In Paris, nightclub owner Max Von Schreeten (Lloyd Bochner) and
his cousin Josef (Gerald Mohr) receive a delivery of a suitcase filled with cash.
The Von Schreeten cousins embezzled half a billion dollars in uncut,
unregistered diamonds from a diamond syndicate; to prevent them from flooding
the world diamond market, the syndicate has been paying them a cool million each
month in extortion fees. Max wants to use his new ill-gotten wealth to lure
Mary Pilgrim (Kathryn Hays), a singer from New York who used to date both Max and Josef, to Paris to perform at his
club, in the hopes of winning her back.
There’s a listening device attached to the suitcase’s luggage
tag. From a hotel room somewhere in Paris, Illya eavesdrops on Max and Josef.
Back in New York, Napoleon kidnaps Mary Pilgrim from her
apartment in the Bronx, hustles her into a cab, and takes her to U.N.C.L.E.
headquarters, where a quartet of stylists ignore her loud protests and give her
a head-to-toe makeover, transforming her from frumpy to glamorous. Napoleon
explains the plan to an outraged Mary: He wants her to accept the job in Paris
and rekindle her romance with Max to find where he’s hidden the diamonds. Max
is already very much in love with Mary, so apparently Napoleon gave her a
non-consensual makeover just to be a dick.
Napoleon is very, very good at being a dick.
At first, Mary flatly refuses to cooperate: She’s now
studying opera under the renowned Madame Grushenka and has no wish to return to
the world of nightclub performances. She relents after Napoleon agrees to let
Madame Grushenka accompany her to Paris.
In Paris, Max’s assistant, Corio (Alfred Ryder), who is
actually a THRUSH mole, finds the listening device on the suitcase and notifies
his superior, Krolik (Kevin Hagen). Krolik, whom we first meet as he’s lolling
on a couch while a sexy lady hand-feeds him treats, realizes this means
U.N.C.L.E. is on the trail of the diamonds.
At Krolik’s suggestion, Corio taps an electronic tuning
fork* against the listening device, thus generating ultrasonic waves that (somehow)
make Illya’s headphones explode. Illya survives the explosion unscathed—he’d
removed his headphones to chow down on a baguette sandwich, which Napoleon had
brought to him in their Paris hotel room. Illya is unfazed by his near-death
experience, opting instead to berate Napoleon for his sandwich choices: “Must
you put ketchup and mustard on everything?” While he’s being ungrateful and
surly—hey, free sandwich!—I’m firmly Team Illya on this one. What kind of uncouth,
uncultured American goes to Paris and asks for a baguette sandwich with ketchup and mustard?
*I greatly admire all of THRUSH’s weird yet iconoclastic advances
in the heretofore underdeveloped field of weaponized tuning forks. Between this
episode and “The Concrete Overcoat Affair”, they’ve got that market cornered.
Napoleon pops by Mary’s dressing room to wish her good luck
on her nightclub debut. He’s chased away by the formidable Madame Grushenka
(Miriam Goldina), who is seething with unbridled hostility over Mary’s decision
to sing in a nightclub. “My Mary is a painted floozy!” she wails.
Onstage, instead of busting out some sultry French torch
song, Mary warbles her way through the brassy “It’s a Most Unusual Day” from A Date With Judy, which is a really weird song choice for a debut in a slinky Parisian nightclub. It’s…
well, it’s not immediately apparent from her performance that Mary is either a former
nightclub chanteuse or a
classically-trained opera singer.
While Mary yodels away in the background, Corio and Krolik
secretly meet at the nightclub. Krolik passes along new orders from their
higher-ups in THRUSH: Now that U.N.C.L.E. has entered the picture, they need to
find the diamonds as quickly as possible. Upon rewatching this episode, it
dawned on me that Krolik and Corio are roughly the bargain-basement THRUSH
equivalent of Napoleon and Illya. The similarities are obvious: Krolik is a
genial womanizer, Corio is small and surly, and neither one is particularly
adept at his chosen profession.
After the show, Max whisks Mary off to a romantic dinner. While
walking Mary back to her hotel, Max is attacked by Illya, who is disguised as a
beret-wearing, knife-wielding French bandit. Max gains the upper hand,
whereupon Illya confesses he was hired by Josef to kill Max, then flees into
the night.
At the luxurious apartment he shares with his cousin, Josef investigates
a sudden ruckus on his balcony, only to find Napoleon and Illya engaged in ludicrous
mortal combat.
Napoleon dons a ghastly French accent and introduces himself
to Josef as, ahem, Inspector Javert. Josef, who is either unfamiliar with the
works of Victor Hugo or too distracted by the brawling strangers on his balcony
to notice, lets this bit of nitwittery pass without comment. Napoleon claims he
spotted Illya, a well-known assassin and all-purpose ruffian, climbing up onto
the balcony. A search of Illya’s pockets turns up Max’s business card. Napoleon
manhandles Illya out of the apartment: “‘Allo! We go sweat you a little bit,
eh, pussycat?”
Pussycat. Wonderful. Out of all the vast and varied and
weirdly hilarious pet names Napoleon gives to Illya over the course of the
series—Filthy, Little Friend, Little Flower, etcetera—my favorite might be pussycat.
So thanks to Illya and Napoleon, Max now thinks Josef is
trying to kill him, while Josef thinks Max is trying to kill him. Max stages a
retaliatory attack: He hires a fierce gang of rough-and-tumble furniture movers
to beat up Josef and steal all the furniture in their shared apartment.
Max then grabs Mary and informs her that they’re going to
run off and get eloped. Mary doesn’t seem too jazzed about this plan, but she
goes along for the ride anyway. At the train station, Max spots Illya, whom he
still believes is the assassin Josef hired to kill him. Spooked that Josef
plans to murder him to get the diamonds back, he tears the claim ticket the
furniture movers had given him in two and gives half to Mary. Before boarding
the train, Mary manages to slip her half of the ticket to Illya.
Illya calls Napoleon from the train station to fill him in
on the situation. Napoleon is sitting on the floor in Max and Josef’s now-empty
apartment, where Josef is still lying unconscious after being beaten up by the
movers. The diamonds, it seems, were hidden inside the furniture, which is now
being transported to some unknown destination. Napoleon gives Illya some
well-deserved crap for botching the assignment: Illya had searched the
apartment earlier looking for the diamonds, but hadn’t thought to check inside
the furniture.
While Illya chats with Napoleon, Corio and Kralik creep up
behind him and bonk him over the head, then steal his half of the claim check
as he’s lying in an unconscious heap. Oh, Illya. Throughout much of the first
season, in which Napoleon is still clearly the star of the show while Illya is
merely his loyal sidekick, it’s easy to get the impression that Illya is the
more competent agent of the two, simply because he usually has much less to do
than Napoleon. And then episodes like this one come along, and… well, Illya’s
not necessarily less competent than
Napoleon, but that bar is set pretty low.
Back at the apartment, Josef finally regains consciousness
just as Kralik bursts in, demanding to know where the movers are taking the
diamonds. When Josef attacks Kralik, Kralik shoots and kills him. Kralik turns
his attention toward Napoleon, who casually tosses him to his death off the
balcony.
Outside, he’s stopped by Madame Grushenka, who has the
police arrest him on suspicion of kidnapping Mary. Napoleon, who is a one-man
force of chaos in this episode, takes Grushenka hostage at gunpoint and steals
a police car. “In no way do I represent American foreign policy!” he yells out
the window at the police as he speeds away from the crime scene.
After swapping the police car for a flashier sports car,
which he carjacks from some poor Parisian dude, Napoleon zips to the next train
station. While waiting for the train carrying Max and Mary to arrive, he calls Illya
to tell him to follow along the train tracks in a helicopter and wait for his
signal. Bruised and battered, Illya complains bitterly about getting attacked
by Kralik and Corio: “When I did manage to get to my feet, it took me half an
hour to find my trousers.” THEY STOLE ILLYA’S PANTS! Fantastic. I’m delighted
to see an unexpected reprise of the bizarre pants-stealing motif from “The
Terbuf Affair.”
On the train, Corio threatens to kill Mary unless Max tells
him where the furniture is being shipped. Max, whose love of a half a billion
dollars in diamonds far outweighs his love for Mary, refuses to cooperate. Napoleon,
who is now aboard the train, tries to intervene, but gets captured as well. Corio
forces them all to exit at the next station, where THRUSH reinforcements are
waiting to slaughter them.
Luckily, the police are there as well, ready to arrest
Napoleon for kidnapping Mary. When Mary insists Napoleon is innocent, the police
captain assumes she’s fallen madly in love with her captor, which, he assures
her, is a common occurrence with young women. Oh, oink. Gross.
Spotting Illya’s helicopter overhead, Napoleon continues his
hot streak of wanton destruction by fleeing from the police and setting fire to
a hay cart. Illya sees the fire and lowers a rope ladder to pick him up.
In the helicopter, Illya is sullen and terse and absolutely furious with himself for failing to
search for the diamonds inside the furniture. It’s both cute and rare to see
Illya filled with self-recrimination for botching a mission. He’s young here;
he’ll get used to it. As the series progresses, he’ll botch so many missions
that it won’t even occur to him to feel bad about it.
Napoleon and Illya spot the furniture truck, which has
already been hijacked by Corio and his goons. Illya takes out Corio with the
helicopter’s guns, then lands the helicopter on top of the truck, bringing it
to a halt.
With the diamonds successfully recovered, Illya and Napoleon
celebrate at the nightclub, which, with Max’s arrest, now legally belongs to
Mary. Illya’s evening is ruined by Napoleon, who smugly tells him that he
informed Mr. Waverly of his failure to find the diamonds in the apartment. As
punishment, Waverly is sending Illya off on another mission to Amsterdam to
investigate how the diamond heist was pulled off in the first place. Napoleon
romances and dances with Mary, leaving Illya to fend off the attentions of an
amorous Madame Grushenka. “Hey, pussycat! Dance with ze lady, oui?” Napoleon calls
out to his irate partner.
Comments
I'm on Team Illya for the sandwich thing too... get that mustard and ketchup far away from my baguette! Dear me, Solo, what are you thinking??
The pants stealing is awesome. So are the pet names.
The pet names are kind of the best thing ever.
“In no way do I represent American foreign policy!” he yells out the window at the police as he speeds away from the crime scene.
That's the best thing EVER! I want Napoleon to shout that during all his hijinks! It should be his catch-phrase.
I fell like 5 weeks behind on my blog reading, and am slowly catching up. Happy to have several of your UNCLE reviews still ahead of me :-D
During the fight scene in the apartment that was now devoid of furniture, there is maybe half a minute where it was shot from overhead. At one point someone bumps a wall which collapses. Falls right over. On camera. And it made it into the final print. It's so quick, it's easy to miss. It's on the right edge of the screen, the wall tips right over. Apparently no time to use nails or scotch tape or something.
Once you see it, you'll never miss it on rewatches. I can attest to this.