Things I Did While Watching Wanted

Wondered if the world really needs another Punisher movie.

Wondered if the world really needs another Mummy movie.

Decided not even my secret guilty love of Talladega Nights can get me to see Stepbrothers.

Got my hopes way up from the cool opening sequence.

Decided Wanted could really do without James McAvoy’s inane voiceover.

Thought about plugging my ears and humming softly to drown out the voiceover.

Wondered if any voiceover in the history of voiceovers has ever improved a movie.

Wondered if the red stapler was an homage to Office Space.

Decided Wanted is no Office Space.

Wondered if the filmmakers really thought Googling the name Wesley Gibson would produce zero results. Wondered if the filmmakers had ever actually used Google. Decided I was being too grumpy and pedantic. Decided I should just relax and grant them a little artistic license.

Decided Angelina Jolie deserves every penny she makes.

Thought about how Angelina Jolie has come a long way since Hackers.

Hoped Morgan Freeman would bring class and dignity to the proceedings.

Discovered Morgan Freeman did not bring class and dignity to the proceedings.

Took umbrage at the suggestion that an assassin is more noble of a profession than an account supervisor.

Winced at McAvoy’s verbal smackdown of his mean boss.

Thought about how, instead of whacking his smarmy best friend upside the head with an ergonomic keyboard and shattering his teeth, McAvoy could have simply stopped being his friend.

Thought about how, instead of making out with Jolie to make his one-note shrew of a girlfriend jealous, McAvoy could have simply broken up with her.

Suspected the script was written by fourteen-year-old boys.

Wondered if I’d like McAvoy’s character more if he used his delightful real accent.

Wondered why they made McAvoy’s character such an unlikable dickwad.

Hoped McAvoy would get less annoying after the training sequence.

Gave up hope of the training sequence ever ending.

Felt guilty about enjoying seeing Jolie beat the stuffing out of McAvoy.

Thought the film placed far too much faith in the restorative powers of paraffin baths.

Wished they’d give Common more screen time.

Wished the film starred Common instead of McAvoy.

Felt a vein in my temple throb ominously at the part about how the Loom of Fate magically produces the names of assassination targets.

Wondered which was goofier: the Loom of Fate, or the secret magic bullet-bendy powers.

Gave the edge to the Loom of Fate.

Was chagrined at how long it took McAvoy to work out how being an assassin might be considered kind of morally wrong.

Theorized that McAvoy is stealing Ioan Gruffudd’s career.

Remembered I liked McAvoy just fine in Atonement.

Remembered I liked McAvoy just fine in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

Remembered I was pretty neutral on McAvoy in Starter for 10.

Decided Dominic Cooper was the best thing about Starter for 10.

Thought about how awesome Dominic Cooper was in The History Boys.

Mulled over whether the presence of Dominic Cooper was enough incentive to see Mamma Mia!

Figured it probably wasn’t.

Decided James McAvoy, while erratic, is far superior to Shia LaBoeuf.

Puzzled at the mystery of Shia LaBoeuf’s skyrocketing career.

Was delighted to discover Terence Stamp is in the movie.

Tried to decide who was cooler: Terence Stamp or Morgan Freeman. Gave the edge to Stamp, if only for Superman II.

Wondered if they really needed to kill that trainload of innocent bystanders.

Cringed at the realization the climax would hinge upon a garbage truck full of rats wired with teeny tiny bombs.

Wondered if I’m getting too bitter and jaded to enjoy movies about secret magic bendy-bullet powers, exploding rats, and Looms of Fate.

Thought Jolie discovered a pretty good use for secret magic bendy-bullet powers for her final act.

Wished director Timur Bekmamdetov’s Hollywood debut had been as flat-out cool as Night Watch and Day Watch.

Wished Bekmamdetov had finished up Twilight Watch instead of bothering with Wanted.

Thought it ended pretty decently, all things considered.

Thought I'd probably see the sequel, if they ever make one.


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