Glee: Preggers

The episode opens with Kurt wearing a black sequined jumpsuit and bopping around, awesomely, to “Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It).” When his father catches him, Kurt claims to be on the football team and manages to convince him that sequined unitards are pretty standard apparel. Kurt may be my favorite character.

Terri’s sister Kendra gives her some Lamaze lessons. Terri confesses that her pregnancy is a fraud. She wants to confess the truth to Will, but Kendra talks her out of it, claiming, “Dishonesty is food to a marriage -- it’ll die without it.” I’m still not feeling Glee 100%, honestly, but I’m a fan of all the bon mots.

In other news, Sue Sylvester has begun hosting a local news segment, “Sue’s Corner” (in her debut appearance, she rhapsodizes about the benefits of caning). The station manager grows concerned that her cheerleaders won’t make it to Nationals, seeing as three have defected to the glee club, and implies that Sue’s future with the station is contingent upon the success of Cheerios. This hardens Sue’s resolve to destroy the glee club.

Rachel flips out when Will gives the solo in “Tonight” from West Side Story to Tina, the cute girl with the blue streak in her hair and the stammer, instead of to her.

Kurt tries out for the school’s losing football team, and is all kinds of adorable about it (“Hi, I’m Kurt, and I’ll be auditioning for the role of kicker”). He boogies around the field to “Single Ladies”, kicks the ball cleanly over the goal post, and celebrates making the team with his best pageant wave.

Quinn tearfully confesses to Finn that she’s pregnant, even though they’ve never had sex. She reminds Finn of the time he prematurely ejaculated in the hot tub when they were making out. Aw, crap. Every time I mention the phrase “prematurely ejaculated”, which seems to happen an awful lot while discussing this show, my website keyword stats start getting wonky.

Sue blackmails Principal Figgins by threatening to leak a cheeseball PSA he starred in about the dangers of embolism unless he agrees to let disgraced music teacher Sandy Ryerson return to the school. Sue and Sandy conspire to lure Rachel away from the glee club in the hopes of crippling it, with strategically-placed notices about upcoming auditions for a production of Cabaret, in which all hopefuls must come prepared to sing the Celine Dion song of her choice. This, naturally, is catnip for Rachel.

Will squabbles with Rachel, who is still furious with him for giving the solo to Tina. This is the point where I need to take Rachel aside and have a stern chat about her monstrous and unattractive sense of entitlement. Rachel’s argument is that she’s clearly the better singer, and thus it’s not fair to give Tina the solo just to boost Tina’s self-confidence. Per Rachel: “Why do you have to hurt me to help her feel good?” Here’s the thing: The value of anything artistic -- writing, singing, dancing, painting, what have you -- is always, always subjective. No one ever deserves to be chosen for the lead, and being given the big solo is not Rachel’s automatic right. I've been in Rachel's corner thus far, but her attitude in this episode is ghastly. Anyway, Tina ends up singing “Tonight” in rehearsal and doing a lovely job.

A sobbing Finn tells Will about Quinn’s pregnancy, which sort of weirdly and awkwardly segues into Finn asking Will to give the football team dance lessons to improve their performance on the field. The dialogue on this show is head and shoulders above the plotting. Will mentions Quinn’s pregnancy to Terri, which gives her all kinds of ideas.

After Finn fills Puck in about the pregnancy, Puck taunts purported virgin Quinn, mentioning that, unbeknownst to Finn, they’ve slept together. Quinn offers up this rationalization for events: “You got me drunk on wine coolers, and I felt fat that day.” Later, as Quinn sobs in her car, Terri accosts her, gives her prenatal vitamins, and offers to help her through the pregnancy.

The football game goes poorly, until the team rallies and performs a beautifully choreographed routine to, yes, “Single Ladies.” Finn scores a touchdown, then Kurt kicks the final goal, thus winning the game. In the stands, Will and Emma hug passionately. Quinn and Finn smooch while Puck storms off the field in a jealous huff.

After the game, Kurt finally comes out to his father, who isn’t terribly surprised by this turn of events.

Three football players, Puck among them, join the glee club. Will still refuses to give the solo to Rachel, so she quits, which... good riddance. If I were Will, I'd've booted her from the club for lousy sportsmanship. The episode ends with pregnant Quinn by herself, looking miserable and scared.