Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Fun with keywords (It's a cruel, cruel summer edition)

Oh, July, how I hate you.

I got knocked out of the first round of judging in the Nicholl Fellowships (the first two judges to read my script gave it a positive rating, but the third rated it low enough to bump it out of contention), I’ve had no luck on the job front (it’s entirely possible I’ve backslid), I may have to pack it in and move out of Los Angeles with my tail between my legs in the very near future, my self-esteem is bruised beyond recognition, and Sendhil Ramamurthy grew an unflattering beard. There's just nothing good in any of that. So I’m sitting here in front of the fan, cursing summer and humming Bananarama tunes sadly to myself.

A quick look at the recent search terms used to find this site:

ultimate force what is rupert
Slang for "officer". Possibly disparaging.

what hardy boys episode from season 3 features a character named jocco?
Ah. "Last Kiss of Summer", parts one and two. Great character, Jocco, and a great performance by Kevin Brophy. Killed Joe's girlfriend, tried to feed Frank to the sharks, and yet still ended up seeming pretty likeable and fun.

what kind of pens do they use on battlestar galactica
The kind you can stab through Baltar’s neck, given the proper motivation.

mohinder chained to a chair soaked wet
mohinder naked
mohinder pretty
I have no fresh observations here. I'm just including these because they make me happy.

michael rosenbaum bringing sexy back
Er... I suppose.

miami vice out where the buses don't run ending
It's a good one: Crockett gets a call from insane ex-cop Bruce McGill, telling him he's finally tracked down the long-vanished druglord who became his all-consuming obsession. Crockett and Tubbs zip through the dark streets of Miami while Dire Straits' "Brothers in Arms" plays on the soundtrack. When they reach the location, they find the druglord's decayed corpse plastered inside the wall, where McGill and his partner David Straithairn stashed him after McGill murdered him a decade earlier.

miami vice is awesome

how to make a miami vice
Mix equal parts awesomeness and eighties music with a healthy jigger of free-floating weirdness.

ioan gruffudd long hair
ioan gruffudd silly hat
ioan gruffudd naked
ioan gruffudd sex scene
Let me point you in the direction of Wilde. Gruffudd has long hair and is wearing a silly hat, then he gets naked and has sex with Stephen Fry. All your bases are covered.

bicorne hornblower
Good point. Wilde doesn't have the monopoly on Gruffudd’s silly hats -- he wears plenty of those in Hornblower as well, above and beyond the bicorne.

heroes slash nathan fratboys
No idea, but just the fact that you’re using the plural piques my interest. Nathan shagging one fratboy? Eh. Nathan taking on the whole frathouse? Possibilities lie therein.

fun hot preppy porn
Is there any other kind of preppy porn?

27 penis pics in the members aree tom welling
Twenty-seven? Really? Wow. Way to go, Welling.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Five Conspiracy Theories About Mohinder’s Beard

Beautiful Heroes star Sendhil Ramamurthy popped up at London Film & Comic Con last weekend with a gigantic bristly hedgehog stapled to his neck and chin. From various attendee reports, he apparently made it clear that: a) the hedgehog is strictly for the show, and b) despite the lack of advance word about his plotline, he’s already shot some scenes, thus squashing rumors that Mohinder won’t be around for Volume Five.

(I mean, Mohinder’s probably not going to be around much, seeing as how he does not appear at all in the just-released teaser trailer for Volume Five. Oh, Heroes. In an erratic and uncertain universe, at least I can count on you to disappoint me at every turn.)

I haven’t found any official photos of The Beard, hence my crackerjack Artistic Rendition above. If you’re curious to see The Beard in all its furry, bristly, hedgehoggy glory, there are some great fan photos floating around online, such as the ones here and here and here.

Since there’s still no word about Mohinder’s Volume Five plotline, we’re left to ponder: why the hedgehog? What possible plot-based reason could be behind the beard? My beard-related conspiracy theories are below:

1. Beard = television shorthand for “soul-searching and spiritual introspection.” The only possible whisper of a fiber of a thread of Mohinder’s possible future plotline introduced last volume was the Big Film Reel of Plot discovered at Coyote Sands (not to be confused with the Big Box of Plot his landlord had stashed in his basement). Provided that, counter to my earlier speculation, the reel does not turn out to contain Chandra Suresh’s homemade fetish porn, this might be the launching point for Mo’s Volume Five plotline. And by “plotline”, I mean “handful of disjointed scenes of Mo wandering around Coyote Sands/Chennai/parts unknown, moping beautifully while doing nothing in particular.” I’m betting this is roughly how it’s going to play out: every three or four episodes, we’ll check in with poor Mo’s progress, and then after about a dozen episodes of this, he’ll either rejoin the rest of the cast in the main plotline, or he’ll just drift away into Heroes obscurity along with Maya and Monica, never to be mentioned again.

2. Beard = television shorthand for “Evil Alternate Future.” Hey! Mohinder had a beard in Volume One’s way-cool Evil Alternate Future episode “Five Years Gone”! And he was working for President Nathan, who was actually Sylar in disguise! And now Nathan really is Sylar in disguise, and now Mohinder has a beard! Coincidence?

Well, yeah, probably. According to LFCC attendee reports, Sendhil mentioned he hasn’t shot any scenes with either Adrian Pasdar or Zachary Quinto yet this volume. So if they’re doing the Five Years Gone universe this volume (which, for the record, would be a great idea), they’re taking their own sweet time getting there.

3. Beard = television shorthand for “crazy loner.” Fed up with the crap science he’s been forced to spew forth over the past three seasons, Mohinder forsakes his worldly goods and holes up in a ramshackle cabin in the Montana backwoods, where he neglects his personal hygiene, wears a lot of plaid, and scribbles cryptic, angry manifestos about how a goddamn solar eclipse can’t appear simultaneously in New York, Las Vegas, and Tokyo, and how a real geneticist would know better than to embark upon a lecture circuit devoted to describing two isolated cases of a mysterious virus, detected thirty years apart, as a “plague”, and how he never understood why anyone ever thought turning himself into an evil cockroach would be a positive, fan-pleasing character development in the first place.

4. Beard = television shorthand for “evil twin.” Scientific fact: Evil twins are far more likely to have wild and sinister facial hair. So maybe this isn’t Mohinder at all: maybe it’s his never-before-mentioned evil twin (a never-before-mentioned evil clone would be just ducky, too), who has imprisoned the real Mohinder in a tower somewhere and has assumed his identity for the sole purpose of causing mass chaos: befuddling Matt, seducing Noah, dropping Peter off of random cliffs. I could throw my support behind such a plot, especially if the evil twin had a totally different accent, a la Sendhil’s tour-de-force dual role in Death, Deceit & Destiny on the Orient Express. (Why, yes, I will be working in a reference to Death, Deceit & Destiny on the Orient Express into every blog post from here on out. Sendhil played twins!) Ordinarily I’d say this nefarious scheme would be unraveled when Mohinder’s friends noticed him acting erratically, but there’s a couple of problems with that:

1) Mohinder has no friends (Peter and Matt, the selfish bastards, couldn’t be bothered to spare a thought for poor captive Mo while they were making their daring plans to rescue Daphne from Building 26).

2) Under normal circumstances, Mohinder tends to behave so erratically (shooting Noah Bennet in the eyeball, stuffing people in cocoons made from his own bodily secretions) that no one would be able to tell the difference.

(I’m sorry. I seem to have a lot of pent-up anger toward Heroes these days. I don’t think this is healthy. I apologize.)

5. Plot-based reason? Hahahahahaha! There’s no plot-based reason! Remember how in Volume Two Mohinder went around with a broken nose and a bruised face for the entire back half of the season? And remember in Volume Three (yes, yes, we’re all trying very hard to forget Volume Three, but humor me for a minute) how Mohinder kept getting covered in disgusting scales and/or disgusting sticky white crap? The beard will serve no purpose other than to further muck up Mohinder’s beautiful face.

If you’ve got your own theories about The Beard, submit ‘em in the comments below. The best theory wins a fabulous prize (really, isn’t “praise and admiration from your peers” the most fabulous prize of all?).

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Five excuses for not updating my blog more frequently

1. My search for a job has pretty much taken precedence over everything else at the moment.

That, and the all-encompassing fear and dread that goes along with not being able to find gainful employment. Theoretically, I should be putting this copious amount of free time to good use by churning out a blizzard of fresh blog posts. Instead, I’ve been spending the summer moping and fretting.

2. There’s nothing interesting happening with Heroes right now.

I have a policy -- and I think it’s a good one -- about not passing judgment based only on leaked rumors and spoilers. It’s not fair to the creative staff to criticize a concept before seeing the execution. So while the rumors circulating about the new season of Heroes (childhood flashbacks, Petrelli angst, beautiful deaf girls, evil carnies, and collegiate Sapphic dabbling) haven’t captured my fancy, I will wait patiently until after Volume Five premieres in September to weigh in on any of this.

(Heroes rumor mill: online speculation has been exploding that beautiful Mohinder will not be on the show next season. The speculation is based upon negative evidence: there have been no reports of Sendhil Ramamurthy being on set thus far this season (which isn’t to say he hasn’t been on the set), and there's been no word on Mohinder’s Volume Five plotline (which isn’t to say he won’t have any plotline at all). It’s all a wee bit dodgy, and something seems to be going on, but I’m reasonably sure Heroes will still have Mohinder to kick around next season. The gossip hounds at Entertainment Weekly haven’t heard anything about Sendhil possibly leaving, and yesterday I received a cryptic yet comforting six-word direct message on Twitter from someone who should know: don’t worry... he’s good... trust me.. I have no idea what this means, but I’m just going to go ahead and assume that, yes, he’s good. Time will tell).

3. My summer TV viewing habits are too embarrassing to document for posterity.

Seriously, if I suddenly started churning out weekly recaps of VH1’s Daisy of Love, wouldn’t you all lose just a little respect for me?

4. The summer movies haven’t been lousy enough for me to write a Things I Did… post about them.

Related: My expectations are oddly high for the upcoming G.I. Joe movie. Okay, it’ll be no damn good, but… Christopher Eccleston as Destro! Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Cobra Commander! I would watch either of those fantastic, interesting, talented actors in far, far worse. And the poster campaign looks fabulous!

5. I am simultaneously: a) a perfectionist, and b) lazy.

This is a disastrous combination when it comes to churning out blog posts on any kind of regular schedule. I tend to take forever writing and rewriting and refining posts before slapping them up. I’m pretty sure it took me longer to write my review of Death, Deceit & Destiny Aboard the Orient Express than it took the screenwriter to cobble together that script. Combine that with my short attention span and my natural sloth, and it’s a marvel I get as much done as I do.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Fun With Keywords (American Independence Edition)

Happy Independence Day, everyone. It’s been a little quiet around these parts lately. Not much has been going on, apart from the usual smattering of personal and professional disappointments; here’s hoping July brings good news and new inspiration.

Here’s a look at the search terms people used to find this site in June:

preppiesoftheapocalypse.blogspot.com 'can patrick manipulate the keywords'
Yes, Patrick, you can manipulate the keywords. You have manipulated them enough times to snag the #4 spot in my search results. Kudos.

skulky the turtle wonder will never turn into a bug
skulky the turtle wonder totally awesome

Speaking of manipulating the keywords… I’m assuming my dear friend Boy-Morgan has been too busy with his newborn son (congratulations, Boy-Morgan!) to bother mucking about with my site stats, so I’m going to go ahead and blame these two searches on Dan.

ali larter shirtless
parker stevenson shirtless
bruce boxleitner shirtless
tony dow shirtless

This lends more credence to my theory that, sooner or later, every single celebrity ever mentioned anywhere on this site will crop up in my keywords followed by the word “shirtless.”

"all right that's enough we're not americans"
That’s a line from the pilot episode of Ultimate Force. After Sendhil Ramamurthy’s character’s brother is killed in action, our stalwart band of Special Forces soldiers raise a glass in his honor. Embarrassed by such a gratuitous display of mushy, gushy, treacly, sappy, American emotion, they never mention him again.

"cheer up trendy"
In a Vogue interview a couple years ago, Isla Fisher persuaded the interviewer that “Cheer up, trendy!” was a popular Australianism. I tried to confirm this with a native Aussie, who assured me that no one in the long and storied history of Australia, apart from Isla Fisher, has ever used the phrase “Cheer up, trendy!” Indeed, a quick Google search shows that most uses of this phrase may be attributed to, uh, this site. I’ve been trying to work it into casual conversation, but it’s not catching on. Sorry, Isla.

"he's kind of cute" women language
Life is a lot easier if you don’t fret too much about this sort of thing. Take it at face value. She thinks you’re kind of cute. Pat yourself on the back.

bryce lynch
Bryce Lynch is the awesome teen computer whiz in Max Headroom. Bryce was played by Chris Young in the US version and Paul Spurrier in the original UK version. It is no easy task to create a non-irksome teen genius character, but both versions of Bryce show that it can be done.

coffee should not be boiled hornblower
hornblower flog styles

For the record, Hornblower did not have Styles flogged just because he boiled the coffee, though I’m sure that was a significant contributing factor. As well it should be.

guy is trained to be like twin to kill him movie
Ohhh, I have no idea, but this sounds like an awesome film.

heroes volume 4 why dont they bring nathan back to life
This is an excellent question. Jack Coleman attempts to explain it away in his blog by claiming that, unlike when Mohinder brought HRG back to life in Volume Two, they were unprepared at the time to use Claire’s blood to resurrect Nathan. I don’t see why this should be the case: after all, both Claire and Nurse Peter were conveniently on the premises when Sylar murdered Nathan, so it should have been a simple matter to set up a life-restoring transfusion. In any case, it would have been less preposterous than having Matt use his mental powers to fool Sylar into assuming Nathan’s identity.

heroes volume 5 tracy predictions
Based upon past history, I predict that, thanks to a combination of nonsensical characterization and botched plot ideas, Tracy’s character will be written into such a hole by the end of Volume 5 that they’ll end up killing her off and having Ali Larter return in Volume 6 as a completely different character (Barbara? Jessica? Nikki 2.0?).

jaclyn smith hardy boys episode
Oh, sure, that’d be “The Mystery of the Hollywood Phantom”, in which Frank accidentally wanders onto the Charlie’s Angels set and gets randomly snogged by Jaclyn. Good stuff.

jonny lee miller sing
He does. Surprisingly well, actually. It’s hard to find, but I recommend tracking down the Love, Honour & Obey soundtrack, in which Jonny sings a smooth, swanky version of “Avenues & Alleyways”, while Jude Law chirps his way through “Rock On”, Ray Winstone does his best with “The Harder they Come”, and Sadie Frost flexes her pipes on “When You are a King.” The film itself is crap, but there’s much to be said for the soundtrack.

justine waddell wasted career
I wouldn’t go so far as to say “wasted,” exactly, but it’s a shame this beautiful and talented actress has to spin her wheels in projects like Dracula 2000.

michael rosenbaum "in real life"
michael rosenbaum sexy
michael rosenbaum annoying

I know absolutely nothing about Rosenbaum in real life. Rumor has it he’s sexy and annoying.

sexy ioan gruffudd celtic man

mohinder pretty

nikki yusef
Wow. Is someone out there searching for information on Death, Deceit & Destiny Aboard the Orient Express? If so, you might be my new best friend. Nikki and Yussef are the names of the identical twins--one good, one evil--played by Sendhil Ramamurthy in this brilliantly idiotic Bulgarian-made straight-to-DVD production. I could have watched a whole film--nay, a whole spinoff TV series--devoted to the nitwitty exploits of sweet, slutty Nikki, crown prince of a vast and powerful Middle East empire, and his twin Yussef, the conniving and power-hungry Minister of Finance. Seriously, Sendhil, if you get tired of being pretty wallpaper on Heroes, call me--we’ll see if we can make this happen.

www.ali larter gets knocked out and tied to a chair
You’re in luck. The URL “www.alilartergetsknockedoutandtiedtoachair.com” appears to be available. Grab it, now!