Hey, it’s a tawdry little sex farce, U.N.C.L.E.-style!
In Algiers, Illya arrives at a bistro to meet with a THRUSH
underling named Pierrot La Mouche (Pat Harrington, Jr., once again), who wants
to sell him a book of top-secret codes swiped from his boss, Colonel Hamid
(Jacques Aubuchon). Meanwhile, Hamid receives a coded message from his
superiors at THRUSH Central. Upon discovering the theft of the codebook, Hamid
bursts into the bistro and ambushes Illya and Pierrot before they can complete
their transaction. Pierrot escapes with the codes, but Illya is knocked
unconscious. Because a gigantic earthenware crock of olive oil falls from the
ceiling and cracks apart over his head. It’s zany! This is a season three
episode, could you guess? The zaniness is high in season three. This episode is
chock full of madcap shenanigans.
Napoleon visits Illya in the hospital, where he’s recovering
from his olive oil-related injuries. “It’s too bad they didn’t put you in a
cast. I could’ve autographed it,” Napoleon purrs at his wounded partner. Robert
Vaughn, being Robert Vaughn (i.e. wonderful and dazzling and deeply strange),
manages to put so much lascivious innuendo into his delivery of that line that
it comes out sounding absolutely filthy, like “autographing a cast” is a
euphemism for some kind of unspeakably kinky behavior. I hope Robert Vaughn
lives forever, because the world needs
him.
One of Hamid’s henchmen, Ali (Peter Baron), poses as a
doctor and listens in as Napoleon and Illya field a call from Mr. Waverly.
Pierrot, who is still looking to sell the codebook, is holed up in the Casbah,
an historic walled city inside Algiers. Waverly orders Napoleon to head into
the Casbah and make contact with Pierrot. Pierrot, however, has made one
significant alteration to the deal: In exchange for the book, in addition to a
large cash payment, he wants the, ahem, “guaranteed companionship” of a pretty
young waitress named Janine (Danielle de Metz, last seen dallying in the
Sahara with a pants-free Illya in “The Foreign Legion Affair”). Oh, yuck. Waverly
sternly informs Napoleon that U.N.C.L.E. will not be accommodating Pierrot in
this unsavory business. “U.N.C.L.E. is not a lonely hearts bureau, you know,”
he says. When used in this context, I will assume “lonely hearts bureau” is an
old-timey way of saying “sex trafficker”.
So Napoleon heads into the dark and dangerous corridors of
the Casbah. (At the entrance, a helpful policeman tries to warn him away,
claiming, “The Casbah is not a place for a well-dressed stranger.” “This is my oldest
suit,” Napoleon assures him cheerfully.) Napoleon meets with Pierrot to
negotiate for the book. When Napoleon tells him of U.N.C.L.E.’s refusal to
procure Janine for him (U.N.C.L.E. is, at times, a thoroughly despicable
organization, but it’s nice to see they draw the line at forcing waitresses
into prostitution), Pierrot pulls a gun and announces his intention to keep
Napoleon imprisoned in the Casbah until someone gives him Janine.
(In Pierrot’s defense, he insists his intentions are
honorable: He only wants to give U.N.C.L.E.’s reward money to Janine so she can
build a better life for herself. However, since Janine seems downright
indifferent to Pierrot, and since the phrase “guaranteed companionship” was
used to describe the arrangement, it still comes across as pretty foul.)
At the hospital, a naked Illya receives a massage from a
sexy nurse. “How do you keep your skin so soft?” she purrs at him, because
everyone in this episode is super
horny.
The massage is interrupted by a call from Napoleon, who
fills Illya in on his predicament and orders him to bring Janine to the Casbah
immediately. (“Napoleon, my pores are still open,” Illya complains). The nurse
refuses to give Illya his clothes so he can check himself out of the hospital;
rolling with the punches, Illya strolls around naked until she relents. It’s
been a while since we’ve seen some gratuitous David McCallum skin, hasn’t it?
Ratings must’ve started to slide.
Illya pops by the bistro to wheedle Janine into prostituting
herself to Pierrot. She’s pretty meh on the prospect. While Illya slathers her
in inscrutable Slavic charm, Colonel Hamid and his goons burst in, intending to
kidnap Janine to get the codebook back from Pierrot.
Janine and Illya flee into the hotel next door, where they
bribe the front desk clerk into hiding them from Hamid. Assuming Illya and
Janine are carrying on an illicit affair (“That was your husband, eh? No wonder
you prefer the blond one”), the clerk offers them a room for the night.
At a nightclub, Colonel Hamid whips himself into a frenzy
about the missing codebook. His slinky belly-dancing girlfriend, Ayesha (Abbe
Lane), consoles him. She offers to seduce Pierrot to get the book away from
him.
Ayesha shows up at the Casbah looking for Pierrot. While
Napoleon and Pierrot ogle her from the balcony, Ayesha flashes her breasts at
them. “Nice vantage point,” Napoleon murmurs as he stares down into her
cleavage. Ah, the sophisticated, urbane wit of U.N.C.L.E.’s third season.
So Napoleon swaps clothes with Pierrot, dons a fez and
glasses, and poses as Pierrot to greet Ayesha.
Ayesha heaves her spangle-clad cleavage at Napoleon, who
adopts a fake Algerian Arabic accent that’s even
more ridiculous and bizarre and amazing than his fake French accent. Ayesha
breathes heavily and pants about how Napoleon/Pierrot is so much more handsome
than she’d been led to believe, while unbeknownst to her, Hamid and Ali listen
in on the whole sordid affair via a listening device hidden in her girdle. Still
posing as Pierrot, Napoleon cheerfully allows himself to be seduced. Back in
his lair, Hamid eavesdrops glumly as his girlfriend shags his sworn enemy.
In the morning, Illya and Janine wake up in bed together,
having spent a (chaste) night hiding from THRUSH goons. Janine confesses that
she finds herself developing feelings for Pierrot for going to such lengths to
win her affections. Oh, Janine. You just spent the night in close proximity to
the quietly devastating sexual magnetism of Illya Kuryakin, and now you’re hot
for Pierrot? I don’t get you, girl.
Ayesha slinks back to Hamid’s lair and triumphantly tells
him she managed to get the codebook away from Pierrot. It’s the wrong
book—Napoleon gave her a fake one, of course—and Hamid flies into a violent
rage at her infidelity. Hey, Man From
U.N.C.L.E.? Could we not have any slapstick-infused scenes in which angry dudes
manhandle their girlfriends and try to strangle them while denouncing them as
whores? Kinda damages the effervescent charm of this delightfully frothy
series, that’s all. Thanks muchly.
In the middle of this unpleasantness, Hamid happens to
overhear a conversation between Illya and Napoleon: Ayesha left her girdle,
along with the hidden listening device, behind in Napoleon’s bed. Hamid listens
in as Illya contacts Napoleon to tell him he and Janine are heading to the
Casbah. Hamid races to the hotel and captures Janine and Illya before they can
leave.
Time for some gratuitous bondage and torture! Hamid chains
Illya to the ceiling and menaces him with hot pokers while Janine pleads with
him to stop. “I would far rather be doing this to you, believe me,” Hamid tells
her lecherously, thus making this show’s recurring torture-is-shorthand-for-nonconsensual-sex
subtext rather more overt than usual.
Inside the Casbah, Napoleon grows increasingly concerned
when Illya and Janine fail to show up. Pierrot begins to panic, convinced
(correctly) Janine has fallen into THRUSH hands. Napoleon does his best to
reassure him. “Mr. Kuryakin is a very competent operative,” he lies.
Back in Hamid’s lair, Illya frees himself by nimbly flipping
himself upside down and sticking his bound hands into the lit fireplace. Janine
squawks in horror at this. “Theoretically, these ropes should burn through
before I do,” Illya tells her. Good plan, Illya. Solid reasoning. I’m sure
U.N.C.L.E.’s insurance will pay for the skin grafts.
Once free, Illya unties Janine. Everyone—Illya, Janine,
Napoleon, Pierrot, Hamid, Ali, Ayesha—converges at the Casbah and starts
shooting haphazardly at each other. Hamid and Ali are killed; Pierrot takes a
bullet to the chest. As a distraught Janine proclaims her love for him, it
becomes clear he’s not going to die—Ayesha’s girdle, which he was keeping close
to his heart for some damn fool reason, stopped the bullet.
In all the confusion, the codebook vanishes. Illya and
Napoleon take Mr. Waverly out for drinks at a nightclub to break the news that,
yet again, they’ve managed to thoroughly botch their assignment. Ayesha sails
in to save the day—she swiped the codebook in the chaos and offers to sell it
back to U.N.C.L.E. Waverly uses the book to decode the top-secret message from
THRUSH Central that Hamid had received, which turns out to be only a notice of
Hamid’s dismissal for gross incompetence. Ayesha and Waverly bat their eyes
each other, Illya chows down on snacks, Napoleon ogles scantily-clad dancers,
and all is more or less well.
A very silly little episode—close to stupid, really—but I
secretly kind of dig it when this show gets sleazy and sensationalistic, so I
approve.
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