Duranalysis: My Own Way

Am I really going to drum up a thousand words or so on Duran Duran’s “My Own Way” video? I am, aren’t I?

Egad.

Not that there’s anything particularly wrong with “My Own Way,” which was the first single released off of the 1982 Rio album. It’s a fun, throwaway video for a fun, throwaway song. It’s a little surprising to discover that Russell Mulcahy, the man behind the epic mayhem of “Wild Boys” and the large-scale exotic spectacles of “Rio” and “Hungry Like the Wolf,” directed this agreeable trifle, which looks like it was shot in a couple hours in a high school auditorium on a shoestring budget (expenses: red and black paint, confetti, glitter, headbands…). Like “Careless Memories” and “Night Boat,” the video for “My Own Way” didn’t make it onto Duran Duran’s 2003 Greatest DVD collection. It’s neither a mild embarrassment like “Careless Memories,” nor an overlooked gem like “Night Boat.” It simply exists, in an inoffensive and modestly entertaining kind of way.

“My Own Way” is a straightforward performance video with a few extra frills thrown in for good measure. Frill #1: We open with a cape-twirling matador, who is played by Adrian Paul, the handsome star of Highlander: The Series. Apart from helming a buttload of Duran Duran videos (that’s a technical unit of measurement, I believe, buttload), Russell Mulcahy is still best known for directing the first couple of Highlander films; I don’t know anything about Mulcahy’s level of involvement in the subsequent television series or whether Paul’s presence here had any bearing on his future casting, but at the very least, it’s a fun coincidence.


Wow. Check out the amount of makeup on John! He’s tarted up like the Whore of Babylon, and I highly approve. While I have no proof, I somehow suspect this was Nick’s doing. Not long after this, when Rio broke through in a big way and the band became a worldwide phenomenon, most of the Durans, John included, backed off a bit from the whole pretty-boys-in-heavy-makeup image. Nick, of course, cheerfully started wearing even more makeup, just to compensate for his slacker bandmates. This is why Nick is now and ever shall be my favorite Duran.


John looks smoking-hot here. Kind of aloof and snooty, but smoking-hot nonetheless.

There’s a parakeet running amuck (is that a parakeet? It is, right? I don’t know my exotic birds). The parakeet settles on Roger’s drum kit. Roger, aware that small living creatures and wildly pounding drumsticks make poor bedfellows, regards it with due caution.


You don’t have to look far for reasons why Duran Duran captured the public’s attention so fiercely in the early 1980s: They were talented, they were beautiful, they were charismatic, they wrote catchy songs, they made dazzling videos… Not of least importance, they also had crisply-defined and very distinct public personas: You had Simon, the flirty daredevil; John, the sensitive dreamboat; Nick, the oddball diva; Andy, the feisty rebel; and Roger, the sensible wallflower. It made them more than just members of a famous pop band -- they were also characters in a glamorous and larger-than-life ongoing drama. So while Simon, John, Nick and Andy, all of whom seemed to have the common sense of coked-up chipmunks during this time, were probably all in favor of having parakeets flapping around the stage, it would fall to poor stalwart Roger to explain how none of them really needed feathers and bird crap all over their expensive instruments and equipment. And the others probably bobbed their pretty heads in feigned agreement while paying no attention whatsoever.

The parakeet next decides to pester Our Nick. Nick is totally chill about this. Bird hanging out on his synthesizers? Not a problem. It’s all good.


Then the bird tries to peck off his synth-playing fingers.


And Nick is charmed and delighted by this. Nick, who tends to be a moody little thing, doesn’t smile much in videos (for starters, smiling messes up his signature pout). A notable exception would be “Save a Prayer,” when he’s riding the elephant with John while having the time of his young life. Elephants, parakeets… Nick seems relatively indifferent to most humans, his bandmates included, but he sparkles around animals.


(Digression: This is only tangentially related to Nick’s love of animals, but it’s kind of cool, so bear with me. Nick’s glamazon ex-wife, Julie Anne Rhodes, has a website, and it’s fabulous. She’s now a personal chef in Los Angeles; her blog is a glorious mishmash of recipes and anecdotes about her glamorous life with her magical-pixie ex-husband during the peak of Duran Duran’s fame. For Duran fans or general 1980s pop-culture aficionados, it’s a must-read. Anyway, in her post about their legendarily extravagant nuptials, she mentions how Nick had to be talked out of having panthers at the reception (he eventually settled for pink flamingos instead). Words to live by: If you ever find yourself being talked out of having live panthers at your wedding, it’s a sign your lifestyle might be careening wildly -- but fabulously! -- out of control.)

Throughout the video, a cluster of pretty flamenco dancers strut and twirl around the stage. As if that’s not flashy and colorful enough by itself, it turns out their skirts are filled with copious amounts of glitter. A glitter battle ensues.


This video might be kind of cheap, but it sure does sparkle a lot.

Er… Andy’s hair isn’t really blue, is it? That’s just some weird trick of the stage lights, right? Sure, this was filmed back in the days when Andy was still being a good sport about letting the rest of the band (read: Nick) dictate what he wore and how he styled his hair, but I’m pretty sure he would’ve threatened to break some adorable pixie fingers if Nick had come charging after him, armed with rubber gloves and a box of Rit dye in Prussian Blue. It’s hard to picture Andy reacting any other way.


Then again, his hair does look mighty blue. Yessirree. No way around it. Blue.

While John and the others flirt with the pretty dancers, Simon wriggles around on his belly, snarling and gnashing his teeth in a rabid manner. When Simon decides to chew some scenery, he does it in an astonishingly literal way.


The pretty dancers flock around Roger and Nick, who are now clad in classic tuxes. The dancers plop in their laps and cheerfully molest the boys for a while. Roger seems mildly bemused by this.


A freshly-kissed Nick looks delighted. Aw, man, this is now officially the most Nick has ever smiled in a video. Set him loose with animals, or send in a pretty girl to smooch him. That’s how you make Nick happy.


Confetti fight! Simon skips around the stage and hurls confetti. Everybody dances up a storm.


And… yeah, that’s it. That’s the video. Confetti, glitter, pretty dancers, and a scene-stealing bird. It is what it is. It’s cute. Not every video aims to be “Wild Boys,” and that’s probably just as well.
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Fun With Keywords: Special Moving-Is-Traumatic Edition

Duran Duran reviews will return in a bit, but I’m taking a quick break to: a) recover from a grueling coast-to-coast move (blood, sweat and tears have all been involved, in significant quantities), and b) take an overdue look at some of the search terms visitors have used to find this site recently. Here we go:

what gives, wyoming preppies
I’m dazzled by the concept of Wyoming preppies. I’m picturing crew-necked sweaters and tennis skirts paired with bolo ties and hand-tooled cowboy boots. If done correctly, it could be awesome.

prentiss crush hotch
Heh. I realize this is probably intended to mean Emily Prentiss has a secret crush on Hotch, which is a popular theory among some Criminal Minds fans, but there’s a fun “Hulk smash!” air to the phrasing: “Prentiss crush Hotch! Prentiss strong!”

power station cocainey
By multiple reports and general consensus, extremely cocainey.

thomas gibson villain
Gibson’s very best villain role was in the miniseries Tales of the City (as well as its sequel, More Tales of the City). Honorable mention goes to his excellent work in The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas. No, really. Crap movie, but he shines in it.

what movie was thomas gibson when he played the devil
The Devil’s Child. Note how I didn’t include that in with his best villain roles. This was not an oversight on my part, I assure you.

"i felt very grown up when i was wearing makeup thank you very much"
That’d be a quote from Mr. Nick Rhodes, who tends to speak in extra-quippy bon mots. (My personal favorite Nickism: “Pretentious? I should jolly well think so!”.) Nick’s lack of a Twitter account continues to be a source of great sadness for me. It would either be brilliant or insufferable. No room for middle ground there. Either way, I’d totally follow it.

15 minute video version of new moon on monday
It’s an Easter egg on the Duran Duran Greatest video collection, which features the most monstrously irritating and ass-backward layout of any DVD set ever. To access it, click on the “S” in “GREATEST” on the main menu on Disk I (which is inexplicably marked as Disk II on my set). Click on “New Moon on Monday.” Watch the video all the way through four complete times -- it’ll be a different version each time. According to Wikipedia, the versions are as follows: the “Dancing on the Valentine” version (which is the silly one where Simon wields a bow and arrow and poses dramatically in front of a full moon, plus they’ve added some incongruous footage of a nekked woman in chains), the original MTV long version, the alternative MTV version, and the MTV short version. The fifth and final version is the seventeen-minute movie version. By the time you finally reach it, you’ll feel like you’ve earned it.

…Or you can just watch it on YouTube. Whichever.

"new moon on monday" worst video
Yeah, you know those five different versions I mentioned? None of them sparkle. Still, it’s hardly the worst video. It’s not even Duran Duran’s worst video. Granted, there’s a whole lot to mock about it, but up until the part where Andy and Roger whip out the kite that shoot lightning bolts, and then the lightsaber-wielding occupying soldiers ride into town on horseback, and then the boys wave celebratory sparklers around while awkwardly dancing, it’s pretty solid. Even the awful parts are at least entertainingly awful.

what is the symbol in new moon on monday
It’s sort of a stylized “Z” with lines through it. A version of the same symbol shows up on Simon’s belt buckle in the anime video for “Careless Memories.”


a view to a kill video model
Gail Elliott played the slinky brunette model Nick was photographing at the Eiffel Tower. Fun Duran-related fact: Yasmin Le Bon was a bridesmaid at her wedding.

model arcadia the flame video
According to Nick, his glamorous blonde companion was played by Denise Lewis.

crimial minds why in north korea prison
Excellent question. I feel fairly certain no one on the entire Criminal Minds writing staff had any idea why IRA member Ian Doyle was sent to a North Korean prison, either. While that episode, “Valhalla,” was far from the worst offender in the wildly inconsistent sixth season, it was the one that finally broke my spirit and made me give up on watching/recapping the show.

is duran duran's theme girl panic related to any anime
This doesn’t appear to be the case (to hear the boys discuss it, the song seems to be entirely about, like, girls), though “Girl Panic!” sure has a nice anime-style ring to it.

is alexandra daddario related sherilyn fenn
Evidently not, though there’s definitely a resemblance between these two gorgeous brunettes.

how self absorbed is claire bennet?
How much time do you have? Remember way back in Volume Two of Heroes when she decided to expose her super-powers to the world even as her mother begged her not to because it would place her entire family in grave and immediate danger? Remember in Volume Six when she sliced open her arm with a carving knife at the Thanksgiving table because she didn’t like her mom’s new boyfriend? Holy crap, remember the scene where she spat out her food in the Indian restaurant? Claire had some good moments over the course of the series, and Hayden Panettiere is a cutie, but crikey, for someone who was supposed to have the audience’s support and sympathy, that was one poorly-handled character.

gus: did you just use the characters from
On Psych, Shawn invoked characters from the 1983 Burt Reynolds/Loni Anderson film Stroker Ace. Gus was not impressed by his partner’s pop-culture prowess.

duran duran videos sri lanka three
“Hungry Like the Wolf,” “Save a Prayer,” and “Lonely in Your Nightmare” were all shot during the same visit to Sri Lanka.

guy in white jacket in hungry like the wolf
While both Simon and Nick are also seen wearing white in “Hungry Like the Wolf,” you are almost certainly referring to John, whose white jacket/no shirt combination is one of the most, er, memorable parts of the video.

in duran duran’s “save a prayer” video, who gets sprayed directly in the face with water by the elephant while sitting on its back?
John does, and it’s glorious.

duran duran with crabs video
…Okay, that just sounds wrong. Ahem. Anyway, a crab seizes hold of Roger’s toe in the video for “Rio.”

did patrick swayze ever star in criminal minds season 2 episode 14?
Nope. That was Don Swayze, who bears a marked resemblance to his late older brother.

dance on the table while singing hungry like the wolf
Yeah, that’s pretty much every Friday night around my place.

the best miami vice episodes
This is by no means comprehensive, but my favorites include: “Brother’s Keeper,” “Evan,” “Whatever Works,” “Out Where the Buses Don’t Run,” “Junk Love,” “Definitely Miami,” “Payback,” “Little Miss Dangerous,” “Trust Fund Pirates,” “El Viejo,” “Theresa,” “Lend Me an Ear,” “Death and the Lady,” “Love at First Sight,” “Blood and Roses,” “Hostile Takeover,” and “Redemption in Blood.” It’s no accident that many of those are from the excellent second season.

criminal minds; shemar moore looks foolish with his sculpted eyebrows
Shemar Moore is too beautiful to ever look foolish, exactly, but the sculpted eyebrows he’s been sporting recently don’t do too much for him.

sendhil ramamurthy captain dimple
“Captain Dimple” is an excellent nickname for Sendhil, though personally I’m partial to “Commander Cheekbones,” or maybe even “Admiral Outstanding Bone Structure.”

everyone wants to cuddle sendhil ramamurthy
Of course they do. He’s Captain Dimple!

senator jellyfish from x men man
I’m thrilled to find someone else who refers to Bruce Davison -- the gelatinous Senator Kelly in the first X-Men movie -- as Senator Jellyfish.

mom jeans are evil
Not evil. Just deeply unflattering to everyone, everywhere. Which I suppose, in its way, is a form of evil.

mary lightly psych
Jimmi Simpson played the deeply odd Mary Lightly on Psych. He now plays the deeply odd Lloyd Lowery on Breakout Kings, where he’s pretty much running away with the whole damn show.

preppies of the apocalypse trailer 1980s
“Preppies of the Apocalypse” does indeed sound like a fabulous 1980s film, but no, the concept is all mine. (Oh, dear lord. I just did a Google Image search for “Preppies of the Apocalypse,” just to confirm that all the results somehow pertain to this site, and it’s like looking at a weird cross-section of my brain. My shallow, shallow brain.)


That’s all I’ve got. Duran Duran reviews return next week; Covert Affairs recaps pick up when the second season kicks off in June.
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Duranalysis: Save a Prayer

Duran Duran’s 1982 video for “Save a Prayer” was directed by Russell Mulcahy and shot in Sri Lanka at the same time as their videos for “Hungry Like the Wolf” and “Lonely in Your Nightmare.” I don’t know if Sri Lanka saw an upswing in tourism after this hit the airwaves, but it wouldn’t surprise me. It’s a land of majestic beaches, epic sunsets, and scantily-clad pop stars! Hard to resist any of that.

There's no plot, but there sure are a lot of pretty images. Let's get to it:

Simon loiters on a bench and sings to himself. Ah, this again: He’s shirtless under his nice suit coat, just like John in “Hungry Like the Wolf.” It looks somewhat more natural on Simon, probably because he’s indoors by himself and thus isn’t letting his nipples play peekaboo with the locals while he scampers amuck through crowded city streets. Maybe Simon just stepped out of a shower, felt a bit chilly, and threw on the first covering he could find. Perfectly understandable.


…I mean, it’s still not a good look, but I’ll give it a pass under these circumstances.

We get a lot of gorgeous shots of boats and fishermen and frolicking children as the boys stroll on a picturesque beach. Images dissolve into each other, hazy and dreamlike; it’s a lovely effect, although here it seems like Simon is lost in wistful daydreams about John, which was maybe not the intended result.


John strums his guitar on the sand while ghostlike Sinhalese children frolic in the background. Yep, John is shirtless underneath his peach linen suit. I’m ignoring it. It’s just better that way.


There are some astonishing aerial shots of Simon and Nick loitering around a stately hilltop structure (is it a temple? just a cool hangout carved into the top of a mountain?), surrounded by panoramic views. I only know that’s Nick and Simon because Nick, as is his wont, happily complained up a storm in interviews about being flown to this location by helicopter. (Nick complains a lot. As Duran Duran’s former manager Michael Berrow once put it, Nick “could be a bit of a whinger.” Because Nick is beautiful and magical, I find this endearing. My affections are illogical and capricious.) At this distance, though, it’s really impossible to tell who’s up there. Mulcahy could’ve dressed a couple of production assistants in immaculate white linen suits and dropped them on the hill, and viewers would be none the wiser.


Later, Simon dances with a leggy brunette while singing his famous lyric, “Some people call it a one-night stand, but we can call it paradise.” In the Classic Albums episode about the making of the Rio LP (which is well worth a gander, by the way -- chock full of interesting trivia), the boys all pretty much go crazy praising the romantic sentiment of that line, which… huh? Mind you, I think it’s a great lyric, catchy and evocative. However, it’s never struck me as an especially romantic lyric. He’s putting her on notice that this is a one-time deal: “We’ll have a mind-blowing evening, but just FYI, don’t create an awkward moment by slipping me your phone number in the morning, because I kind of do this sort of thing a lot.”


His date doesn’t appear to find the lyric all that romantic, either. As soon as he sings it, she stalks off, leaving him stranded on the dance floor.

“Hey! I even put a shirt on under my jacket for you!”


Durans in trees! Ah, now this video is really picking up steam. The boys hang out in the branches above an elephant lagoon. They look sort of glamorous and wild, like they’re posing for an ill-conceived Lord of the Flies-inspired fashion spread. I’m particularly enchanted by Nick’s pants-free Slutty Huck Finn ensemble, floppy straw hat and all. Nick, babe, you’re flashing an unprecedented amount of leg there. This has to be the most flesh he’s ever bared in a video, right? Nick tends to stay demurely bundled up, collar to cuffs, at all times.


(Anyone ever see that segment on a mid-nineties episode of MTV’s House of Style where Cindy Crawford takes Nick and Simon on an improbable shopping spree at Sears? When Cindy tries to convince Nick to model a tank top, he expresses horror at the idea of exposing that much skin. Fine stuff.)

According to Andy’s memoir (Wild Boy: My Life in Duran Duran, which, if anyone hasn’t read it yet, is a most excellent way to blow twenty bucks at Amazon), during the filming of this scene, Andy drank too much Jack Daniels, lost his balance, tumbled from the branch into the lagoon, swallowed some elephant-befouled water, and contracted a debilitating tropical virus, which ultimately resulted in a hospital stay and canceled gigs. Just another day in Duran Duran.

The guys slowly congregate around a temple. I know I tend to grouse about videos that don’t have plots, but in this case, it was the right call. It’s a dreamlike and meditative ballad. Throwing in mutants or zombies or setting it in a post-apocalyptic wasteland wouldn’t have worked nearly as well.


We take a break from all this contemplative reverie for some gratuitous Duran flesh. The head of this Speedo-clad Duran is cropped out of every frame, but by process of elimination, that torso can only belong to Simon: lankier than Andy, less gaunt than John, less muscular than Roger (who appears to be bobbing around in the background anyway), and less ethereal than Nick (who’d sooner amputate both his keyboard-playing hands than frolic about in the sun and water whilst wearing a Speedo). Ergo, that’s Simon.


You know, whichever of Simon’s delightful little bandmates nicknamed him “Lardo” on the basis of his physique during this time period deserves a firm swat on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper. Lardo. Really.

I’m going to dip once more into Andy’s bottomless well of anecdotes about this video: It seems Andy refused to participate in a proposed scene featuring him getting sprayed with water from the trunk of an elephant on the grounds that it could be construed as homoerotic. Or, as Andy put it, “There’s no way I’m doing that gay thing with the elephant.” Oh, Andy, Andy, Andy. Gliding over the dense layers of wrongness in that statement, I’ll just say that John stepped up to the plate and, with assistance from nubile young Nick, did the gay thing with the elephant. And I’m ever so glad he did. The end result is the cutest damn shot in any Duran Duran video, ever. This is adorable. Look how happy they are!


As John later described it, "We've got these guys in eyeliner and crazy colored hair, and they're on the backs of elephants! It was so bizarre, but you know, it was kind of irresistible." Indeed it was, John.

On that high note, we now return to the meditative part of the video to wrap things up. The boys stand in silence at the base of a large statue carved into the cliff, lost in silent reverie. It’s a majestic shot, though Nick’s hand placement is a little odd.


Great video. Makes Sri Lanka look like the most epically beautiful place on earth. Outstanding.


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Duranalysis: Rio

Oh, Rio, Rio, hear them shout across the land…

The video for Duran Duran’s 1982 hit “Rio” is a dazzling, much-loved spectacle that cemented the band’s (hard-earned and richly-deserved) reputation as a bunch of worldly, decadent, hilariously excessive playboys. My film-school training prohibits me from counting “gorgeous nitwits cavort on a yacht” as a legitimate plot, so I have to dock the video points for the absence of a cohesive narrative. Still, what it lacks in plot, it makes up for in witty vignettes and vibrant images. It’s a riot of colorful body paint and spilled champagne, set against blue Caribbean waters and white sandy beaches and endless violet skies.

It is, in short, totally awesome.

In the opening moments, a broken full-length mirror magically reassembles itself until it reflects the image of a leggy brunette -- the titular Rio, one presumes, who is played by a gorgeous model named Reema. This whole business with the shattered mirror is reminiscent of the opening scenes of Duran Duran’s “Night Boat” video, which the band shot with director Russell Mulcahy in Antigua simultaneously with “Rio.” Of the two, my heart belongs to “Night Boat” (it has zombies!), but it’s impossible to resist the joyous, multi-colored charms of “Rio.”

While Rio sunbathes on the dock, Nick, the adorable little letch, lies on his stomach a short distance away and focuses his binoculars squarely on her ass. Nice, Nick.


Nick, Roger and John, all clad in bright designer suits, loiter on a yacht and roll little red balls around the deck. They look like a cluster of spoiled, pampered housecats, beautiful and lazy and waiting to be petted and adored.


On the beach, Rio strides out of the waves. She’s clad in a one-piece bathing suit cut almost down to her navel, with a sheathed knife strapped to her thigh. There’s every chance she’s far too much woman for any of the boys to handle. Roger bravely decides to give it a shot anyway. He swaggers up and starts putting the moves on her (Roger has moves?). Before he can get very far, a crab attacks his foot and clings to his toe, which pretty much blows his ultra-suave façade to pieces.


Rio rolls her eyes, raises a shapely leg, and kicks Roger back into the water. This seems like a wild overreaction to his klutzy yet endearing attempt to pick her up, but I like her anyway. While there’s never a shortage of gorgeous women in Duran Duran videos, they often turn out to be blank slates (the three lovely yet wholly interchangeable brunettes in “Union of the Snake” spring immediately to mind). Rio, however, has enough vibrant personality to make her a fitting romantic interest/adversary for the boys.

The boys swarm around the deck of the yacht, which is sailing at a fast clip through the water, and sing their hearts out. It’s iconic and decadent and fun. Fans of Andy had best get their fill of him here, because he’s going to be MIA for most of the video, apparently by choice (quote from Andy on filming “Rio”: “That’s when I really started my video avoidance phase”).


On the beach, pretty peacock Nick preens in a mirror. Rio slinks up behind him and spies on him, probably as payback for his voyeur act in the opening. It’s the strangest thing -- that’s very obviously Nick there (flame-colored hair, check; flame-colored lipstick, check), but damned if he doesn’t look a whole lot like John at certain moments in this video. I can’t understand it. Apart from both being pale, pretty English boys with fabulous hair, John and Nick don’t look much alike. For starters, one’s a leggy beanpole, while the other’s a wee, waiflike pixie.


Rio sunbathes on a raft. A pink phone on a silver tray is ferried to her across the water. On the line is a noticeably sunburned Simon, who’s calling her from the nearby yacht. Like Roger before him, he attempts to sweet-talk her.


Ever capricious, Rio yanks on the phone cord and sends him tumbling into the drink. Luckily, Simon has prepared for just such an eventuality by wearing flippers. Rio, who is a cold, cruel woman at heart, laughs and laughs and laughs.

Meanwhile, John curls up with the latest issue of Fightin’ Army comic. Can’t say I’ve ever pegged John as a rough-and-tumble army-comic aficionado. Still waters run deep, I suppose.


He drifts off into a weird black-and-white military-inspired fantasy of storming the beach, rifle in hand, where he lands on the sand next to a bikini-clad Rio. Champagne spills from the heavens and fills the glass resting on her abdomen.


Magical champagne showers. I swear, this is the happiest, giddiest, silliest video in the world.

Rio tosses one of the little red balls at a Speedo-clad Simon, who scampers to the end of the dock to fetch it for her, puppy-like. He slips on a banana peel and tumbles into the water.


When next we see Rio, she’s hauling a fishing net out of the ocean. There’s a Speedo-clad Duran caught in the net, and my linear brain naturally assumed this was Simon (one Speedo-clad Duran falls into the water, one Speedo-clad Duran gets yanked out of the water. Makes sense, right?). However! We have a mystery on our hands! In his memoir, Andy insists that he’s the Duran in the net, while the official Duran Duran website adamantly maintains that it’s actually Roger.


Then there’s a bunch of lively nonsense with Simon drinking brightly-colored cocktails under water. A whole lot happens in this video that I’m zipping past, mostly involving buckets of paint and colorful drinks and vast expanses of tanned flesh. It’s all mighty entertaining.

Back on the yacht, Nick lounges in a cabin, toying with one of those omnipresent red balls. It takes every ounce of good taste and decorum not to make a crass joke about how he’s lying on a bunk and fondling his balls.


Rio, covered in flamboyant head-to-toe body paint, creeps about the deck. She peeks in on Nick through the cabin window, which both startles and annoys him. Nick, my love, you were shamelessly ogling her ass earlier. It’s only fitting she harasses you a little in turn.


Then for some reason, we spend about forty-eight minutes watching Nick and John pretending to play saxophones, which pretty much brings the video to a huge crashing halt.


Back on the yacht, someone unseen -- oh, let’s just say it’s Simon -- tries to pour a glass of champagne for Rio. He does a rotten job of it, thanks to the way the boat rocks and bobs in the waves. This is the sort of problem that keeps Duran Duran awake at night.


Rio looks exasperated and annoyed by all these repeated attempts to charm her out of her bathing suit. Guys, look, you’re not getting anywhere with her. Cherry ice-cream smile or not, she’s immune to all of you. It’s time to cut your losses and move on.

Oh, and then Simon rides a horse on the beach. Just because.


Rio slathers her entire body in pink shaving cream. In the background, one of the Durans stands in waist-deep water and adjusts his collar in a mirror. Yet again, I can’t tell who it is. Andy? Nick? This is really making me doubt myself. I don’t even have the excuse of a poor-resolution copy to fall back upon -- crystal-clear copies of “Rio” are widely available.


Everybody cavorts on the yacht and sings some more. John and Nick are looking strangely like twins again.


Aha! We have a rare confirmed Andy sighting! John and Andy play dueling air-saxophones on the deck.


Then, as the yacht zips through the water, John cheerfully tosses Andy overboard. And no, that wasn’t a planned part of the video. John just decided on the spur of the moment to try to murder one of his bandmates. You know, just as a lark. Sometimes it seems like a miracle the boys all survived the decade.


And off they sail into the sunset, with sensible Roger at the helm and the rest of the boys still cavorting about the yacht, glamorous and gorgeous and happy.


A brilliant video. Nothing in there to unduly tax the brain cells, but it’s sheer, delightful fun. I love it to pieces.
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