Fun With Keywords: Cruel, Cruel Summer Edition

So, this whole “summer” business. It’s really going to stick around for another ten weeks, huh?

Awesome. Excuse me while I perspire in an unladylike and frankly disgusting matter. I’m going to go listen to some Bananarama until the world looks better. Fresh site content will arrive after I get myself all sorted out. In the meantime, here’s a fresh crop of search terms visitors have used to find this site in recent weeks:

jai wilcox shirts where
Someone’s probably just wondering where Sendhil Ramamurthy’s sexy character Jai buys his impeccably tailored shirts on Covert Affairs. However, I haven’t watched the past few episodes, so there’s always the tantalizing possibility they’ve introduced a new subplot where Jai’s shirts have mysteriously gone missing, forcing him to wander around Langley shirtless and confused. If this is indeed the case, I will happily start watching the show again.

sendhil ramamurthy sexy
And how!

covert affairs auggie sexy blind
Eh. Sure. Auggie is sexy and blind. I’ll agree to that. Granted, I’m a little less committed to Auggie’s sexiness than I am to Jai’s, but… sure. He’s sexy. And blind. Sexy blind Auggie.

what episode of miami vice is morgan freeman in
Was Morgan Freeman in a Miami Vice episode? On the one hand, it wouldn’t surprise me -- sooner or later, everybody showed up on that show -- but I don’t recall Freeman ever making an appearance (and trust me, I am well-versed in all matters pertaining to Miami Vice). Nor does it show up in his IMDB listing. Still, it’s not out of the realm of possibility.

adrianne palicki criminal minds stupid episode
Very stupid. Still, it’s not poor Adrianne’s fault she got stuck in the Most Wretched and Ill-Advised Criminal Minds Episode of All Time. She was fine; the episode was crap.

andy
Okay, I just Googled “Andy” and got over five hundred million results. I imagine this piddling little site is ranked very, very low on that list. Whoever sorted through all those results to get here, color me duly impressed by your diligence.

andy taylor the quotes from his biography wild boy
Here’s one, from his section on filming the video for “Save a Prayer”:


Special bonus! Just because that scene is too adorable not to reference again and again and again, here’s yet another shot of John and Nick boldly going where Andy feared to tread. Possibly homoerotic, definitely cute.


criminal minds episdode filmed in spokane
was any episodes of criminal minds filmed in spokane washington
Sadly, no. The two episodes that took place in Spokane -- “The Thirteenth Step” and “Open Season” -- were both filmed in the greater Los Angeles area.

why thomas gibson never appears in the dvd specials
The special features on the Criminal Minds DVDs, you mean? Yeah, I’ve noticed that, too. I don’t know why -- he commutes weekly to the Los Angeles set from his San Antonio home, so maybe he doesn’t have much free time to participate in the production of the DVD extras. Or maybe he doesn’t like talking about his work. No idea. For what it’s worth, he crops up in the blooper reels, at least.

thomas gibson mustache
You can check out Gibson’s unfortunate ‘stache in Far and Away.

the hardy boys 1990's seriers epidoe guide
The Canadian version, with Paul Popowich and Colin Gray? Aw, I liked that one. Didn’t last very long, but it was cute and fun. I don’t know where you’d be able to find an episode guide, and I don’t even think it’s been released on DVD. Sort of a shame -- I’d like to watch it again to see if it holds up.

new moon on monday video horses
It’s a horse-heavy video: The lightsaber-wielding soldiers (sigh) charge into the courtyard on horseback, while glamorous smugglers Nick and John transport their dangerous cargo into town in a horse-drawn carriage.

criminal minds heroes crossover
I was trying to think of actors who’ve appeared on both Heroes and Criminal Minds and stalled at Leonard Roberts and Robert Knepper, though I’m sure there are others. Then it occurred to me that the ghastly trainwreck that was Heroes is no longer taking up much space in my memory -- heck, I even had to look up Knepper, because I couldn’t quite remember his name. And that made me feel sort of grimly satisfied.

dodge cannibals hilltop catering-videos
Two words that should never be used in the same phrase: “cannibals” and “catering.”

i slept with thomas gibson
Er… congratulations?

jonny lee miller weird facial expressions
Marvelously weird. Here are a few choice ones, all from Trainspotting.


miami vice heart of night lyrics one day i'll find it's so nice someone thinks you're special treat them right
Joan Armatrading's "Dark Truths." Beautiful, ominous song. Great choice for that episode. Thanks for tipping me off to this one; I wasn't familiar with it, but now I've been listening to it all afternoon.

white collar makes me wanna go to new york
Oh, yeah. White Collar makes New York look shiny and dazzling. Hey, has White Collar been any good this season? Much as with Covert Affairs, I’ve dropped it from my regular viewing schedule, though I’m still downright fond of it. Back in May, I spotted Tim DeKay at LAX, and I have to say, I was a little star-struck.

spanking stories spankinglife.com
No first-hand experience here, but I’d hazard a guess that any website named “SpankingLife” would be an excellent place to find spanking stories.

who played the girl in hardy boys hong kong episode
Jean Marie Hon.

nick rhodes view to a kill
Gorgeous. Glamorous. Glorious. As hilariously over the top as Duran Duran’s resident magical pixie could be in the mid-1980s (I direct you once again to the awesome series of jaw-dropping wedding photos on his ex-wife’s website. The pink satin! The live flamingos!), he’s essentially ridicule-proof, simply because: a) Nick has never seemed to give a crap what anyone thinks of him, so there’s no earthly point in mocking him, and b) even at his strangest, he always looked fantastic.

please explain "wild boys" by burroughs
I couldn’t possibly. I don’t take nearly enough drugs to understand Burroughs. This site takes a valiant stab at a comprehensive explanation.

what was the first zombie music video duran duran
Duran Duran’s zombie-filled video for “Night Boat” was filmed in May 1982, which means it beat Michael Jackson’s zombie-filled video for “Thriller,” which was shot in October 1983, by a year and a half. I can’t definitively say “Night Boat” was the first music video to ever feature zombies, though that seems like a logical enough assumption.

duran duran nightboat video released before mtv
No. MTV launched in the summer of 1981. While the song “(Waiting for the) Night Boat” was on Duran Duran’s 1981 debut album, the video was shot in 1982. Anecdotal evidence suggests “Night Boat” received some airplay on MTV, though it remains one of the band’s lesser-known videos. Too bad -- it might be their very best.

what is the funniest criminal minds episode
Oh, man. Criminal Minds is not exactly chock full of laughs. Amidst the unrelentingly bleak subject matter, it does have some light moments -- I like the start of “Open Season,” where Prentiss, J.J. and Garcia cheerfully humiliate some schmuck who tries to impress them by posing as an FBI agent.

is nick rhodes the one with the headband in hungry like the wolf
While Nick wore his share of headbands throughout Duran Duran’s Golden Age of Video, lovely John Taylor is the one in with the headband (and minus the shirt) in “Hungry Like the Wolf.”

can chloroform be traced to a victim
Lordy. I’m going to assume (and hope) whoever entered this search phrase into Google is writing a mystery novel and thus is not actually plotting to chloroform someone. I’ll sleep better that way.

80's tv movie where to nerds get makeovers and pretend to be from europe
Student Exchange. Given my well-documented weakness for cheeseball films from the 1980s, I’m ashamed to admit I’ve never seen this.

about hardy boys the mystery of the blowing chunks
Funny. Very funny.

my darling archie said holding horatio close to his chest
Huh. Granted, I haven’t read all of C.S. Forester’s Hornblower novels, but I’ve definitely missed the one where Archie and Horatio indulge in a bit of canoodling.

not another teen movie banana in butt scene video
Here it is. This is a poignant cautionary tale about how early roles can come back and haunt young actors: No matter how many big-screen superheroes Chris Evans plays -- he’s been the Human Torch, he’ll be Captain America -- a certain section of viewers will forever know him as the banana-in-the-butt guy.

skulky the turtle wonder likes naked woman wrestling
This comes as no surprise.

preppies of the apocalypse always shine
Not always. The preppies are feeling a bit grubby and bedraggled and sad and not at all shiny these days. Or maybe that’s just me. But I appreciate the sentiment nonetheless.
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Duranalysis: Girls on Film

Duran Duran traditionally conclude their concerts with an encore performance of their 1981 hit “Girls on Film,” so it seems only fitting to wrap up this whole Duranalysis nonsense with an examination of that video. I’ll be analyzing the uncensored Night Version, which is the porny version with all the bare breasts and whatnot, so if you’re reading this at work or in a public space, maybe you should plan accordingly.

Still here? Let’s do this:

The video for “Girls on Film” was directed by Godley & Creme, who would later direct the boys in “A View To a Kill.” It kicks off with a montage of workers rigging lights and building the set, which consists of a platform stage for the band and something that looks like a boxing ring with a long catwalk leading up to it.

This guy is probably just spray-painting the ring, but I prefer to think he’s dousing it with Lysol. Given all the unhygienic behavior that will soon take place here, disinfecting everything in sight seems like a necessary precaution.


There’s also a montage of the band primping before their performance. If, like me, you don’t have much interest in nude women yet have a fondness for watching pretty boys fuss with their hair, this will probably be your favorite part of the video. I admire the in-your-face way this video establishes Duran Duran’s credo: They like naked girls, they like sleaze, they like wearing makeup, they like looking beautiful and glamorous, and if you have a problem with any of that, they’re not going to lose sleep over it.

First up with the primping is the awesome and hilarious performance-art exhibit known as Nick Rhodes. Nick looks fantastic here, with two-tone hair (fiery red in front, jet black in back) and flawless makeup. After looking so painfully young and awkward in the videos for “Planet Earth” and “Careless Memories,” he’s finally grown into his glamorous and flamboyant magical-pixie persona.


This video marks the final appearance of the platinum locks Andy sported in “Planet Earth” and “Careless Memories.” After this, Andy will officially stop giving a crap about his hair.


And here we have John, in the process of getting his beautiful, beautiful face touched up. This is pretty much the textbook definition of gilding a lily.


There is no shot of shy, enigmatic Roger primping, which comes as no surprise. Roger probably does his fair share of primping. Just not when there’s a camera pointed at him.


Headbands! The iconic Duran Duran headbands make a triumphant debut in this video! Simon wears his trademark white one, while Nick sports a leopard-print one during the performance scenes. So help me, I love those headbands. Fashion-wise, this video is a huge leap forward for the boys. They’ve finally ditched those huge, frilly poet shirts, the ones that made John look like a runway model and made everyone else look stumpy and sad, in favor of a more tailored, high-fashion image. This video brought the band into the public eye in large part because of the over-the-top sexual content, but even without it, audiences would have taken note of the boys. They’re too glamorous and gorgeous to ignore.


The bulk of the video consists of a series of sleazy vignettes, which take place in the boxing ring while the band performs on the stage in the background. Sleazy Vignette #1: Two women in black teddies, their hair in rollers, slink down the runway amidst a flurry of flashbulbs from an unseen audience. They enter the ring and approach a long horizontal pole, which is covered in shaving cream. The women straddle the pole on either end, then slither their way through the shaving cream until they meet in the center. It’s more tasteful than it sounds.


Ha ha, no. No, it’s not. It’s every bit as tacky as you’d imagine. A referee hands the women pillows, which they use to vigorously whack each other while still straddling the pole. This sorely taxes the structural integrity of their flimsy teddies. They kiss beneath a shower of feathers from the destroyed pillows, then saunter back off down the runway.

Backstage, the women celebrate in the traditional manner, i.e. by pouring champagne over their breasts. Great merciful Zeus, is that a bottle of Veuve Clicquot? Veuve Clicquot is my bubbly of choice for super-fancy occasions. In the hilariously decadent and excessive world of Duran Duran, it’s the stuff best suited for dumping over the chests of scantily-clad women.


Sleazy Vignette #2: A cute girl in a mawashi -- that’s the combination belt/loincloth that sumo wrestlers wear -- paired with a transparent mesh shirt and a samurai-style topknot squares off against a sumo wrestler in the ring. Even though he’s easily twice her size, she applies a judo hold and flips him onto his back. She gives a formal bow and retreats.


Is “stylishly tacky” too much of an oxymoron? Because that’s the best way to describe this video: stylishly tacky. It’s all very early-1980s, with the sleekness and aggressive sexuality of a Patrick Nagel painting mixed with a healthy dollop of camp.

Sleazy Vignette #3: A woman in a sexy white nurse costume, complete with white stockings and a garter belt, enters the ring and approaches a towel-draped man, who lies on a massage table. She gives him a thorough massage, which seems to involve an abundance of baby oil.


Once finished, she strolls off, leaving the man sprawled across the table, limbs dangling over the sides, evidently dead. These women are not only sleazy, they’re dangerous.

Sleazy Vignette #4: A blonde in a white cowboy hat and skimpy cowgirl duds takes a ride on the back of a muscular black man, who gallops around the ring while wearing a horse mask and a skimpy thong. At the conclusion of her ride, she scrubs him down and leads him offstage by his harness. Yeah, this isn’t offensive much. Nosirree, no cringe-worthy racial stereotypes here.


Let’s move on quickly and pretend this didn’t happen.

Sleazy Vignette #5: A sexy lady in high heels and a one-piece bathing suit tumbles into in a kiddie pool and appears to drown. A lifeguard in mirrored sunglasses comes to her rescue with a judicious application of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. As soon as she’s successfully revived, it turns into a full-on makeout session, which culminates with the lifeguard lying dead in the pool while the lady strolls off in triumph.


There are two prevalent themes running through this video:
1. Women have breasts.
2. Women are dangerous.

In reinforcement of Theme #1, we now see a shot of the backstage area, where a naked woman -- probably the sexy lady from the kiddie pool, though it’s hard to recognize her without her bathing suit -- runs an ice cube over one perky nipple. Totally understandable. Luring a hapless lifeguard to his doom can raise a girl’s core body temperature to dangerous levels.

Sleazy Vignette #6: Everybody loves mud wrestling!


Yeah, so these two nice young ladies (one topless, one in a bodysuit) grope each other in the mud for a while, then someone sprays down the victor with a hose while she sashays off the stage.

So that’s the naughty version. Because the Duran Duran boys are never satisfied until they’ve re-cut and re-released each video multiple times, there’s also a sanitized-for-MTV version, in which all the nudity has been replaced with some ridiculous footage of well-heeled people dancing around the boxing ring under the watchful glare of a burly masked man. In addition, there’s a slightly different version of the original video, which concludes with the boys standing behind the mud wrestlers while holding a sign reading, “SOME PEOPLE WILL DO ANYTHING TO SELL RECORDS.”


Bingo! Points for honesty. This shot was probably scrapped from the original video for being a little too on-the-nose: Yes, making a naughty video was a shameless (and successful!) ploy to drum up controversy and thus spark interest in the band -- all involved parties have been pretty open about that -- but it was maybe smarter not to cheerfully trumpet that fact within the video itself.

Or the shot could have been removed due to how crappy that sign looks. Look at it -- it’s horrible. Did the boys make it themselves? Based on how pleased they all look, I’m inclined to think Godley and Creme handed the boys a roll of butcher paper and a box of Magic Markers and set them at it, just to keep them out from underfoot while the grownups were setting things up.

And with that, I have now reviewed all of Duran Duran’s videos from 1981 through 1985 (with the notable exception of “The Chauffeur,” which does have a sleek and elegant video, but the boys don’t appear anywhere in it. No Durans, no Duranalysis. That’s the rule). To commemorate this occasion, here’s a montage of Nick’s awesome video hairstyles, in loose chronological order:


Wow. Yeah, that pretty much looks like a whole bunch of entirely different people, doesn’t it?

On the other end of the spectrum, here’s Roger:


Hmm. Not exactly a shocking amount of variety here. Well, he sported some vaguely blondish highlights in “Union of the Snake,” right? Roger is a man who values consistency.

Here’s the ludicrously pretty John Taylor:


Yep. Just a whole lot of nice hair and great bone structure going on.

Apart from some slight variations in shade and length, Simon’s hair changes surprisingly little from video to video. Still, his wide range of facial expressions more than compensates for his lack of tonsorial creativity. Simon is, as always, a one-man party.


Andy’s hair is a linear progression from fussy to indifferent to awful. Or, if you prefer, from “This whole bleached look isn’t really my thing, but I guess it’ll keep Nick happy,” to “Come to think of it, I don’t give a rat’s ass whether Nick is happy with my hair,” to “Nick will hate it; therefore I love it.”


Or at least that’s exactly how it’s going to play out in the histrionic and highly libelous screenplay for the made-for-basic-cable Duran Duran biopic that I’m currently writing in my brain (working title: Dance Into the Fire: The Duran Duran Story), an idea which has been festering ever since I read Andy’s account in his memoir of that time he and Nick hurled pork pies at each other during an especially acrimonious tiff. The screenplay would burst at the seams with glitter and champagne and scuffles and hair gel. It’d be deeply superficial and baffling and ludicrous, and yet would somehow consist of pure awesomeness. Just like Duran Duran themselves.
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