Somewhere near the Gulf of Aqaba, Illya lies in the sand, binoculars
out, keeping a covert watch over a THRUSH compound built into the side of a
sand dune. Inside the compound, THRUSH agents test their latest fiendish
device: a vaporizer that shoots out a deadly foam capable of dissolving an
entire human body. They successfully test it on a chained-up Middle Eastern tribesman,
as portrayed by some white dude in brown face paint and a burnoose.
Unfortunate! This episode is regrettably chockablock with brownface. Into every
classic 1960s television series, a little racism must fall.
Illya is spotted by local tribe leader Sulador (Syria-born
actor Michael Ansara, who, despite being legitimately Middle Eastern, can’t
escape a zealous slathering of brown face paint) and his daughter Sophie
(Phyllis Newman). At Sulador’s command, a pair of his men attempt to kill
Illya; Illya fights them off, but Sophie hurls a knife at him, winging him in
the leg. Sulador wants to finish him off, but Sophie objects: She recently lost
her camel, and she wants to trade Illya at the marketplace for a new one.
…I mean, it’s not the most
offensive portrayal of Middle Eastern characters on an American television show
ever, but it’s not good. This episode is going to take a little bit of
patience. Be prepared to cringe and/or shake your head sadly a few times.
Illya hasn’t reported to U.N.C.L.E. headquarters in two days.
Mr. Waverly has already written him off as dead (“You’d better inform Personnel
that we don’t expect Mr. Kuryakin to be returning,” he cheerfully tells an underling).
Napoleon, for his part, is camped out in the Research department, coffee pot
and a tray of food at his elbow, searching for more information about Illya’s
last assignment—gathering intel on THRUSH’s vaporizer project—to see if he can
find out what happened to his partner. He keeps persuading a perky young researcher,
Mitzi, to pester Mr. Waverly for updates on Illya. Aw, Napoleon cares. It’s sweet and cute.
Mr. Waverly is not charmed by Napoleon’s concern for his
missing partner: “Good grief, young woman, can’t you and Mr. Solo find someone
else to bother today?” he snaps at Mitzi. For such a kindly old man, Mr.
Waverly has a cold, cruel streak.
While sorting through U.N.C.L.E.’s files on all known THRUSH
agents working on the vaporizer project, Napoleon detects an ominous trend: All
THRUSH agents tend to die immediately after their mandatory retirement at age
sixty-five. THRUSH, it seems, covertly murders all retirees to prevent former
agents from spilling secrets.
Across town at THRUSH headquarters, a low-level drone named David
Lewin leaves the office on his last day of work. He’s met in the corridor by
his boss, Norman (Jerome Thor), who congratulates him on thirty years of loyal service
to THRUSH. As soon as Lewin leaves, Norman jokes with a fellow THRUSH agent
about various ways they could murder him after his retirement dinner: “We could
bash him with a stick until his main spring breaks.”
Oh, THRUSH. They do enjoy their little jokes, don’t they?
The soon-to-retire Lewin is played by Robert Ellenstein, who
was in his very early forties when this episode was filmed. He’s obviously
wearing a ton of old-age makeup to add twenty-some years to his appearance. The
first time I watched this episode, I assumed this would factor into the
plot—maybe in addition to the vaporizer, THRUSH has perfected a machine to
reverse the effects of aging, and at a later point in the episode Lewin would
be de-aged to look dewy and youthful? Maybe?
Nope. The powers-that-be just cast a fortysomething dude as
a sixtysomething dude. Between this and all the brownface, there are some downright
odd casting decisions in this episode.
Back at his apartment, Lewin and his wife, Hazel, make giddy
retirement plans. They’re interrupted by Napoleon, who climbs in through the
window, points a gun at them, and politely asks Hazel to fix him a cup of tea
while he explains how THRUSH is totally going to murder her husband.
At first, Lewin and Hazel refuse to believe him, until he
presents them with his evidence: All retiring THRUSH employees are assassinated
via explosives hidden inside their farewell gold watches. Overwhelmed, Hazel
yammers on in a heartbreaking way about how THRUSH has always been a good
employer with a great benefits package: “Stock options, even!” Napoleon makes
Lewin a deal: In exchange for access to all files pertaining to the THRUSH
vaporizer, he’ll make sure Lewin and Hazel live out the rest of their lives
under U.N.C.L.E.’s protection.
In a remote village near Aqaba, a badly-wounded Illya wakes
to find himself in Sophie’s care. Illya asks her to take him to town so he can
notify U.N.C.L.E. that THRUSH has been using captured members of her tribe as
guinea pigs for their vaporizer. Their conversation goes… poorly. Sophie doesn’t take well to being bossed
around by her captive.
The files pertaining to the vaporization project are located
in THRUSH’s New York headquarters, which is where Lewin’s retirement banquet is
being held. After Lewin smuggles him into the building, which is teeming with
banquet attendees, a tuxedo-clad Napoleon saunters around like he owns the joint.
You are not in disguise, Napoleon! Everyone at THRUSH knows who you are and
what you look like! There’s a section dedicated to you in the official THRUSH manual!
Upon finding the door to the file room locked, Napoleon accosts
a hapless security guard. The following exchange takes place:
Napoleon: This door was supposed to be left open! Why wasn’t
it?
Guard: Well, sir, I don’t know. Nobody said anything to me.
Napoleon: Well, I’m
saying something. Open it!
This almost works.
The guard starts to unlock the door, then gets a clue at the
last second and challenges Napoleon, whereupon Napoleon punches him out, strips
him of his clothes, ties him up, and steals his uniform.
Nothing to see here. Just a little footage from Napoleon’s
shockingly ill-advised foray into bondage porn, that’s all. Move along.
Meanwhile, the fancy black-tie soirée in Lewin’s honor has
reached the much-anticipated Orange Jell-O™ course.
In the desert, an increasingly irritable Illya squabbles
with his captor, Sophie. He hurls a series of insults at her about her stubbornness
and her foul personality, wrapping up his tirade with, “No wonder you’re still
unmarried at your age!” In response, she kicks him in his wounded leg. Hard. I love you, Illya, but you had
that one coming.
During their contretemps, Sophie makes an offhanded comment
about how others in her tribe have remarked upon similarities between Illya and
Lawrence of Arabia—both are blond-haired, blue-eyed foreigners who mysteriously
appeared in the desert—which gives Illya ideas.
Soon enough, he’s spinning a web of weird lies to the tribespeople about how
he’s Lawrence’s son and how this means he’s destined to lead them in an uprising
against THRUSH.
Upset at this potential threat to his authority, Sulador
sends a couple of his men to murder Illya in his sleep.
The files pertaining to the vaporizer project are locked in
a vault. Before Napoleon can figure out how to break into it, THRUSH is on to
him. He flees down to the ground floor and uses Lewin’s explosive-laced gold
watch to blast his way out of the building.
Realizing Lewin betrayed THRUSH by letting Napoleon into the
building, Norman takes Lewin to his private plane, which is preparing to depart
to the Aqaba compound, in order to use him as a test subject for the vaporizer.
Napoleon trails them to the airstrip, then stows away on the plane.
Robert Vaughn is working
that THRUSH uniform. This is a good look on him.
Illya fends off the attack by Sulador’s men, whereupon
Sulador challenges him to a duel to the death. Sophie angrily orders Illya not
to hurt her father in the duel. “Why don’t you take that sparsely-furnished
mind of yours and join the other elderly, unmarried women?” Illya snarls at
her.
Wow. Illya, you can be a real bitch sometimes.
Armed with hot pokers, Illya and Sulador engage in mortal
combat. Illya gets off to a shaky start—he stumbles into a bed of hot coals,
then Sulador sets his leg on fire—but eventually reigns supreme. Humbled by
defeat, Sulador agrees to follow him into battle against THRUSH.
So Illya, dressed in a flowing white burnoose and astride a
white stallion—gosh, they’re riding the David McCallum-Peter O’Toole physical similarities
pretty hard here—hides outside the THRUSH compound with Sulador and all of his
tribesmen, waiting for the right moment to attack.
The THRUSH desert compound, by the way, is represented by
this matte painting. It looks pretty shoddy!
And then the plane carrying Napoleon, Lewin, and Norman
lands in front of it.
Wow.
Napoleon emerges from his hiding place in the back of the
plane, attacks Norman, strips him of his clothes, and changes into his tuxedo.
I appreciate the casual way Napoleon keeps knocking dudes out and stripping
them whenever he needs a change of wardrobe. Resourceful! Saves on dry-cleaning
bills! Posing as Norman, he waltzes into the compound, accompanied by Lewin.
Led by Illya on his white horse, the tribespeople storm the
compound. Chaos ensues! To drive out the intruders, THRUSH agents flood the entire
compound with the vaporization foam; Napoleon dons a protective suit and saves
Illya from disintegration. There then ensues one of those magical moments where
Illya and Napoleon stare at each other for a very long time, shocked and
relieved beyond words, before launching right back into their usual barrage of cutting
insults to disguise their very real, very deep affection for each other. “I
should’ve known who it was when I saw you trip over your own feet,” Illya
snarls. In response, Napoleon fondles Illya’s burnoose: “Gee, I wish I had a
dress like that.”
These two. This relationship. It’s magical.
Having secured the base, Illya and Napoleon assure Lewin
that U.N.C.L.E. will make sure he has a peaceful and happy retirement. Sophie,
who has fallen madly in love with Illya even though he’s been nothing but a big
old jerkwad to her, wanders the compound forlornly in search of him. “I look
for skinny young man with yellow hair!” she tells Napoleon. As Illya, disguised
in a protective suit, gives Sophie the slip, Napoleon alerts Sophie to the “limping bunny” trying to escape
unnoticed. As Sophie chases down Illya, Napoleon celebrates the triumphant
completion of the mission.
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