On the sidewalk outside the tailor shop that serves as the secret
entrance to U.N.C.L.E. headquarters, a well-dressed elderly English gentleman (George
Sanders) collides with Illya. The man drops his briefcase, scattering papers
everywhere. Amid profuse apologies, Illya helps him gather up his things before
the man rushes off to catch his bus.
Upon realizing the man left behind a book, Illya chases
after the bus. He seems unaware it’s a classic London double-decker bus, which
is not a typical sight in midtown Manhattan. Oh, Illya. Where are your spy
instincts, babe? Didn’t U.N.C.L.E. train you to notice anomalies and proceed
with caution? Anyway, Illya jumps on the bus and returns the book. The elderly
man thanks him, then insists they’ve met before: “Don't you remember the trek
out to the desert? All that mucky heat and the crawling insects boring into
your skin? ... I wore a beard in those days.” As it starts to dawn on Illya
that maybe, just maybe, he’s waltzed right into a trap, the man’s henchman jabs
him in the back of the neck with the tip of his umbrella. Illya collapses,
unconscious.
In Mr. Waverly’s office, a security guard brings in a small pear
tree topped with Illya’s identification badge and a toy bird, which was left
for Napoleon at the tailor shop. When Napoleon presses a button on the bird’s
back, it plays an enigmatic recorded message: “Oh, to be in England, now that
Illya is here. Seven years of plenty, seven years of lean.” When Napoleon asks
about any strange activity in the neighborhood, the security guard tells him
about the mysterious bus, which was emblazoned in front with EASTSNOUT EXPRESS.
From this, Napoleon deduces the tree was delivered by an old
enemy, Emory Partridge, who took over a Latin American country, then disappeared
into the rainforest seven years ago after U.N.C.L.E. ousted him from power. Napoleon
figures Partridge has kidnapped Illya and taken him to Eastsnout, England. “You'd
better follow through on this, Mr. Solo,” Mr. Waverly tells him sternly. OH DO
YOU REALLY THINK SO MR. WAVERLY? Glad you mentioned it. Otherwise, Napoleon was probably planning on just shrugging
it off and leaving his partner to die at the hands of a longtime foe.
In the village of Eastsnout, Partridge takes Illya to his
lavish country estate, Porlock Hall, and introduces him to his flighty, dithery
wife, Edith (Jeanette Nolan). Edith seems delighted
to meet Illya.
This is an ominous sign. When
sweet-natured-but-probably-evil ladies take an interest in Illya, it never
turns out well, because there’s nothing sweet-natured-but-probably-evil ladies
like more than torturing him in violent and creepy and inappropriately sexual
ways. Exhibit A: Mother Fear. Exhibit B: Miss Diketon.
Partridge takes Illya on a long, chatty tour of his mansion,
while Illya, as polite and aloof as ever, gamely plays along, trying to figure
out when his hosts are going to get around to torturing the stuffing out of him.
Edith’s maid, Peggy (One
Day at a Time’s Bonnie Franklin, making an endearingly terrible attempt at
an English accent), watches from a window as Partridge leads Illya into a hedge
maze. When Peggy asks Edith about their new houseguest, Edith refers to Illya
as “that nice young man with the awkward name. A very charming fellow.” She
goes on to say, “He was very sort of physical
looking, in an unusual way.” It’s a bit of a word salad (Edith is not the
clearest communicator), but here’s what I think she’s trying to say: She’s hot
for Illya, and she’s not sure why.
The tour of the grounds culminates at a gazebo in the very
center of the hedge maze. Partridge ushers Illya through a trapdoor leading into
a sub-gazebo dungeon. Illya looks around at the grotesque torture implements—the
iron maiden, the rack, the bed of nails—and, very sensibly, bolts for his life.
He runs into the maze, where he encounters a wolf. Even
though the wolf looks friendly and downright cute, it’s enough to deter Illya from his escape plan. He allows
himself to be recaptured.
Partridge’s evil, shotgun-toting groundskeeper refers to
Illya as a “little animal.” Rude.
Upon recapturing Illya, Partridge shackles him to the wall
and leaves him alone in darkness. Peggy sneaks down into the dungeon via a
hidden passageway behind the iron maiden and secretly observes Illya, but makes
no attempt to, like, free him or find out what he’s doing there. Peggy is not
tremendously useful or proactive.
Napoleon arrives at the train station, where Partridge’s chauffeur
is waiting to take him to Porlock Hall. When the chauffeur attempts to stab him
with his umbrella tip, Napoleon beats the crap out of him, then stuffs him in
the backseat and, with a merry wave at the station agent, who witnessed the
whole violent exchange, drives off. The station agent shakes his head. “American
tourist,” he mutters disapprovingly.
So Napoleon heads straight to the local pub to have a pint and
play some darts before rescuing his kidnapped partner. Man’s gotta have
priorities.
Outside the pub, Peggy waylays Napoleon and confirms that
Partridge is indeed holding Illya captive. Terrified of Partridge, she refuses
to give Napoleon directions to Porlock Hall. Yet again, Peggy is not a heck of
a lot of help. Napoleon stows away in her car and hitches a ride to the
mansion, where he finally strikes a bargain with her: If she can show him the entrance
to the dungeon, he’ll take her to London to get her far away from Partridge.
Peggy tells him about a secret passageway located behind the
fireplace in Edith’s sitting room. Napoleon barges in on Edith, gun drawn, and
demands to be taken to Illya. Edith, sweet and dithery as ever, invites him to
tea, then shows him the passageway in exchange for a promise to join her for
dinner later.
Instead of following the passageway all the way to the
dungeon, Napoleon takes a detour and emerges in the living room, where he runs
into Emory Partridge. Partridge explains his diabolical plan for terrible
vengeance against U.N.C.L.E.: He's going to use Illya and Napoleon as bait to
lure Mr. Waverly into his dungeon.
After overpowering Napoleon, Partridge chains him up next to
Illya. “I see you've come to rescue me,” Illya says, dripping with scorn.
When Napoleon refuses to call Mr. Waverly, Partridge resorts
to drastic measures: He summons Edith, who turns out to be the diabolical mastermind
behind his villainy. Edith chides her husband: “Get you out of another fix, do
the hard part for you, make you look good. ... You can't quite manage alone,
can you?”
With the aid of the butler, Forrest, Edith bustles about the
dungeon, preparing to torture Napoleon and Illya. Her first order of business
is to stroll over to Illya and start toying with the waistband of his pants.
Every damn time. I
swear, the sweet-natured-but-probably-evil ladies can’t keep their hands off of
the poor boy.
When Napoleon once again refuses to lure Waverly into a trap,
Edith orders him strapped onto the rack. While Forrest tortures Napoleon, Edith
menaces Illya with a hot poker.
Peggy sneaks down to the dungeon through the passage in back
of the iron maiden and spies on the torture session. She’s caught by Emory Partridge,
who threatens to burn her with the poker if Napoleon refuses to cooperate.
While tormenting Peggy, Partridge transforms from a respectable English
gentleman into a creepy, misogynistic letch: “These wenches are all alike. ...
Don't think I don't know what you've been trying to do to me, flaunting
yourself about the place, trying to catch my fancy.”
Wow. This episode got kinda rapey all of a sudden.
To save Peggy, Napoleon breaks down and agrees to call Mr. Waverly.
Partridge leads him back upstairs and allows him to use his communicator to
contact U.N.C.L.E. headquarters. Napoleon tells Mr. Waverly he needs his help
to rescue Illya, stressing (weirdly) that he must come to Eastsnout alone. Mr.
Waverly takes this (weird) request at face value: “Meet me at the Eastsnout
station tomorrow at three,” he says, because he has apparently memorized all
the timetables for England’s extensive train system.
Now that Napoleon has outlived his usefulness, Partridge orders
his groundskeeper to kill him. Napoleon seizes a convenient broadsword and scurries
down into the dungeon.
In the dungeon, Edith has a nice chat with Illya, who is
still chained to the wall. “Kuryakin. It's an odd sort of name, isn't it? Are
your people from Bristol, young man?” While still polite, Illya is in no mood
for small talk. At least Edith is no longer trying to unbutton his pants, so
he’s probably coming out ahead here.
Napoleon bursts into the dungeon and engages Forrest in a vigorous
broadsword-versus-hot poker brawl before slamming him inside the iron maiden.
Everybody winces in horror, except for Edith, who cheerfully applauds Napoleon on
a job well done. After freeing Illya and Peggy from bondage, Napoleon straps
Edith down onto the rack. She’s delighted by this, confiding that she’s eager
to test how long it’ll take her to get free: “I’m an expert escape artist, you
know.”
Illya, Napoleon, and Peggy exit the dungeon through the
gazebo and flee into the maze, which is filled with lethal traps. Within
seconds of entering the maze, Illya steps on a pressure plate. Napoleon smugly informs
Illya of his blunder, then, while Illya is still standing on the pressure plate,
deliberately triggers it with the tip of his broadsword. A bunch of knives
shoot up from the ground, missing Illya by a whisker.
Bravo, Napoleon! You almost killed your partner.
Partridge and his henchmen head into the maze, armed with
shotguns. Illya and Napoleon brutally dispose of both henchmen in rapid
succession—they feed the chauffeur to the wolf (“Bon appetite!” quips Illya, still holding a grudge after that "little animal" comment) and
impale the groundskeeper on a crossbow bolt—then find themselves at the gazebo
again, where Partridge lies in wait. As Partridge prepares to shoot them, Edith,
having freed herself from the rack, emerges from the trapdoor beneath him and
knocks him off balance. Illya and Napoleon swoop in and apprehend the Partridges.
Before driving Peggy to London, Napoleon celebrates the
successful completion of the mission with a quick pint. Mr. Waverly arrives at
the pub, rented bicycle in tow, irate that Napoleon neglected to pick him up at
the train station as promised. He stuffily informs Napoleon that Illya assured
him he’d have a good explanation for his failure.
As Napoleon fumbles for a way to explain leaving his boss in
the lurch, Peggy chastises Illya for shifting all the blame to his partner. “That's
the spy business for you. You can't trust anyone,” Illya tells her cheerily.
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