Fun With Keywords (American Independence Edition)

Happy Independence Day, everyone. It’s been a little quiet around these parts lately. Not much has been going on, apart from the usual smattering of personal and professional disappointments; here’s hoping July brings good news and new inspiration.

Here’s a look at the search terms people used to find this site in June: 'can patrick manipulate the keywords'
Yes, Patrick, you can manipulate the keywords. You have manipulated them enough times to snag the #4 spot in my search results. Kudos.

skulky the turtle wonder will never turn into a bug
skulky the turtle wonder totally awesome

Speaking of manipulating the keywords… I’m assuming my dear friend Boy-Morgan has been too busy with his newborn son (congratulations, Boy-Morgan!) to bother mucking about with my site stats, so I’m going to go ahead and blame these two searches on Dan.

ali larter shirtless
parker stevenson shirtless
bruce boxleitner shirtless
tony dow shirtless

This lends more credence to my theory that, sooner or later, every single celebrity ever mentioned anywhere on this site will crop up in my keywords followed by the word “shirtless.”

"all right that's enough we're not americans"
That’s a line from the pilot episode of Ultimate Force. After Sendhil Ramamurthy’s character’s brother is killed in action, our stalwart band of Special Forces soldiers raise a glass in his honor. Embarrassed by such a gratuitous display of mushy, gushy, treacly, sappy, American emotion, they never mention him again.

"cheer up trendy"
In a Vogue interview a couple years ago, Isla Fisher persuaded the interviewer that “Cheer up, trendy!” was a popular Australianism. I tried to confirm this with a native Aussie, who assured me that no one in the long and storied history of Australia, apart from Isla Fisher, has ever used the phrase “Cheer up, trendy!” Indeed, a quick Google search shows that most uses of this phrase may be attributed to, uh, this site. I’ve been trying to work it into casual conversation, but it’s not catching on. Sorry, Isla.

"he's kind of cute" women language
Life is a lot easier if you don’t fret too much about this sort of thing. Take it at face value. She thinks you’re kind of cute. Pat yourself on the back.

bryce lynch
Bryce Lynch is the awesome teen computer whiz in Max Headroom. Bryce was played by Chris Young in the US version and Paul Spurrier in the original UK version. It is no easy task to create a non-irksome teen genius character, but both versions of Bryce show that it can be done.

coffee should not be boiled hornblower
hornblower flog styles

For the record, Hornblower did not have Styles flogged just because he boiled the coffee, though I’m sure that was a significant contributing factor. As well it should be.

guy is trained to be like twin to kill him movie
Ohhh, I have no idea, but this sounds like an awesome film.

heroes volume 4 why dont they bring nathan back to life
This is an excellent question. Jack Coleman attempts to explain it away in his blog by claiming that, unlike when Mohinder brought HRG back to life in Volume Two, they were unprepared at the time to use Claire’s blood to resurrect Nathan. I don’t see why this should be the case: after all, both Claire and Nurse Peter were conveniently on the premises when Sylar murdered Nathan, so it should have been a simple matter to set up a life-restoring transfusion. In any case, it would have been less preposterous than having Matt use his mental powers to fool Sylar into assuming Nathan’s identity.

heroes volume 5 tracy predictions
Based upon past history, I predict that, thanks to a combination of nonsensical characterization and botched plot ideas, Tracy’s character will be written into such a hole by the end of Volume 5 that they’ll end up killing her off and having Ali Larter return in Volume 6 as a completely different character (Barbara? Jessica? Nikki 2.0?).

jaclyn smith hardy boys episode
Oh, sure, that’d be “The Mystery of the Hollywood Phantom”, in which Frank accidentally wanders onto the Charlie’s Angels set and gets randomly snogged by Jaclyn. Good stuff.

jonny lee miller sing
He does. Surprisingly well, actually. It’s hard to find, but I recommend tracking down the Love, Honour & Obey soundtrack, in which Jonny sings a smooth, swanky version of “Avenues & Alleyways”, while Jude Law chirps his way through “Rock On”, Ray Winstone does his best with “The Harder they Come”, and Sadie Frost flexes her pipes on “When You are a King.” The film itself is crap, but there’s much to be said for the soundtrack.

justine waddell wasted career
I wouldn’t go so far as to say “wasted,” exactly, but it’s a shame this beautiful and talented actress has to spin her wheels in projects like Dracula 2000.

michael rosenbaum "in real life"
michael rosenbaum sexy
michael rosenbaum annoying

I know absolutely nothing about Rosenbaum in real life. Rumor has it he’s sexy and annoying.

sexy ioan gruffudd celtic man

mohinder pretty

nikki yusef
Wow. Is someone out there searching for information on Death, Deceit & Destiny Aboard the Orient Express? If so, you might be my new best friend. Nikki and Yussef are the names of the identical twins--one good, one evil--played by Sendhil Ramamurthy in this brilliantly idiotic Bulgarian-made straight-to-DVD production. I could have watched a whole film--nay, a whole spinoff TV series--devoted to the nitwitty exploits of sweet, slutty Nikki, crown prince of a vast and powerful Middle East empire, and his twin Yussef, the conniving and power-hungry Minister of Finance. Seriously, Sendhil, if you get tired of being pretty wallpaper on Heroes, call me--we’ll see if we can make this happen.

www.ali larter gets knocked out and tied to a chair
You’re in luck. The URL “” appears to be available. Grab it, now!


Morgan Dodge said…
I'm so relieved that someone is maintaining the legend of Skulky the Turtle Wonder in my busy state. I haven't had time to fuss with anyone's search results lately, let alone to promote the wonder of turtle kind. It just makes me feel a spot cheer up trendy about the whole thing. I know, in a pinch, Dan's got my back.
Morgan Richter said…
When you Google "Skulky the Turtle Wonder", the results are a little... bizarre. Frankly, I blame Dan. The legend grows.
Dan said…
Oh, I dunno. The only reason I ever search for 'skulky the turtle wonder' is to get updates on Hot News Anchor Women.

I see the two as inextricably linked.

Wasn't Skulky originally cast as the lead role in Anchorman before Will Ferrell pushed him heartlessly aside?

Oh, and a Merry Independence Day to you and yours, Americanos. Congrats on casting aside the British yoke. We'd do the same, but it's far more fun to keep thrashing them at cricket.
Morgan Richter said…
Personally, I only search for "skulky the turtle wonder" when I'm looking for Barack Obama News.

(Just Google it, people. You'll see what Dan and I are yammering on about.)

Tangentially related: Right now, as I type this, I'm rewatching Death, Deceit & Destiny Aboard the Orient Express (it gets even better upon repeat viewing. Ingrid is in for a treat when she comes out to visit me later this week!). The terrorists have just locked poor pretty Sendhil in a tiny train lavatory as a prelude to tossing him out the window, and he's throwing a rather spectacular hissyfit. I suspect Sendhil was under strict orders not to damage any part of the set during filming, because instead of doing anything remotely destructive/useful like breaking the window or finding something to use as a weapon, he picks up the hand towels and hurls them around in a vigorous manner. I sort of love this movie. It's all in the details.
Morgan Dodge said…
I'm baffled about the number search results for "Skulky the Turtle Wonder." And how many of them have nothing to do with the Turtle Wonder himself. Foul things are afoot on the interwebs. That's for certain.

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