After the overheated, tawdry shenanigans of the last episode,
let’s cool things down with this brisk and breezy offering from the first
season. In this episode, which was directed by Richard Donner, the man behind The Goonies and Ladyhawke and the entire Lethal
Weapon series, everything’s on a smaller scale: The fate of the world isn’t
at stake, no one dies, THRUSH isn’t mentioned, and nobody gets tied up and worked
over with a cattle prod. No, not even Illya.
In the tiny fake country of Terbuf on the Balkan Coast, a
man named Emil (Jacques Abuchon) flees for his life from the sinister Lieutenant
Fest (Michael Forest ). A lovely young woman named Clara
(Madlyn Rhue) stashes Emil in a haystack, then promises to help smuggle him out
of the country.
(Sidebar: In keeping with the standards of the time, the
word “gypsy” is used throughout this episode to describe Emil and his kinsmen,
who are nomadic Eastern Europeans. It’s not meant as a pejorative—Emil and his comrades
are consistently depicted as courageous and heroic—but because it’s now 2015,
not 1964, and there’s more awareness of the long history of malicious usage of
the word, I’m going to use “Roma” throughout instead.)
In Rome ,
confirmed bachelors Napoleon and Illya take a vacation together. This is only
the fourteenth episode of the series; five episodes after this, in “The Secret
Scepter Affair”, they’ll go on vacation together again. They’re hanging out at the Colosseum, searching for the
perfect veal parmigiana while engaging in their usual sparkling banter, when
they suddenly find themselves surrounded by a menacing band of Roma. Illya, who
knows everything about everybody at all times, immediately pinpoints their exact
tribe: They’re Raslian, from the Albanian border, identifiable by their unique signet
rings, which are emblazoned with the two-headed eagle of Shqiperia.
The Man From
U.N.C.L.E. closed captions, which frequently misspell “yacht” as “yatch”
and, as I’ve noted before, often decide that Napoleon’s last name should be
“Zorro”, somehow manage to nail “Shqiperia”.
Just as the Roma are closing in, Clara pops up out of
nowhere and ushers Napoleon and Illya into a nearby shop. Clara, it seems, is
one of Napoleon’s ex-girlfriends. Of course she is. What with the vast numbers
of women we’ve seen Napoleon date, it only makes sense that he’s going to occasionally
stumble across an ex or two. Clara explains her situation: She and her new
husband Stefan own a sheep farm in Terbuf. The economy of Terbuf is largely
dependent upon foreign aid, which is mostly going into the coffers of the head
of the secret police, Colonel Morisco. Local Roma leader Emil found papers
proving Morisco’s corruption, but he’s been unable to get them out of the
country and into the hands of the proper authorities. With the aid of the Roma,
Clara’s been trying to contact Napoleon to ask for his help smuggling Emil and
the papers to safety.
While Clara and Napoleon bat their lashes and moon over each
other, Illya stands in the background, forgotten by both, frowning to himself
while shooting them some pretty formidable stink-eye. Roughly 80% of my
screengrabs from this episode are just shots of Illya hovering behind Clara and
Napoleon with his brow creased adorably in mounting vexation. This is the look of a man who knows his carefree Roman holiday just got ruined:
This is the look of a man who knows he’s going to spend the next few days bailing his love-besotted partner out of hopeless peril:
You want more? I’ve got dozens of ‘em.
Back at their luxurious home in Terbuf, Clara squabbles with
her husband, Stefan (Kurt Kreuger), who doesn’t want her to get mixed up in
Emil’s troubles. Stefan wears a double-breasted blazer and a natty ascot, so we
automatically know he’s a tosser. A double-breasted blazer paired with an ascot
is tried-and-true television shorthand for “wealthy and oblivious pompous ass”.
See also: Howell, Thurston III.
Upon hearing that Clara has contacted Napoleon, Stefan scampers
off to tattle to Colonel Morisco (played by Alan Caillou, the writer of this
episode, who, fun fact, is also a former British spy). Stefan offers to gain
Napoleon’s trust, then hand Emil and his documents over to Morisco. Morisco has
a better idea: He throws Stefan in jail and arranges to have his sleazeball
aide, the oily and lecherous Major Vicek (Albert Paulsen), take his place at
Clara’s side.
Coerced into cooperating with this scheme, Clara picks Napoleon
up at the train station and introduces Vicek as Stefan to Napoleon. Napoleon
heads off to search for Emil. Left alone with his ersatz spouse, Major Vicek
criticizes Clara’s lukewarm commitment to their charade: “I need a much better
performance from you, my dear wife.” It’s a bad situation for Clara, obviously,
and Vicek’s a slithery louse, but I’m inclined to agree with him: Clara is a
dud. Later on in the series, Madlyn Rhue will turn in a spirited performance as
an Eva Peron-esque ruler in “The Fiery Angel Affair”, but here, she’s dour and
listless, which makes Napoleon’s lovesick infatuation with her a little bewildering.
On the plus side, Clara’s relative mediocrity does have the effect of making Illya’s wordless
“we’re putting ourselves in this much danger for her?” expressions even more wonderful.
While wandering around town, Napoleon discovers he’s being
tailed by Lieutenant Fest. Napoleon knocks him unconscious and strips him of
his pants, which he then weighs down with rocks and sinks in the harbor. I
suppose that’s one way to get someone to stop following you. (Undaunted, Fest
rallies by ordering one of his subordinates to give him his pants.)
At the harbor, Napoleon meets up with Illya, who arrives in
Terbuf by boat in the guise of a Bulgarian fisherman. A tiny, adorable,
turtleneck-clad Bulgarian fisherman. If this show’s vast and varied licensed merchandise
didn’t include an official Bulgarian Fisherman Illya Poseable Action Figure,
complete with jaunty cap and removable wool coat, someone in the marketing
department dropped the ball. Illya, who seems to share my opinion of Clara’s dubious
merits, grills his partner: “There’s a look on your face that wasn’t there
before. What has she been saying to you?” Napoleon starts to whine that he
doesn’t like Clara’s husband very much, but Illya, brusque and unsentimental as
always, firmly steers his attention back to the mission at hand. Because the
Roma are notoriously suspicious of strangers, Illya agrees to head over to Café Flora,
a known Roma hangout, and lay some groundwork for Napoleon. “It’s a handicap,
isn’t it, being so obviously American?” Illya wryly observes.
Illya, who is going full-tilt Slavic on this assignment, sails
into Café Flora and dramatically proclaims to a skeptical crowd that he’s one
of their brethren. He proves his bona fides by chugging slivovitz straight from
the bottle, showing off his fancy eagle-of-Shqiperia charm bracelet (bought
expressly for this purpose at a marketplace in Rome), and reciting an
impressive passel of lies about his own distinguished Roma lineage. He
announces that his American friend Napoleon will arrive at the café shortly in
search of Emil, then swans out in triumph to cheers of approval from his
newfound comrades.
As soon as he’s out the door, everyone in the café agrees
that he’s an enemy spy.
Outside the café, Illya is waylaid by members of Morisco’s
secret police, who demand to see his papers, then steal his knife and cigarette
case. Illya calmly and politely asks for his possessions back—after all, the
case is actually his vital U.N.C.L.E. communicator—then beats the ever-loving
crap out of them when they fail to comply. Illya is firing on all cylinders
this episode.
Napoleon pops up at Café Flora, expecting a friendly
reception after Illya’s visit. Instead, the café’s owner, Kranik (George
Margo), knocks him out and dumps him in a locked cellar.
Illya blithely blasts his way into the cellar via explosives
hidden inside his adorable cap. Illya’s never-ending supply of hidden
explosives is one of this show’s small joys. Money clips! Tie tacks! Back molars!
Anywhere explosives can be stashed on the human body, Illya has stashed them. When
Kranik and Emil return to the cellar to check on Napoleon, they find the barred
window blasted open and Illya and Napoleon hanging out on the stairs, swilling
slivovitz and devouring all their food. These two are horrible houseguests, but
they’re cute enough and charming enough to make up for it.
A tremendous amount of drinking goes on in this episode.
Anyway, Napoleon and Illya manage to convince Kranik and
Emil of their good intentions. In the morning, they’re going to try to smuggle
Emil and his valuable papers out of the country via a fishing boat to Italy . Because
the café is under surveillance by the secret police, Napoleon wants Emil to
hide at Clara’s house before catching the boat. Kranik heads out and delivers a
message for Clara to expect Emil’s arrival at nightfall.
A half-Roma member of the secret police slips down into the
cellar to warn Emil that Stefan is being held in the jail. Alarmed, Napoleon
orders Illya to rescue Stefan, then scurries off to protect Clara. Emil is disgusted
by Napoleon’s single-minded infatuation with her. “We’ll allow my friend the luxury
of an occasional weakness,” Illya tells him wearily.
With the aid of his new Roma buddies, Illya breaks Stefan
out of jail. All goes smoothly, except Stefan promptly gives Illya the slip and
runs off into the night. When Napoleon returns to Clara’s house, he finds Vicek-as-Stefan
there, which leads him to finally—finally!—suspect he’s been dealing with an
imposter. Napoleon’s not always the swiftest spy on U.N.C.L.E.’s payroll, but
give him time. Eventually, he’ll reach the right conclusion. Usually.
Sometimes.
Napoleon sneaks into Clara’s bedroom to confront her about
the deception. The real Stefan returns to the house, only to be shot by Vicek,
who then arrests Clara and Napoleon for treason.
At daybreak, the fishing boat is ready to take Emil and his
valuable papers to Italy .
Illya refuses to leave the country without his partner, and Emil refuses to
leave without Illya, so they charge off to search for Napoleon. They ambush
Major Vicek, who tells them that Napoleon and Clara are scheduled to be
executed by firing squad.
Sure enough, Napoleon and Clara are bound to posts in the
prison yard, while Lieutenant Fest prepares to give the order to shoot. Clara
gives Napoleon one final look, filled with unspoken love and longing. “Napoleon,
I’m sorry,” she says. “You’re not half as sorry as I am,” he replies, because
Napoleon is sometimes an asshole.
Shots ring out! Clara collapses to the ground, sobbing
hysterically. Napoleon blinks in confusion, stunned to find himself still
alive. That’s because Lieutenant Fest, the merry prankster, had loaded all the
guns with blanks, just to scare the bejeebus out of his prisoners.
Is now a good time to point out that evil Lieutenant Fest is
smoking hot? I feel like that’s information everybody really should know.
Anyway, before Fest can get around to shooting Clara and
Napoleon for real, Illya comes roaring into the prison, dressed in Major Vicek’s
uniform, which is roughly eighty sizes too large for him. He doesn’t exactly
inspire shock and awe, but Lieutenant Fest accepts him as a heretofore unseen
superior and readily hands his prisoners over to him.
Illya whisks Clara and Napoleon, who are now handcuffed
together, into his stolen jeep. They speed away from the jail. The secret
police catch on to the ruse and chase after them; Illya drops down on their
pursuers from a tree, knocks them out, and steals their pants, which he proudly
displays to Napoleon.
There’s a delightful motif of unnecessary pants-stealing
that runs throughout this episode.
They all safely make it to their boat in the harbor, where
Stefan, wounded but alive, is already on board. Napoleon, Illya, Emil, and Clara
pile in and set sail for Italy .
Napoleon, still handcuffed to Clara, watches in sadness as Clara fusses over
her injured husband. Illya observes his partner with self-satisfied amusement, tinged maybe
with the faintest hint of sympathy. Mostly just self-satisfied amusement,
though.
He assures Napoleon they’ll be able to break the chain when
they reach Italy .
“There’s no rush,” Napoleon tells him glumly. “It’s really not holding anything
together.”
Comments
As soon as he’s out the door, everyone in the café agrees that he’s an enemy spy.
I completely lost it. This is too perfect and hilarious! I love whoever wrote this episode.
(Also, did you say Albert Paulsen? Oooh! Combat! guest star!)
Also, I love Illya's never-ending supply of hidden explosives. Reminds me of Hardy Boy Pockets, which are so magically voluminous and well-stocked.
And what IS with all the pants-stealing?
Your review is an absolute treat.
"Napoleon knocks him (Lt. Fest) unconscious and strips him of his pants." The actor who played Lt. Fest (who looked pretty striking when he appeared on screen, as he poked the haystack with the pitchfork. It was noted from your review that, from a woman's perspective, you decreed him to be "smoking hot"; very nice. Michael Forest's IMBDb page claims he was born in 1929, and is still among the living) is 6'3"; Robert Vaughn was half a foot shorter.
Naturally, disbelief must be suspended in spy fantasies as this, and it's par for the course how often Napoleon Solo can knock opponents out with a single karate chop. (Repeat: one... single... karate chop.) Yet when all it took was one blow to fell the mighty oak tree that was Lt. Felt, perhaps credulity was stretched to a degree Stretch Armstrong may have envied.
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