls, represented by knockout Melissa Sagemiller and cute-as-a-bug Heather Matarazzo, who, on the basis of her bravura performance as an uber-misfit in "Welcome to the Dollhouse," has become Hollywood's go-to girl for ugly duckling roles. In a more perfect universe, Matarazzo would next be cast as a beautiful princess in a major motion picture, preferably something in which her ugly stepsisters are played by Julia Stiles and Anne Hathaway.

"Sorority Boys" is Rosenbaum's movie, which he easily wrestles away from first-billed Watson with the same aplomb that he used to steal "Smallville" from Tom Welling. This is thanks to his willingness to sacrifice dignity for the greater good of the movie (by contrast, Watson spends the first part of the film trying to preserve his cool - a battle he loses right around the time he has to let a washcloth dangle off his soapy erection during a shower scene). The guilty joy of "Sorority Boys" lies in Rosenbaum's crack comic timing in his mounting frustration over the trappings of college-girl existence: the way heels impede his ability to throw a football, the nonstop misogyny of the frat boys, his growing neuroses about the size of his ass, all culminating in the shattered dignity and smeared mascara of his very own Walk of Shame.

The film was shot during the "Smallville" production cycle, while Rosenbaum was sporting Lex's shaved pate, which means that, even out of drag, he got stuck with a series of wigs awful enough to cause a few giggles on their own. The jokes don't always hit, but there's a high enough success ratio and the energy and momentum is kept high enough to keep things moving briskly for ninety minutes of lowbrow nitwitty fun. It's directed by Wallace Wolodarksy, a former writer for "The Simpsons," and it's got the same haphazard, mildly subversive feel. There are many things to love about "Sorority Boys," not least of which is the moldy, mothball-scented soundtrack: clearly the budget was not blown on song royalties, as there's nothing here fresher than Kool and the Gang and The Cars and The Knack. Fabulous.

Bringing Down the House (2003):
There was once a time when Steve Martin was capable of making a decent movie. I have a distant but clear memory of those days. Lately, it's been nothing but unmemorable dreck (case in point: "Cheaper by the Dozen," remarkable only in that Hilary Duff is merely the eleventh most annoying character), and "Bringing Down the House" continues that trend, Queen Latifah or no Queen Latifah. Rosenbaum flits through the background at sporadic intervals playing a sleazeball lawyer in another crappy wig. And you're really that embarrassed by "Rave Macbeth," Michael?

Cursed (2004):
Granted, "Cursed" doesn't live up to the potential that the reunited "Scream" team of director Wes Craven and screenwriter Kevin Williamson would suggest. Still, considering the delay- and disaster-ridden production, which resulted in significant reshooting and recasting, it's not nearly as bad as the reviews and weak box office would have you think. An urban tale of werewolves in Los Angeles, Cursed stars Christina Ricci and Jesse Eisenberg as siblings who start developing lupine traits after a late-night attack. The production delays necessitated the ousting of former star Skeet Ulrich, who was replaced by Joshua Jackson (nothing against Ulrich, but I'm going to have to consider this a plus: Jackson is always worth watching, and sheesh, the guy's half-lupine already). Mandy Moore was replaced by Mya (a lateral move), while Portia de Rossi and Rosenbaum were brought in late in the game to bulk out the plot a little; I can't fault Craven's logic in this, but it would have been swell if he had actually given either of them something to do. Rosenbaum, in an uncredited cameo, serves exactly the same purpose as he did in "Urban Legend": he's the red herring who gets butchered. While wearing yet another bad wig, no less. Shortly before release, "Cursed" was recut to tone the rating down from an R to a PG-13, a decision which resulted in the excising of much of the violence, which, naturally enough, made the gorehounds irate. For my part, the cuts didn't bother me much: I have nothing against Shannon Elizabeth, and therefore had no burning need to see her torso ripped in two by the werewolf. A tasteful fade to black was just fine with me.