In the fictional South American country of Chacua, a
blond-haired, blue-eyed vagabond in tattered clothes strolls barefoot through
the streets, strumming a guitar and singing a rousing rendition of that traditional
Latin American ditty, “Hava Nagila.” Why, it’s U.N.C.L.E.’s very own Man of a
Thousand Faces, Illya Kuryakin! ‘Sup, Illya? What tomfoolery are you getting
yourself into this time? Illya approaches a man in a suit and, trotting out his
finest we-don’t-need-no-stinking-badges accent, asks for a handout. When the
man tries to shoo him away, Illya whacks him over the head with his guitar.
Uniformed authorities swoop in, club Illya into submission, and haul him off. Left
alone, the suited man whips out an U.N.C.L.E. communicator and contacts Mr.
Waverly to let him know the plan is proceeding according to schedule.
Next thing you know, Illya’s been sentenced to seven years
of hard labor at the friendly local penal colony, which is secretly operated by
the dreaded terrorist organization THRUSH. In a heavily-defended fortress
beneath the colony, THRUSH has been safeguarding their latest fiendish device:
the Ultimate Computer, which contains all the knowledge stored in all the books
in all the world’s greatest libraries. So, THRUSH has just invented Project Gutenberg a few years ahead of schedule, pretty much. Illya’s mission: infiltrate
the penal colony and steal the computer to enable U.N.C.L.E.’s top minds to
replicate this amazing technological achievement, so all of humanity may benefit
from its near-unlimited stores of information.
Ha ha, just kidding. That’s not the way U.N.C.L.E. works. This
is Illya’s actual mission: infiltrate the penal colony, plant a ton of
explosives, and blow the Ultimate Computer into smithereens. Take that, groundbreaking
world-improving technology!
New prisoner Illya is brought before the penal colony’s
commandant, Captain Cervantes (Roger C. Carmel), who greets him in a genial
manner and fills him in on the local amenities (“Breakfast, of course, is
continental style…”), ending with a cheerful offer to sever the tendons behind his
knees if he ever tries to escape.
As soon as Illya is dragged off by the guards, Cervantes,
who is smarter than the average THRUSH goon, calls his boss, corrupt Governor
Callahan (Charles Ruggles), to tell him there’s something familiar about the
new inmate: “If memory serves, the prisoner, one Illya Kuryakin by name, is an
U.N.C.L.E. agent.”
I have two thoughts:
1. If all of your enemies, even ones you’ve never met
before, can identify you on sight, aren’t you effectively worthless and,
indeed, a dangerous liability as an undercover operative?
2. Did Illya really go undercover as a vagabond guitarist from
South America named Illya Kuryakin? Lazy, Illya. Very lazy.
Doddering old Governor Callahan, by the way, takes
Cervantes’s call while sitting in his mansion playing a friendly round of strip
poker with his two sexy nurses, Flora and Dora. Everyone who works for THRUSH
is evil and pervy, sure, but they do
seem to have a refreshing zeal for life.
Back in New York ,
Napoleon takes a quick break from pressing matters (i.e. canoodling with a comely
brunette agent) to discuss the mission with Mr. Waverly. While Illya is busy
sneaking into the fortress beneath the prison to destroy the computer, Napoleon
will clear his path by knocking out the generators that supply power to the
complex alarm system. To gain access to the generators, he’ll need the help of
an innocent civilian, the splendidly-named Miss Salty Oliver (played by Judy
Carne, Laugh-In’s “sock it to me”
girl), who, as an advocate for the International Society for the Improvement of
World Penal Conditions, will be able to help Napoleon enter the penal colony
unchallenged.
Napoleon sets about intimidating mousy, high-strung Salty
into helping him. After being lured under false pretenses into the tailor shop that
serves as U.N.C.L.E.’s outer façade (a waiter deliberately tramples on the hem
of her dress, necessitating emergency repairs), Salty steps into the changing
room and removes her clothes. The secret door leading into U.N.C.L.E. headquarters
flips open, and an underwear-clad Salty is greeted by the sight of Napoleon and
the receptionist smirking at her.
Oh, that’s real nice, Napoleon. You too, unnamed
receptionist lady. Were you both raised in barns?
After this introduction, Salty is (understandably) not
feeling especially kindly toward U.N.C.L.E., so Napoleon lays on an extra-thick
layer of glib charm and talks her into playing along with his scheme. Donning a
cap and a ridiculous mustache, Napoleon poses as Salty’s foppish new husband, who
is honeymooning with his bride in Chacua while she inspects conditions at the
penal colony. Because Chacua is apparently short on hotels, they’re staying at
Governor Callahan’s mansion.
While visiting the prison, Salty smuggles a bundle of explosives
to Illya, who seems perfectly at home in his new surroundings, shoveling
ditches with his fellow inmates under the hot sun and showing off his nice biceps
while happily whistling “Hava Nagila” to himself.
Since Illya’s glorious mane of hair remains hidden under a straw
hat most of the time, this episode is pretty much all about biceps.
Captain Cervantes, meanwhile, has a tête-à-tête with Salty,
at which he tells her he’s well aware both Illya and Napoleon are U.N.C.L.E.
agents. After confessing his strong romantic feelings for Salty, he promises to
spare both men, provided she agrees to run away with him.
Napoleon paddles a rubber raft around a lake on the prison
grounds, searching for the generators. He’s surprised by armed THRUSH guards,
who overpower him and drag him off to see Captain Cervantes. I am delighted to
report that he loses his dumb fake mustache in the melee.
So the next thing you know, Napoleon finds himself chained
up in Cervantes’s office in an elaborate and vaguely fetishistic manner. Same
old, same old. Cervantes releases him, returns his gun, and offers his
assistance: He’ll drug the guards’ coffee so Illya can sneak past them and
destroy the computer, and he’ll also help Napoleon sabotage the generators.
Though deeply suspicious of Cervantes’s intentions, Napoleon
agrees to this new partnership. True to his word, Cervantes helps him disable
the generators, then further proves his allegiance to Napoleon by luring his THRUSH
cohorts into a deadly ambush. Napoleon is mildly appalled at the sight of
Cervantes cheerfully deceiving and slaughtering his former comrades, but
Cervantes shrugs it off: “How do you think I got to be captain?”
Illya sneaks past the drugged guards and makes his way into
THRUSH’s underground fortress. He demonstrates his usual level of competence,
i.e. he walks directly into an electrified field, narrowly avoiding a fiery
death only when his cigarillo bursts into flames before his face does. He
locates the Ultimate Computer, rigs it with explosives, and blows it into bits.
His end of the mission successfully completed, Illya uses
his communicator to contact Napoleon: “I’m sunburned, blistered, grimy, and
very, very hungry.” Napoleon orders Illya to head home while he retrieves Salty
from the governor’s mansion: “I’m glad I don’t have to take you out in public
anywhere. Now get that disreputable-looking body out of here as fast as you
can.” It’s flirtatious. They’re flirting. Any way you approach it, this is flirting.
It’s also one of the most delightful and unexpected aspects of the show: Napoleon
and Illya are two predominantly heterosexual men who, very plainly and
obviously, flirt with each other all the time.
Back at the governor’s mansion, preparations are underway for
a fancy dinner party in honor of THRUSH’s top muckety-mucks. Napoleon’s glamorous
influence has worn off on drab little Salty, and she blossoms forth sans glasses, wearing a nice dress and
an elaborate upswept hairdo. Alas for poor Salty, Governor Callahan knows all
about U.N.C.L.E.’s plans: Anticipating Illya’s actions, he arranged for him to
blow up a fake computer, while the real Ultimate Computer will be handed over
to THRUSH officials at the party.
Napoleon and Cervantes arrive at the mansion, searching for
Salty. Cervantes double-crosses his new partner and reveals he’s been faithful
to THRUSH all along. This surprises no one, least of all Napoleon. After tying
up Napoleon and Salty, Governor Callahan gloats that he’ll kill them after his
big dinner party.
Facing imminent death, Napoleon and Salty try to make out,
because why the hell not? They can’t quite get it to work, since they’re tied back
to back, but they give it a game effort anyway.
Illya, meanwhile, disobeys Napoleon’s order to leave without
him and hijacks a THRUSH jeep. While the dinner party is in full swing, Illya,
still scruffy and disreputable from his time in the penal colony, saunters into
the mansion in a stolen THRUSH uniform and rescues Napoleon and Salty. Napoleon
bawls him out for: a) returning to save him, and b) blowing up the wrong computer—the
real Ultimate Computer is in the
dining room, surrounded by all the high-level THRUSH members. Illya: “Oh.
That’s what it was. How awkward.”
So Napoleon and Illya cobble together a hasty plan to
destroy the real computer. They send Salty into the THRUSH-occupied dining room, pushing
a dessert cart with one of Illya’s spare bombs tucked inside a cake. Nothing to
see here, just an untrained civilian keeping a gaggle of hardened terrorists at
bay by waving around an armed explosive device. Move along.
While Salty carries out the most precarious and dangerous
part of the plan, Napoleon and Illya swap clothes with each other, for some
weird and unnecessary reason. Napoleon puts on Illya’s THRUSH jumpsuit and,
while Illya leaps out the window and runs for his life, yells for the guards to
chase after him. Illya jumps in his stolen jeep and leads all the guards away
from the mansion. Napoleon blows a kiss after them.
Napoleon joins Salty in the dining room. He places the bomb
on the computer and advises the THRUSH leaders to leave while they can: “If
THRUSH gives an award, and you don’t mind the possibility of a posthumous one,
then I would suggest you come and get it.”
Everyone flees, except for Governor Callahan, who, abandoned
by Flora and Dora, remains in the dining room and waits for the bomb to
explode. When Cervantes tries to make a break for it, Callahan hooks his leg
with his cane. The bomb goes off, obliterating Callahan and Cervantes along
with the Ultimate Computer.
On the road leading away from the mansion, Napoleon and
Salty reunite with an exhausted and grumpy Illya, who is doing emergency
repairs to the jeep’s engine. Ignoring Illya’s complaints, Salty and Napoleon
hop in the backseat and commence canoodling and whispering sweet nothings to
each other, leaving Illya to handle the repairs on his own. Bad move, Napoleon.
Such a bad move. Illya, who becomes
vicious and lethal when he’s crossed, promptly executes a cold, devastating,
perfectly-aimed cockblock: He turns to Salty and says, in his most withering
tone, “Oh, not you. I thought you would be more special than the rest of them.”
Ouch. This is hands-down
the meanest thing Illya has ever done, and ever will do, in the entire series.
Because jaw-dropping cruelty can sometimes be funny, it’s also hilarious. While Napoleon, sputtering
and stammering, tries in vain to reassure an apoplectic Salty that she’s not
just one in a string of meaningless flings, Illya gets the jeep started at last.
They drive away from the mansion, with Salty seething and Napoleon dumbfounded
and Illya in a strangely improved mood.
Comments
So much of this one made me laugh out loud.
Take that, groundbreaking world-improving technology!
2. Did Illya really go undercover as a vagabond guitarist from South America named Illya Kuryakin?
I am delighted to report that he loses his dumb fake mustache in the melee.
“I’m sunburned, blistered, grimy, and very, very hungry.”
Also, the fact that they swap the THRUSH uniform. Also, I love Roger C. Carmel. He plays such a delightfully cheerful bad guy.