July 16, 2007: Things I Did While Watching Harry Potter

Snorted at the trailer for Get Smart!

Shuddered at the trailer for Fred Claus.

Wondered if Uncle Vernon, in tribute to Richard Griffith’s characters in Withnail & I and The History Boys, would give Harry’s balls a quick grope.

Started counting the number of shots of Harry tossing and turning in his sleep whilst dreaming about Voldemort. Gave up when I hit double-digits. Wondered if anyone bothered to tell director David Yates that watching people sleep does not make for gripping cinema.

Wished Emma Watson would knock it off with the “class president starring in the school play” line deliveries.

Wondered why anyone would cast Dame Maggie Smith and give her only a few seconds of screen time.

Listened to the audience snicker at Luna Lovegood’s name. Realized the audience and I were thinking the same thing. Realized I have the maturity of a twelve-year-old.

Realized that one kid who’s been hanging around Hogwarts for the past four movies without anything to do is named Seamus. Realized Seamus is a bit of a butthead.

Wished I had a cool name like Seamus.

Thought Imelda Staunton was a bit hammy as Dolores Umbrage. Felt guilty for even thinking such a thing.

Wondered why anyone would cast Emma Thompson and give her only a few seconds of screen time.

Tried to think of other movies Imelda Staunton and Emma Thompson have made together. Came up with Peter’s Friends, Nanny McPhee, and Much Ado About Nothing.

Wished I were watching Much Ado About Nothing instead.

Thought about how terrific Michael Gambon was in Amazing Grace.

Wished I were watching Amazing Grace instead.

Reveled in the awesomeness of Alan Rickman and Jason Isaacs. Wished someone would make a sitcom where Snape and Lucius Malfoy wander about the English countryside together, sneering at everything and terrorizing the locals.

Felt we’ve had quite enough of Hagrid already, thank you.

Wished for a cool Scotch brogue like Katie Leung’s.

Thought the extended training montage would have improved had it been scored to “Eye of the Tiger” or “You’re The Best (Around)”.

Got tired of the training montage. Wandered out to the lobby. Hit the ladies’ room. Looked at the concession stand. Looked at the theater next door, which was showing Transformers. Regretted my decision not to see Transformers instead. Slumped back into the theater. Realized the training montage was still going on.

Cringed at the dizzyingly awful sweaters the kids donned to go fight Voldemort. Approved of Harry’s decision to wear a sensible gray hoodie instead of an awful striped sweater.

Wondered why anyone would cast Helena Bonham Carter and then give her only a few seconds of screen time.

Thought about that season on Miami Vice where Helena Bonham Carter played Sonny’s smack-addict fiancée.

Wished I were watching Miami Vice instead.

Wondered if I’m getting too old for this crap.

Thought about how much better Ralph Fiennes looks with a nose.

Hoped Voldemort would get a nose in future installations.

Thought about how Daniel Radcliffe has turned out kinda hot.

Thought about how the Weasley twins have turned out kinda hot.

Thought about how Neville Longbottom has turned out kinda hot.

Felt particularly creepy about that last thought.

Thought about how Gary Oldman has really mellowed lately.

Decided Lost In Space is the worst movie Gary Oldman has ever made.

Decided Dracula isn’t any great shakes, either.

Wondered why anyone would cast David Thewlis and only give him a few seconds of screen time.

Thought about that movie where David Thewlis gets a good rodgering from Leonardo DiCaprio.

Stuck around for the end credits. Decided I’d give the movie an extra point if it had a cool end credits sequence. Did not give the movie an extra point.

Eavesdropped on the two guys in front of me exiting the theater: “Did you like it?” (Long pause) “Yeah. Did you?” (Long pause) “I guess.”

Agreed with them wholeheartedly.


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